Story Surviving 14 of my attempts in a week

[Cyagangy]

My story is long and you might not have a ton of time so I put a TL:DR at the bottom of this post.




It was September 15th, the month beforehand I had gotten baptized to prepare myself for my end. I ate my last meal,drank my last drink and feasted. My room was clean for the last time I did the dishes and I had recorded all of my suicide audios for my friends and family. I had printed out a paper that linked my Google drive so my family could have my will and my last words. I say it neatly up on my chair and turn my LED's purple. I got out my turkey bag,ratchet strap and bean bags. I take two Tylenol and get into bed for the last time. Throughout the day I made myself a "good bye" playlist of all the music I listened to during my suicide. My last movie was "A silent voice". I put on my earbuds and play the song "Introduction to the snow" by miracle musical. I put the turkey bag over my head then the bean bags over my trachea before tightening my ratchet strap and laying down fully. Vividly I remember holding my Bible to my chest as I accepted death. I said my final prayers and began to suffocate. It was uncomfortable but not agonizing. My body wanted sleep but couldn't so I ended up taking my bag off and letting my ratchet straps finish me. My adrenaline also kicked in since either feared being caught but I continued. That was my first attempt in the night. I went to sleep as the next song began playing "Dream sweet in sea major". It put me at ease and YouTube played more calming music before I reattempted 20 minutes later. It would be hilarious if it wasn't pathetic. Regardless I reattempted after my other reattempt failed but I struggled more as it was 4 am. I would have to go into school soon. Still that didn't work and I ended up going to school with agonizing respiratory issues.




The next night I did more research and retried the night night method with two straps. I was PISSED it failed but I would get it this time. Again the bag method failed but I retried that night. I failed once more. I make a post with my frustrations and on Wednesday I buy gorilla tape to use with the straps.




Third night of attempts and I do several different positions and attempts, I yield nothing. I have about 12 attempts by this point and I wake up again. This time I'm late for school and my mom was going to catch me with my ratchet strap and gorilla tape. I feel my mind reeling, "God how could you do this so? I only wished to accept my fate but you deny me so. Again and again and again, embarrassing me."






4th night I take advantage of my clean room. I put my chair under my bed and I make a noise with the ratchets and tie something hard to the bean bags so it actually presses on my trachea. I drug myself again and I lay down with my neck in my make shift noose. I lay down as the opening of "dream sweet in sea major" played. As I drifted and choked I held my Bible closer. I smiled softly but I didn't cry. I was ready to be in the loving embrace of God. It was a gorgeous scene. Death was beautiful, I could never recreate that feeling. Thinking about it now it brings a tear to my eye the perfection of it! I laid down neck crooked as my song played in my ear buds. My body helping to dim the purple LED's around me as my clean room made my body the only thing to stand out there. On my side was my nite being held by a plushie and it was beautiful. This time I genuinely felt death grasp me. I dance with her once more im ready to accept fate. But I wake up at 3 am and retry again. I give up and go to sleep on my couch chair. The next morning I didn't bother removing my loft bed noose. I just let it be, I return back and it's still there left untouched.




3 nights after that I was alone in bed. I wanted to curse the good lords name but I held back and forth that God rewarded me. He came to me in a vision and told me how the world was going to end, tribulations was near and my suffering would suffice. He showed me the biblical end of times. Angels slaying man both tongue and blade with buildings crumbles about. People screaming in agony and I couldn't help but laugh. Not a laugh of enjoyment or hopelessness but it was one of relief. I let go of my inhibitions, it was 2 am my mom was in her room awake and I began laughing realizing it was over. It was inappropriate paradoxical laughter but a laugh I required so. I just wanted to dedicate this story to telling everyone how beautiful death truly is and how God can work in mysterious ways.




TLDR: I attempted to CTB 14 times with the night-night method but I'm a dumbass so it didn't work. Had a really cinematic almost death and planned it perfectly. 3 days after my last attempt God showed me the end of the world and I had a good laugh after receiving my biblical vision.

What song will you play during your suicide?

