Venting "Suicide isn't selfish" is complete bullshit and I'm a coward

[useruser888]

I'm a horrible person. I'm not going to argue with anyone about that. I'm failing school and it's my fault. I knew that not taking my assignments seriously would lead to me failing, and I accept that. But fuck, I have friends and family that care about me. One of my friends was lecturing me about my grades, and one of my friends told me what the "least" painful method is, and I don't want them to think that my suicide is their fault. I'd rather that they think I'm a selfish asshole that died because he couldn't handle the consequences of his actions. And it's very off topic to the original post, but I'm scared of what's gonna happen when I die. I don't want to go to hell, but the idea that my consciousness just stops and I don't exist anymore is scary too. I'm such a coward. I can't commit and I can't continue living.

 

[cyanidekitty]

man committing is never easy with most ppl & some people have to come to terms with their decision to.

i definitely understand how you're worried about what happens after you die but even if you weren't to lose your life to suicide, you still have to pass on someday. not tryna encourage suicide, thats just how i get past thinking about what happens after death (although i believe in reincarnation myself i also believe that whatever someone else truly believes in, thats what they'll get)

i also have friends and family that i guess care abt me but my mental betrays me allll the time which typically causes me to have suicidal thoughts & sh frequently (but wtv ive came to terms with that)
i get not wanting to leave your family n friends behind to deal w the pain you'd cause them but notes to reassure them that it isnt their fault or something to help them remember the memories yall made is always an option!

im sorry this is super conflicting for you, but dont force suicide upon yourself cause once you do it, thats it & its over. try to see where life takes you. i wish you the best

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I have a similar attitude. For me my suicide will be very selfish. I wasn't failed by anyone, I've been on the receiving end of a lot of love and compassion and I'm going to be throwing that back in their face in the biggest way imaginable. Part of the reason I'm even on this site is because how the suicide of someone close to me absolutely broke me.

The thing is, I deserve to suffer, I deserve to be unhappy. I want to die to escape the consequences of my own choices. But family? My friends (what few I have left)? They didn't do anything to deserve this kind of pain.

I understand your fear and uncertainty. It's far from a straight forward choice.

 

[NihilDoll]

To be perfectly honest, and please don't read this as critique or anything, i find the whole discussion about it being selfish or not entirely bizarre.
It always makes it sound like the default has to be altruism. As if you only exist for those surrounding you.
All you can ever be is yourself, your own person. And every person has their limits and breaking points.
Decisions aren't a one way street.
You're not the only one who needs to conform to others decision. If you made yours, it's no one else's fault. It's just a decision that has been made.

I'll have to chime in with @cyanidekitty, don't force this decision upon yourself.
If your heart wavers, take the opportunity to do some reevaluation. Your pain is incredibly relatable, and please don't think i'm trying to diminish it in any way, but your situation is not inescapable.
There are countless people who completely crashed out during school who ended up leading great lifes.

School is fucked. Everywhere. It's a system built for a different age that never evolved, because the people in charge have a "we've always done it that way" attitude.
There are those that can conform and there are those that just check out. That doesn't make you any worse if you ask me.
You're facing a system that expects everyone to conform to a standard simply not meant for this day and age anymore.

Small anecdote:
I was a horrible student myself to the point that i eventually skipped a whole year because i just couldn't take it anymore.
Bully victim, "weird kid" and quite frankly, i just didn't see the point of it all.
And then vocational school happened years later. The dumb kid that didn't go to regular school now was an A-grade student.
What changed? Context.
I knew why i was learning all that stuff. The context of it being work related changed everything.

You can make the decision to end it all whenever you like. You have a whole lifetime's worth of time for that.
But if your heart wavers, maybe all you need is a change of perspective.
There's this old video of an Australian man talking about water bottle prices.
"In the store, a water bottle costs 1 buck, in the cinema, it costs 3 and on an airplane it costs 5. Maybe you're not worthless, maybe you just need a change of location"

Maybe you're not half as horrible as you think. Maybe it's your situation, your surroundings that make you feel less valuable.
Take your hesitation to do some introspection. The world sucks, have you seen it recently? You can't be worse than that!

