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R

realname

Member
May 8, 2023
59
So I am moving to another state.

This will be how I explain my absence to most . I moved& we lost touch. Happens all too often in my life anyways.

I'm headed to see my lover and best friend one last time before I ctb.
She thinks I'm moving in with her to rest and not have to pay rent because I am disabled. Applied for benefits & got denied.
Need help. & It's all true mostly...

But this is where I'm not sure how to proceed exactly. .
I will stay with her for her bday in February and hang for a month or so.
Then I'll pack up, rent a car and tell her I'm moving to my home state to be closer to my baby cousins. She knows I feel bad for having left them alone with my crazy family so it won't seem too off base although she will see some red flags I think I can mask it.

But when I leave , I'll actually be going to a local 1,000 foot tall bridge to ctb and end my suffering.
I've thought about giving her my SS login info & password to a document that will serve as a suicide note for her eyes only.

I feel like such an asshole for leaving her this way, but not enough to not do it.. :/
I hope on some level my words will help her understand.
I can't keep a job I can't support myself & even before becoming disabled with Long covid & more, I was suicidal. Now it feels like I actually am at the end of my days with no reason to keep going.

Since I was a kid I have known , somewhere in me , that id die young , of cancer (32)& I'm 29.

I have a lump in my left tit that seems to be getting larger & I don't wanna wait to find out. I have no fight left in me...

I will eat some mushies, smoke multiple blunts and jump.

The end.
Please forgive me babygirl, and know I love you and am so sorry for the pain and grief this will cause.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
42,055
I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering, best wishes.
 
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B

baabbaabbaab

Student
Dec 12, 2023
196
You can't feel like an asshole. All you said here confirms you're kind and thoughtful. Don't be too hard on yourself. In the end, it's about your suffering and your will. :heart:
 
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R

realname

Member
May 8, 2023
59
Thanks for that. I'm sure you are aware that most people don't think this way & yet I know it to be true.

Can be hard not to attach myself to the shame I feel for most things especially on this issue. I appreciate your words of reassurance
 
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