Grace by Jeff Buckley is possibly the perfect farewell song. Although being about death in general I think it can fit in the context of suicide as well.

sanctioned-suicide.net

Attempting one last time with Night-Night

At this point I might be the biggest Night-Night defender out there but I managed to get some help from a friend in tying down the damn ratchet. Now I can properly attempt it. If I don't post anything for 2 days then I succeeded but if I survive this one then I'm really just going to quit it and...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Failed 5 times in 2 days

I said I would just take it as a sign to live if I fail once but failing five fucking times in two nights has me feeling even more pissed off. I think I might try partial suspension or sum.

sanctioned-suicide.net

My final day on earth+last meal

Welp today is Sunday! Made my final meal last night, went to church and got right with God this morning, hopped on call with my family and friends said goodbye. I have my tape,scissors, ratchet strap,turkey bag and bean bags ready. For my last meal I had Fried Oreos,"Kuzunoha" (drink I made up...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[webb&flow]

May God give you love and mercy throughout all your struggle and confusion

 

[Cyagangy]

Thank you, he has and I'm in a better space mentally now.

May God give you love and mercy throughout all your struggle and confusion

 

[webb&flow]

Am most glad to hear that :) God bless

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I'm sorry that you must go through that much pain. I hope you can find peace even within life.

 

[telekon]

My story is long and you might not have a ton of time so I put a TL:DR at the bottom of this post.




It was September 15th, the month beforehand I had gotten baptized to prepare myself for my end. I ate my last meal,drank my last drink and feasted. My room was clean for the last time I did the dishes and I had recorded all of my suicide audios for my friends and family. I had printed out a paper that linked my Google drive so my family could have my will and my last words. I say it neatly up on my chair and turn my LED's purple. I got out my turkey bag,ratchet strap and bean bags. I take two Tylenol and get into bed for the last time. Throughout the day I made myself a "good bye" playlist of all the music I listened to during my suicide. My last movie was "A silent voice". I put on my earbuds and play the song "Introduction to the snow" by miracle musical. I put the turkey bag over my head then the bean bags over my trachea before tightening my ratchet strap and laying down fully. Vividly I remember holding my Bible to my chest as I accepted death. I said my final prayers and began to suffocate. It was uncomfortable but not agonizing. My body wanted sleep but couldn't so I ended up taking my bag off and letting my ratchet straps finish me. My adrenaline also kicked in since either feared being caught but I continued. That was my first attempt in the night. I went to sleep as the next song began playing "Dream sweet in sea major". It put me at ease and YouTube played more calming music before I reattempted 20 minutes later. It would be hilarious if it wasn't pathetic. Regardless I reattempted after my other reattempt failed but I struggled more as it was 4 am. I would have to go into school soon. Still that didn't work and I ended up going to school with agonizing respiratory issues.




The next night I did more research and retried the night night method with two straps. I was PISSED it failed but I would get it this time. Again the bag method failed but I retried that night. I failed once more. I make a post with my frustrations and on Wednesday I buy gorilla tape to use with the straps.




Third night of attempts and I do several different positions and attempts, I yield nothing. I have about 12 attempts by this point and I wake up again. This time I'm late for school and my mom was going to catch me with my ratchet strap and gorilla tape. I feel my mind reeling, "God how could you do this so? I only wished to accept my fate but you deny me so. Again and again and again, embarrassing me."






4th night I take advantage of my clean room. I put my chair under my bed and I make a noise with the ratchets and tie something hard to the bean bags so it actually presses on my trachea. I drug myself again and I lay down with my neck in my make shift noose. I lay down as the opening of "dream sweet in sea major" played. As I drifted and choked I held my Bible closer. I smiled softly but I didn't cry. I was ready to be in the loving embrace of God. It was a gorgeous scene. Death was beautiful, I could never recreate that feeling. Thinking about it now it brings a tear to my eye the perfection of it! I laid down neck crooked as my song played in my ear buds. My body helping to dim the purple LED's around me as my clean room made my body the only thing to stand out there. On my side was my nite being held by a plushie and it was beautiful. This time I genuinely felt death grasp me. I dance with her once more im ready to accept fate. But I wake up at 3 am and retry again. I give up and go to sleep on my couch chair. The next morning I didn't bother removing my loft bed noose. I just let it be, I return back and it's still there left untouched.




