So I am moving to another state.
This will be how I explain my absence to most . I moved& we lost touch. Happens all too often in my life anyways.
I'm headed to see my lover and best friend one last time before I ctb.
She thinks I'm moving in with her to rest and not have to pay rent because I am disabled. Applied for benefits & got denied.
Need help. & It's all true mostly...
But this is where I'm not sure how to proceed exactly. .
I will stay with her for her bday in February and hang for a month or so.
Then I'll pack up, rent a car and tell her I'm moving to my home state to be closer to my baby cousins. She knows I feel bad for having left them alone with my crazy family so it won't seem too off base although she will see some red flags I think I can mask it.
But when I leave , I'll actually be going to a local 1,000 foot tall bridge to ctb and end my suffering.
I've thought about giving her my SS login info & password to a document that will serve as a suicide note for her eyes only.
I feel like such an asshole for leaving her this way, but not enough to not do it.. :/
I hope on some level my words will help her understand.
I can't keep a job I can't support myself & even before becoming disabled with Long covid & more, I was suicidal. Now it feels like I actually am at the end of my days with no reason to keep going.
Since I was a kid I have known , somewhere in me , that id die young , of cancer (32)& I'm 29.
I have a lump in my left tit that seems to be getting larger & I don't wanna wait to find out. I have no fight left in me...
I will eat some mushies, smoke multiple blunts and jump.
The end.
Please forgive me babygirl, and know I love you and am so sorry for the pain and grief this will cause.
This will be how I explain my absence to most . I moved& we lost touch. Happens all too often in my life anyways.
I'm headed to see my lover and best friend one last time before I ctb.
She thinks I'm moving in with her to rest and not have to pay rent because I am disabled. Applied for benefits & got denied.
Need help. & It's all true mostly...
But this is where I'm not sure how to proceed exactly. .
I will stay with her for her bday in February and hang for a month or so.
Then I'll pack up, rent a car and tell her I'm moving to my home state to be closer to my baby cousins. She knows I feel bad for having left them alone with my crazy family so it won't seem too off base although she will see some red flags I think I can mask it.
But when I leave , I'll actually be going to a local 1,000 foot tall bridge to ctb and end my suffering.
I've thought about giving her my SS login info & password to a document that will serve as a suicide note for her eyes only.
I feel like such an asshole for leaving her this way, but not enough to not do it.. :/
I hope on some level my words will help her understand.
I can't keep a job I can't support myself & even before becoming disabled with Long covid & more, I was suicidal. Now it feels like I actually am at the end of my days with no reason to keep going.
Since I was a kid I have known , somewhere in me , that id die young , of cancer (32)& I'm 29.
I have a lump in my left tit that seems to be getting larger & I don't wanna wait to find out. I have no fight left in me...
I will eat some mushies, smoke multiple blunts and jump.
The end.
Please forgive me babygirl, and know I love you and am so sorry for the pain and grief this will cause.
