Talk

[JesseJoldberJ]

Hello, I'm jesse.
I have been going through some harsh time, I believe that's normal but it did a quite an impact on me although I try to pish my face away from it and forget it.
But truly I can't, it has taken it's toll on me my sleep schedule is fucked, college is just several days from starting and I can't even enjoy anything at this moment, I tried drinking but it didn't help(I didn't drink much it tasted like shit and I almost threw up) I just feel empty, I know this sounds edgy to some people but I just can't get this feeling of emptiness in my life.
I don't enjoy my shows, I don't enjoy hangouts, I can't sleep, I don't think about ctb often, I have friends but I just don't think they'd understand how I feel, I feel like I am alone.
Existence could be beautiful, or it could be ugly.
I don't hate to exist, I hate to do things I don't want to do through out existence, I hate that I crave for feelings everyday, I don't feel anything, my joy is temporary I never felt love although I have been loved, I never felt hatred although I had fights with people, I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people, Even if I'm surrounded by my friends I feel that it's just me, alone.
I always push myself from thinking, I always try to not think.
I try to not to look on how fucked up my life is, on how much of fuck up I am right now, I act as I'm happy, I make funny jokes, I make everyone laugh in order to lick that little drops of dopamine I get from it, I don't protest against anything because I don't know what I want, I only feel afraid sometimes, I'm not smart but I'm no dumb either.
I want to exist I want to feel, I want to love.
I don't want to die, I don't to feel alone or afraid.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Those sound like symptoms of depression (I'm not trying to diagnose you or anything, it's just that what you have described are common symptoms of that disorder). Have you tried looking into your school's mental health services or into whether or not your insurance covers mental healthcare? I think it would benefit you to see a professional about this and get a proper diagnosis and treatment.

 

[JesseJoldberJ]

Those sound like symptoms of depression (I'm not trying to diagnose you or anything, it's just that what you have described are common symptoms of that disorder). Have you tried looking into your school's mental health services or into whether or not your insurance covers mental healthcare? I think it would benefit you to see a professional about this and get a proper diagnosis and treatment.

Where I live it's really hard to find a therapist or a professional mental healthcare, nor do schools or colleges invest in such ideas, I might have to look outside the state but mostly there isn't alot in the country due to what I call "medical school propaganda".
I'll try to find one outaide of the state later on in mid term.
Thank you for the advice.