3 nights after that I was alone in bed. I wanted to curse the good lords name but I held back and forth that God rewarded me. He came to me in a vision and told me how the world was going to end, tribulations was near and my suffering would suffice. He showed me the biblical end of times. Angels slaying man both tongue and blade with buildings crumbles about. People screaming in agony and I couldn't help but laugh. Not a laugh of enjoyment or hopelessness but it was one of relief. I let go of my inhibitions, it was 2 am my mom was in her room awake and I began laughing realizing it was over. It was inappropriate paradoxical laughter but a laugh I required so. I just wanted to dedicate this story to telling everyone how beautiful death truly is and how God can work in mysterious ways.




TLDR: I attempted to CTB 14 times with the night-night method but I'm a dumbass so it didn't work. Had a really cinematic almost death and planned it perfectly. 3 days after my last attempt God showed me the end of the world and I had a good laugh after receiving my biblical vision.

What song will you play during your suicide?

Grace by Jeff Buckley is possibly the perfect farewell song. Although being about death in general I think it can fit in the context of suicide as well.

sanctioned-suicide.net

Attempting one last time with Night-Night

At this point I might be the biggest Night-Night defender out there but I managed to get some help from a friend in tying down the damn ratchet. Now I can properly attempt it. If I don't post anything for 2 days then I succeeded but if I survive this one then I'm really just going to quit it and...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Failed 5 times in 2 days

I said I would just take it as a sign to live if I fail once but failing five fucking times in two nights has me feeling even more pissed off. I think I might try partial suspension or sum.

sanctioned-suicide.net

My final day on earth+last meal

Welp today is Sunday! Made my final meal last night, went to church and got right with God this morning, hopped on call with my family and friends said goodbye. I have my tape,scissors, ratchet strap,turkey bag and bean bags ready. For my last meal I had Fried Oreos,"Kuzunoha" (drink I made up...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Sooo how's it gonna end?

 

[Sunshine]

So while you are suffering God comes to you in a vision showing you how his angels are gonna kill people and make the world crumble and that made you feel better with people screaming in agony? Incredible. Our omnipotent God who with a snap of his finger could make everyone happy is just playing bizarre games instead.

 

[Cyagangy]

So while you are suffering God comes to you in a vision showing you how his angels are gonna kill people and make the world crumble and that made you feel better with people screaming in agony? Incredible. Our omnipotent God who with a snap of his finger could make everyone happy is just playing bizarre games instead.

I would do the same thing if I was God. You can do anything you want and your telling me you wouldn't do a miniscule amount of trolling to your creations?

Sooo how's it gonna end?

The world or my life? Originally I was going to self immolate but I'm getting my guide checked by theologists before I do the whole martyr thing.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Wow, you got a cool vision of angels slaying the wicked.
Thanks for sharing the vision and what happened before and after.

 

[Cyagangy]

Wow, you got a cool vision of angels slaying the wicked.
Thanks for sharing the vision and what happened before and after.

Thanks! Anytime.

 

[Sunshine]

I would do the same thing if I was God. You can do anything you want and your telling me you wouldn't do a miniscule amount of trolling to your creations?

The world or my life? Originally I was going to self immolate but I'm getting my guide checked by theologists before I do the whole martyr thing.

Millions of children being r*ped and billions animals being devoured alive and in terror is "a little trolling", yeah?

 

[Cyagangy]

Millions of children being r*ped and billions animals being devoured alive and in terror is "a little trolling", yeah?

God ain't tell people to do all that. The gift of free will means after we come out the womb then we only have ourselves to blame for our shitty actions.

 

[dragon.//]

Millions of children being r*ped and billions animals being devoured alive and in terror is "a little trolling", yeah?

Dont bother, religious people are ragebait

 

[Oreki]

I would do the same thing if I was God. You can do anything you want and your telling me you wouldn't do a miniscule amount of trolling to your creations?

The world or my life? Originally I was going to self immolate but I'm getting my guide checked by theologists before I do the whole martyr thing.

That sounds like a double standard to me. If you say you would "troll" others for your own amusement, why shouldn't your own suffering be justified by the same logic?

Hypothetically speaking, if someone put themselves above others by having a god complex and believed they could do anything they wanted to them, would "a little trolling" still be acceptable? In principle, it's the same logic. Someone with power justifying the suffering of others through their own perspective or amusement that's the same moral structure.

