Suicide Shame

[GHOST99]

I want to ctb, but the thing is, I know people will be angry at me after I commit.

My parents were immigrants to the US so I can have a better life than they did. The problem I have is that both of them are no longer living and I see no future for myself then on. I have an uncle and a sister, some friends that may miss me- but they would be extremely disappointed in me for dying and would most likely use me as a conversation piece afterwards. I know it is inevitable, but it irritates the hell out of me. Like holy fxck just let me rest in peace...

Why can't I just disappear instead? Going away quietly is like a dream to me. Also, do any of you have similar thoughts or tips on how to overcome this type of shame/guilt?

 

[Ivenocare]

I am the exact same... my family wants me to stay alive; but I am so tired of living. They are my only reason for not doing it; although I have attempted several times this year; I have finally had conversations about it, they are trying to keep me as their prisoner. My only feelings that help are my nihilism and thoughts how one day all life and pain will come to an end. I too wish I could just disappear, I often think if only I was never born, but in death I may get true freedom.

 

[GHOST99]

I am the exact same... my family wants me to stay alive; but I am so tired of living. They are my only reason for not doing it; although I have attempted several times this year; I have finally had conversations about it, they are trying to keep me as their prisoner. My only feelings that help are my nihilism and thoughts how one day all life and pain will come to an end. I too wish I could just disappear, I often think if only I was never born, but in death I may get true freedom.

I'm sorry you're feeling trapped, friend. It does help myself as well to think that way too. That: "We all die in the end, so why don't I just cut to to the chase instead of suffering any longer/death by physical illness/old age?". I just feel like I'm wasting time by not dying, if it makes sense lol! But there are still a couple of things I have to do to prepare for my exit..

 

[Going Home]

I want to ctb, but the thing is, I know people will be angry at me after I commit.

My parents were immigrants to the US so I can have a better life than they did. The problem I have is that both of them are no longer living and I see no future for myself then on. I have an uncle and a sister, some friends that may miss me- but they would be extremely disappointed in me for dying and would most likely use me as a conversation piece afterwards. I know it is inevitable, but it irritates the hell out of me. Like holy fxck just let me rest in peace...

Why can't I just disappear instead? Going away quietly is like a dream to me. Also, do any of you have similar thoughts or tips on how to overcome this type of shame/guilt?

I can't speak to guilt or shame but going away quietly is a great idea, wish I knew how.

 

[Miserable]

I don't feel this way at all. Maybe a little bad for my immediate family, but I'm hurt and angry at others that I wanna die even more to shame THEM

 

[1964dodge]

the stigma of suicide in most societies brings shame to the entire family. this is why a lot of people lie about the cause of death. there is no way out of this way of thinking. the only way to avoid this shame is if your death looks like an accident which these methods are less reliable. I know that this way of thinking isn't fair, but it's a fact of life

 

[Laststop]

I too am sorry this weighs on you. The truth is we can't know, or control, exactly what the reaction will be of us CTB. I think the one thing we can do is minimize what we leave behind. Which is easier for some of us than others. Leave nothing left behind if you can. Close out and resolve anything of yourself. Have no physical objects related to you for anyone to handle. Bare walls only. Make the transition into being accepted as gone as seamless as possible. If "they" have to do it you can be sure they will not only have it fuel them on because they had to, but also give them the feeling of justification in seeking sympathy for "what they've been through."

 

[Lara Francis]

I want to ctb, but the thing is, I know people will be angry at me after I commit.

My parents were immigrants to the US so I can have a better life than they did. The problem I have is that both of them are no longer living and I see no future for myself then on. I have an uncle and a sister, some friends that may miss me- but they would be extremely disappointed in me for dying and would most likely use me as a conversation piece afterwards. I know it is inevitable, but it irritates the hell out of me. Like holy fxck just let me rest in peace...

Why can't I just disappear instead? Going away quietly is like a dream to me. Also, do any of you have similar thoughts or tips on how to overcome this type of shame/guilt?

This highlights the concept of misunderstood suicide by the wider community.
living for others does not bring us contentment and a will to live just by being encouraged to do so by others and for the benefit of others.
Its just not enough.
On the flip side , its often impossible for loved ones to let you go and not care but suicide will sadly be associated with guilt and shame because of a lack of understanding and acceptence.

The only suggestion would be to leave notes that explain how u felt and why you made the decision which may bring you some comfort and peace.
Its often the case that we are spoken of more when we are dead than alive.!
But by explaining your reasons i hope u would be remembered in a good light and not just by the way u left.
I wish u well and im sorry these thoughts are heavy on your mind.
You need to give this some thought before moving forward.x

 

[GHOST99]

Thank you all for your insight.

@Miserable I understand your feelings. The current people I have kept in my life I would feel guilty about ctb but some people that I have left in my past that have done me wrong(foster system, grandparents)... thinking of them and what they have done, it makes me seep with the type of hurt anger that would cause me to act impulsively and show them their actions have fatal consequence. it would be my only source of self justice tbh.

@1964dodge I hear ya. It would be tricky for me to make it look like an accident. I totaled my car last month but I ended up surviving... fml

@Laststop Ahhh man, I know there's a topic on this forum here somewhere about suicide/selfishness/reaction of others, but have you guys ever checked out /r/SuicideBereavement on reddit?? I've stopped reading it about 2wks ago, but it made me so guilty to die. It also made me angry at some of the threads there, but they have a right to post freely what they think there. I know I'm still going to ctb tho

@Lara Francis That's true! I was just thinking I wouldn't leave a note, mainly bc people would probably have a pretty good guess for my reasoning anyways. But it would give comfort to myself knowing I explained my feelings the best that I could.

