Taking a huge risk by talking to someone

[kyhoti]

This weekend, I have an appointment with my sponsor (12-Step addiction recovery). There are things that are weighing on me, things which point toward CTB as the solution. Nobody really knows of these, I've not discussed them, but I will be telling him. Both that and my intentions to CTB.

I'm not unburdening myself to seek absolution from him, or in an attempt to get him to stop me. My risk is that he will either abandon me or report me. It's part of the 4th & 5th Step, IYKYK.

I've recently been released after almost a year in confinement and will not be going back if I can help it.

I'm not posting for advice. I am, however, interested if any of you have personal experience in this area, especially with Steps 4 & 5. This can be through PM, if I have those permissions on the site. Thanks.

 

[kyhoti]

Thanks. This will be my 3rd time through these Steps, and each time I've intentionally left things out. This led to relapses, the last of which took me out for SIXTEEN years. I came back to the rooms ob Feb 22, 2022, and I don't want to go out again.

 

[LowLevelChimp]

I'm sorry, I removed my post, I just feel completely unworthy right now.

Well done for getting back to the rooms.

 

[kyhoti]

Unworthy for what? Sharing your experience, strength and hope? I'm glad for the feedback, especially since tomorrow is the day. If I lose my sponsor over this, my CTB date will be radically sped up. I won't tell him that, but I lost my last sponsor during a 5th Step discussing this very same thing. Dude just walked out.

It was fucked up and traumatizing. However, "secrets keep us sick", and since I can't trust anyone else on the planet right now, this seems like the only way. I've prayed to my HP as best I can, but I have screwed up that relationship pretty badly (totally in knots over that too). It's a blind-faith situation, which scares the shit out of me.