I'm glad you're feeling better again, but you should really rethink this.

 

[Sunshine]

God ain't tell people to do all that. The gift of free will means after we come out the womb then we only have ourselves to blame for our shitty actions.

Did God not create nature and the world? All the animals who suffer?

But big shout out to God to watch children being raped and not helping because he respects the free will of child rapists too much. Cool guy.

 

[Cyagangy]

That sounds like a double standard to me. If you say you would "troll" others for your own amusement, why shouldn't your own suffering be justified by the same logic?

Hypothetically speaking, if someone put themselves above others by having a god complex and believed they could do anything they wanted to them, would "a little trolling" still be acceptable? In principle, it's the same logic. Someone with power justifying the suffering of others through their own perspective or amusement that's the same moral structure.

I'm glad you're feeling better again, but you should really rethink this.

I already decided not to a while ago. Honestly this argument is valid. God as a concept is odd because he makes all the rules but won't punish anyone until everything is all said and done. But morality isn't always decided by what we inherently know as right and wrong, it's usually set by those in power. For example drug use, I personally think that people should be able to use illicit drugs but the government disagrees.

Did God not create nature and the world? All the animals who suffer?

But big shout out to God to watch children being raped and not helping because he respects the free will of child rapists too much. Cool guy.

You do know what God does once said child rapist is dead right?

Dont bother, religious people are ragebait

I'm not rage baiting, I am open to all Manor of respectfully discussion and disagreement. That's what a forum is mainly used for, yeah?

 

[copioushopelessness]

When is the world going to end?

 

[dragon.//]

I already decided not to a while ago. Honestly this argument is valid. God as a concept is odd because he makes all the rules but won't punish anyone until everything is all said and done. But morality isn't always decided by what we inherently know as right and wrong, it's usually set by those in power. For example drug use, I personally think that people should be able to use illicit drugs but the government disagrees.

You do know what God does once said child rapist is dead right?

I'm not rage baiting, I am open to all Manor of respectfully discussion and disagreement. That's what a forum is mainly used for, yeah?

You are not consciously ragebaiting, the way you think is ragebait.

 

[Cyagangy]

You are not consciously ragebaiting, the way you think is ragebait.

Ragebait toward myself or? I think I'm a bit confused here.

When is the world going to end?

Shortly after I die, whenever the hell that is.

 

[Oreki]

But morality isn't always decided by what we inherently know as right and wrong, it's usually set by those in power.

Sociologically, you're right. Power may shape morality socially, but it does not grant moral legitimacy.

Its legitimacy depends on the reasons behind it, not on authority. As Kant argued, morality must be grounded in rational principles, not power. That's my take on it. I align with that view.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

God ain't tell people to do all that. The gift of free will means after we come out the womb then we only have ourselves to blame for our shitty actions.

So, what is this almighty's rationale for creating a world, or allowing such conditions to exist in the world, whereby innocent babies are born into said world with horrific diseases, or disfigurements? Oh, right, I forgot, it's just those "mysterious" ways.

You do know what God does once said child rapist is dead right?

Is there some kind of benefit to the child that this almighty deems necessary for specific children to endure? Makes no sense.

I guess this almighty must be a sadist, because the entire world is built upon pain. Whether it's physical pain experienced from disease, or needing to kill and eat other living things in order to stay alive, the entire concept of living is predicated in some way of inflicting pain on something else. The almighty must really be getting his "rocks" off on that.

 

[Cyagangy]

Sociologically, you're right. Power may shape morality socially, but it does not grant moral legitimacy.

Its legitimacy depends on the reasons behind it, not on authority. As Kant argued, morality must be grounded in rational principles, not power. That's my take on it. I align with that view.

Gotta say that, that's a valid take. I always found it interesting how people describe morality or atleast what they believe is morality. Such an interesting grey area.

So, what is this almighty's rationale for creating a world, or allowing such conditions to exist in the world, whereby innocent babies are born into said world with horrific diseases, or disfigurements? Oh, right, I forgot, it's just those "mysterious" ways.


Is there some kind of benefit to the child that this almighty deems necessary for specific children to endure? Makes no sense.

