iusedtobehappy
Experienced
- Dec 2, 2023
- 234
All I know for sure now, even more than before, is that I need to die ASAP.
For reference, I have struggled with severe depression and was officially diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder with OCD and severe anxiety by an SMI clinic a few years ago after the sudden death of my husband. After he died, I lost our house and belongings and moved in with a different "trusted friend". He molested me for 5 months. Once I escaped, he continued to try. The only living being I could trust was my cat and he and I became very bonded, extremely bonded to the point I could only feel better or normal when I was with him. A few months ago, he got very sick. I took him to the vet who said he was dying. I can't talk or write about it because it literally guts me and that same day, I started to actively research suicide. I had one attempt after my husband died. I told two people - my two sisters. My oldest sister yelled at me. My other sister said, "thanks a lot!" My brother said my husband's sudden death was maybe "something you did in a past life". So, I shut down after that and didn't talk. I tried therapy with a psychiatrist for a few years and that did not help at all.
My grief over losing my beloved cat as I said has gutted me. I have cried every day, multiple times a day, for 3 1/2 months now. I can't take it anymore. It had come down to only one living being I could trust and I can't live without love and without trust. That is a fate much worse than death.
There was one person who was interested in me, but I realize now he does not see me as a person but as an object. He is inconvenienced by my sadness. Today he asked me to talk about it and I tried and his answers were comparisons to a woman he knows, no details and please no judgments (I was horribly lonely) but a love interest, his wife, who had hardships and overcame them and then of course the cheerleader crap cliches, "nobody likes a quitter" crap like that. For reference, I have NOT slept or been intimate with this man. It's been online only. At one point, he asked me to marry him and I did not because of his situation and have kept my distance. But, he is a nail in my coffin. I have no one to talk to or love and I know now for sure, more than I did before, that I seriously just need to die already.
I've been researching SN today. It's so overwhelming. I already read the Night Night, hanging and Nitrogen megathreads. I just read the Goodbye thread from toofargone6969 and while sooo sad, I feel like she was a kindred spirit and inspired me to look into SN. She had just lost her dog and I keep thinking she was so lucky she didn't have to be without him for more than a few days before she CTB. I wish I had known her but I didn't know then this site even existed and my baby was still with me. Her CTB was a week before I lost him.
I've never been very strong. My husband used to tell me I was fragile but he took care of me and I hope we took care of each other. To be left alone in this world without him and now without our kitty who was my sole comfort, left with people who think comparisons and quitter judgments are ok is not a world I want to be a part of. What I really want is to find someone who is interested in a murder-suicide. Take me, then himself. Or, just a flat out "hitman" who I make a beneficiary to my accounts, so that upon my death, he is made whole and paid, and I can hopefully finally leave the world.
I'm sorry for the rant. I'm just more sure than I even was yesterday that I want to exit the world. I just need to find the method. Thanks for listening.
For reference, I have struggled with severe depression and was officially diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder with OCD and severe anxiety by an SMI clinic a few years ago after the sudden death of my husband. After he died, I lost our house and belongings and moved in with a different "trusted friend". He molested me for 5 months. Once I escaped, he continued to try. The only living being I could trust was my cat and he and I became very bonded, extremely bonded to the point I could only feel better or normal when I was with him. A few months ago, he got very sick. I took him to the vet who said he was dying. I can't talk or write about it because it literally guts me and that same day, I started to actively research suicide. I had one attempt after my husband died. I told two people - my two sisters. My oldest sister yelled at me. My other sister said, "thanks a lot!" My brother said my husband's sudden death was maybe "something you did in a past life". So, I shut down after that and didn't talk. I tried therapy with a psychiatrist for a few years and that did not help at all.
My grief over losing my beloved cat as I said has gutted me. I have cried every day, multiple times a day, for 3 1/2 months now. I can't take it anymore. It had come down to only one living being I could trust and I can't live without love and without trust. That is a fate much worse than death.
There was one person who was interested in me, but I realize now he does not see me as a person but as an object. He is inconvenienced by my sadness. Today he asked me to talk about it and I tried and his answers were comparisons to a woman he knows, no details and please no judgments (I was horribly lonely) but a love interest, his wife, who had hardships and overcame them and then of course the cheerleader crap cliches, "nobody likes a quitter" crap like that. For reference, I have NOT slept or been intimate with this man. It's been online only. At one point, he asked me to marry him and I did not because of his situation and have kept my distance. But, he is a nail in my coffin. I have no one to talk to or love and I know now for sure, more than I did before, that I seriously just need to die already.
I've been researching SN today. It's so overwhelming. I already read the Night Night, hanging and Nitrogen megathreads. I just read the Goodbye thread from toofargone6969 and while sooo sad, I feel like she was a kindred spirit and inspired me to look into SN. She had just lost her dog and I keep thinking she was so lucky she didn't have to be without him for more than a few days before she CTB. I wish I had known her but I didn't know then this site even existed and my baby was still with me. Her CTB was a week before I lost him.
I've never been very strong. My husband used to tell me I was fragile but he took care of me and I hope we took care of each other. To be left alone in this world without him and now without our kitty who was my sole comfort, left with people who think comparisons and quitter judgments are ok is not a world I want to be a part of. What I really want is to find someone who is interested in a murder-suicide. Take me, then himself. Or, just a flat out "hitman" who I make a beneficiary to my accounts, so that upon my death, he is made whole and paid, and I can hopefully finally leave the world.
I'm sorry for the rant. I'm just more sure than I even was yesterday that I want to exit the world. I just need to find the method. Thanks for listening.
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