--

I still wish I knew how to go quietly without it affecting other people...

 

[HGL91]

@GHOST99 I totaled my car recently too driving in the rain on the freeway and clients and co-workers kept saying "The important thing is that YOU'RE okay". And quite frankly, I wish I could tell them they were wrong and how I would have preferred to die instantaneously after spinning 4 times on the freeway and running into a wall!

 

[GHOST99]

@GHOST99 I totaled my car recently too driving in the rain on the freeway and clients and co-workers kept saying "The important thing is that YOU'RE okay". And quite frankly, I wish I could tell them they were wrong and how I would have preferred to die instantaneously after spinning 4 times on the freeway and running into a wall!

x_x Dude ikr?! Ever since then I've been obsessively thinking.. my car died but not me?! there are so many times I escaped death on accident, and I know people say "wow a miracle ur guardian angel is protecting u (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" but being a suicidal person it makes me feel ridiculous its almost comical omg like this is not a gift it is a CUUURSE

 

[HGL91]

x_x Dude ikr?! Ever since then I've been obsessively thinking.. my car died but not me?! there are so many times I escaped death on accident, and I know people say "wow a miracle ur guardian angel is protecting u (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" but being a suicidal person it makes me feel ridiculous its almost comical omg like this is not a gift it is a CUUURSE

Haha guardian angel. Yes, a man in a white gown with wings gave us a big hug while we totaled our car. Obviously.

It seriously is a curse. Life is like "Here's some trauma to decrease your quality of life! No eternal rest for you yet!"

 

[GHOST99]

Haha guardian angel. Yes, a man in a white gown with wings gave us a big hug while we totaled our car. Obviously.

It seriously is a curse. Life is like "Here's some trauma to decrease your quality of life! No eternal rest for you yet!"

T_T It makes me feel bitter towards the world, there are other people who want to live so badly but of all people... They give this ability to the one that wants to die so badly

Also, a spin out + crash sounds horrifying, especially on the freeway no less. Ik you would have liked to be gone but I hope it hasn't left you with serious physical damage.

 

[DreamCatcher]

Disappearing was something I tried to do before considering suicide. I was so far away from home so many times, but each time after a few weeks I gave up and came back. So many things dragged me back, the good thoughts, the good people, the good memories. Those dragged me back to the life that I hated.

I know now that I need to actually CTB, I can't just go away and hide from the world. It needs to be over and done with. Running away didn't solve the problem that is me.

 

[Ready124]

I'm sorry you're feeling trapped, friend. It does help myself as well to think that way too. That: "We all die in the end, so why don't I just cut to to the chase instead of suffering any longer/death by physical illness/old age?". I just feel like I'm wasting time by not dying, if it makes sense lol! But there are still a couple of things I have to do to prepare for my exit..

You have taken the words out my mouth. So true

 

[HGL91]

T_T It makes me feel bitter towards the world, there are other people who want to live so badly but of all people... They give this ability to the one that wants to die so badly

Also, a spin out + crash sounds horrifying, especially on the freeway no less. Ik you would have liked to be gone but I hope it hasn't left you with serious physical damage.

I know, right? There are cancer patients that will say they love their life and their family so much and they're gonna fight to the end. And then I'm over here slowly wasting away with no interest in sticking around.

Thanks. The back of my car ended up hitting the wall and I ended up having no physical injuries and went to work the next day. I was actually relaxing into the situation because I thought I was going to die, so I didn't even really tense up.

 

[GHOST99]

I know, right? There are cancer patients that will say they love their life and their family so much and they're gonna fight to the end. And then I'm over here slowly wasting away with no interest in sticking around.

Thanks. The back of my car ended up hitting the wall and I ended up having no physical injuries and went to work the next day. I was actually relaxing into the situation because I thought I was going to die, so I didn't even really tense up.

In that moment....

Running away didn't solve the problem that is me.

Fxck, reading your post and that sentence specifically made my heart hurt lol.. Does resonate with me a ton though. Moving physically changes the setting but not the situation sadly.

I hope you find peace/true happiness one day, whatever that may mean for you.

 

[HGL91]

In that moment....

View attachment 13813


Fxck, reading your post and that sentence specifically made my heart hurt lol.. Does resonate with me a ton though. Moving physically changes the setting but not the situation sadly.

I hope you find peace/true happiness one day, whatever that may mean for you.

Lol I was totally that puppy dog.

 

[cyberlordsumit]

Maybe this will help..

when you CTB, you no longer need to worry about anything. Ever.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i know this is an old thread, but i can relate to your situation. my mom worked her ass to learn english and get a "respectable" job, and i can't thank her enough for saving me from the hardships she had to face. i don't have any advice on how to cope with this guilt, though.

 

[Nymph]

My mom told me that if I die she will probably divorce with my dad and that it will destroy their relationship. My dad has high pressure and had a mini heart attack already and mom thinks he might get a real one when he gets the news. And I also have a rabbit that is very attached to me and mom says some animals can die when their owner passes away or leaves. I know that the last one is true but she just keeps talking about it over and over and manipulating me into feeling guilty. The thing is that they made me even though I didn't wanna live. Now they have to pay for that.