I guess this almighty must be a sadist, because the entire world is built upon pain. Whether it's physical pain experienced from disease, or needing to kill and eat other living things in order to stay alive, the entire concept of living is predicated in some way of inflicting pain on something else. The almighty must really be getting his "rocks" off on that.

Possibly, no one can really say for sure. It's left to interpretation, the old testament claims the world was more wicked at a certain point. Considering current events going on now, I question why the word hasn't been flooded again. People make many claims about and for God, I can only give hypothesis and info that I have from the Bible however anything else I provide is just speculation on my part. He simply observes and judges, like how someone would watch a show. Which sucks especially if you are super religious and pray to him just for nothing to happen.

 

[Sunshine]

I already decided not to a while ago. Honestly this argument is valid. God as a concept is odd because he makes all the rules but won't punish anyone until everything is all said and done. But morality isn't always decided by what we inherently know as right and wrong, it's usually set by those in power. For example drug use, I personally think that people should be able to use illicit drugs but the government disagrees.

You do know what God does once said child rapist is dead right?

I'm not rage baiting, I am open to all Manor of respectfully discussion and disagreement. That's what a forum is mainly used for, yeah?

How does God punishing the child rapist make it okay that he just watches passively while the child begs for help though? Lol.
Imagine your best friend watches your own child or loved one raped and murdered without intervening. And then tells you: "Oh but the criminal will get punished later, so it's okay that I just watched and didn't help while they suffered terribly."

Completely fucked in the head.

 

[Cyagangy]

How does God punishing the child rapist make it okay that he just watches passively while the child begs for help though? Lol.
Imagine your best friend watches your own child or loved one raped and murdered without intervening. And then tells you: "Oh but the criminal will get punished later, so it's okay that I just watched and didn't help while they suffered terribly."

Completely fucked in the head.

Once more it's free will, if God fixed every evil on this planet we would have another flood. He promised to not do that. It's similar to how a judge would act, except in this case the judge knows literally everything. Which believe me is very fucked but who am I to judge? I didn't create all of everything.

 

[Sunshine]

Once more it's free will, if God fixed every evil on this planet we would have another flood. He promised to not do that. It's similar to how a judge would act, except in this case the judge knows literally everything. Which believe me is very fucked but who am I to judge? I didn't create all of everything.

Bullshit. If God is omnipotent and created the universe, he could simply decide what free will entails and define it differently. Even Christians and Muslims believe they have free will in Heaven WITHOUT being able to rape children, odd how that works, huh?

 

[fadedghost]

God ain't tell people to do all that. The gift of free will means after we come out the womb then we only have ourselves to blame for our shitty actions.

there's no scientific evidence for any "free will"

 

[aufrechtm7]

Bullshit. If God is omnipotent and created the universe, he could simply decide what free will entails and define it differently. Even Christians and Muslims believe they have free will in Heaven WITHOUT being able to rape children, odd how that works, huh?

Technically, free will doesn't actually exist in heaven since we can only love. Christians and Muslims usually defend it by holding the belief that there's an ontological change in the transition from an earthly human to a heavenly angel. Not saying I disagree with you, just wanted to clear something up.

 

[Sunshine]

Technically, free will doesn't actually exist in heaven since we can only love. Christians and Muslims usually defend it by holding the belief that there's an ontological change in the transition from an earthly human to a heavenly angel. Not saying I disagree with you, just wanted to clear something up.

That would mean that free will isn't needed to have a meaningful relationship with God, so God enforcing free will on Earth makes no sense.

 

[aufrechtm7]

That would mean that free will isn't needed to have a meaningful relationship with God, so God enforcing free will on Earth makes no sense.

Humans on earth are functionally different from transformed saints, hence the ontological shift. Within the religious framework it makes sense, whether that's coherent is another discussion.

 

[Sunshine]

Humans on earth are functionally different from transformed saints, hence the ontological shift. Within the religious framework it makes sense, whether that's coherent is another discussion.

It proves that God is able to create or put humans in a state (shifted, transformed, or whatever else) to have a meaningful and blissful relationship with him without the ability to "rape children" which leaves no logical explanation as to why God insists that it is possible on Earth while he just watches.