Today I woke up with overwhelming feeling of not wanting to exist. I won't bore you with details, but it feels like most of the reasons I had for keep living are gone.
I got to witness the cognitive dissonance first hand. I was thinking about it logically and death seems like the only way further.
On one hand I might lose everything. I might never see sun shining, feel a wind opon my skin, or what good food tastes like. Even if on paper my life has no value, I have to admit it kind of sucks to lose these things.
One the other hand I'm going to die eventually anyways. It's not like I'm losing something that otherwise would be permanent. Dying now would save me so much suffering, because it's just downhill from now anyways.
So I decided to do it, there is just no good argument against it. I started to go up the stairs to the rooftop, so I can jump. I wasn't even on the highest floor and my legs already felt wobbly. It was as if I had to manually do every single step, my stomach was turning, every single fibre of my being was drenched in fear. I had to stop and sit down. I was thinking things like "I have to do it" "I'm going now". But my body just didn't move.
I hate this. Fuck this stupid fear. All I want is a bit of peace. Fuck nature for forcing me to live against my will.
I got to witness the cognitive dissonance first hand. I was thinking about it logically and death seems like the only way further.
On one hand I might lose everything. I might never see sun shining, feel a wind opon my skin, or what good food tastes like. Even if on paper my life has no value, I have to admit it kind of sucks to lose these things.
One the other hand I'm going to die eventually anyways. It's not like I'm losing something that otherwise would be permanent. Dying now would save me so much suffering, because it's just downhill from now anyways.
So I decided to do it, there is just no good argument against it. I started to go up the stairs to the rooftop, so I can jump. I wasn't even on the highest floor and my legs already felt wobbly. It was as if I had to manually do every single step, my stomach was turning, every single fibre of my being was drenched in fear. I had to stop and sit down. I was thinking things like "I have to do it" "I'm going now". But my body just didn't move.
I hate this. Fuck this stupid fear. All I want is a bit of peace. Fuck nature for forcing me to live against my will.