 

[cyanidekitty]

School is fucked. Everywhere. It's a system built for a different age that never evolved, because the people in charge have a "we've always done it that way" attitude.
There are those that can conform and there are those that just check out. That doesn't make you any worse if you ask me.
You're facing a system that expects everyone to conform to a standard simply not meant for this day and age anymore.

dudeee 100 fuckin %. traditional school isnt for everyone & neither is online. it really all depends on you. shit happens & maybe its just not right for you. you're not any less of a person because the school you're attending isnt fitting for you & its causing you to slip!

 

[NihilDoll]

Yup, it's something i've been talking about with a friend for ages now.
I have absolute sympathy for anyone who feels like they failed one way or another. Been there, done that.
But school (or work for that matter) should be the last thing you should beat yourself up over.
The system failed you, not the other way around.
Schools aren't set up to cater to individual strengths, they're a rigid, conformist structure. And some can adapt, some can't.
And we simply have no plan B for those that can't.
Your feelings are absolutely valid, but you failing school is not worth having so much power over you.

 

[useruser888]

To be perfectly honest, and please don't read this as critique or anything, i find the whole discussion about it being selfish or not entirely bizarre.
It always makes it sound like the default has to be altruism. As if you only exist for those surrounding you.
All you can ever be is yourself, your own person. And every person has their limits and breaking points.
Decisions aren't a one way street.
You're not the only one who needs to conform to others decision. If you made yours, it's no one else's fault. It's just a decision that has been made.

I appreciate that you typed out all these kind words for me. And everyone else in this thread as well. I admire that you guys took the time out of your day to type a comment for an internet stranger. I just wanted to reply to yours specifically because I don't want you to think I'm someone that's innocent. I knew what would happen if I slacked off, and I slacked off anyway. I knew how to get good grades, but I didn't do it, because I didn't want to put in the work for it. And I paid the price for it by failing most of my classes. This isn't a situation of the school system failing a student. I knew what to do so I wouldn't be in this situation and just chose not to do it.

 

[NihilDoll]

I appreciate that you typed out all these kind words for me. And everyone else in this thread as well. I admire that you guys took the time out of your day to type a comment for an internet stranger. I just wanted to reply to yours specifically because I don't want you to think I'm someone that's innocent. I knew what would happen if I slacked off, and I slacked off anyway. I knew how to get good grades, but I didn't do it, because I didn't want to put in the work for it. And I paid the price for it by failing most of my classes. This isn't a situation of the school system failing a student. I knew what to do so I wouldn't be in this situation and just chose not to do it.

And i'd argue that it is also a School's job to keep its students engaged and motivated.
In a perfect world, schools are a place one wants to go to, because it makes them feel more prepared for life.
You slacking off shows that the school failed to give you that feeling. The inherent feeling that it's worth it to put that effort. To make you *want* to put that effort in, because it's worth it.

But i'm not here to lecture you, please just see it as my 2 cents on the topic of schools in general ^^

And as for taking the time to talk to a stranger.
We're all here for similar reasons. And these reasons connect us more than on pretty much any other community.

 

[Ghostlights]

I'm a horrible person. I'm not going to argue with anyone about that. I'm failing school and it's my fault. I knew that not taking my assignments seriously would lead to me failing, and I accept that. But fuck, I have friends and family that care about me. One of my friends was lecturing me about my grades, and one of my friends told me what the "least" painful method is, and I don't want them to think that my suicide is their fault. I'd rather that they think I'm a selfish asshole that died because he couldn't handle the consequences of his actions. And it's very off topic to the original post, but I'm scared of what's gonna happen when I die. I don't want to go to hell, but the idea that my consciousness just stops and I don't exist anymore is scary too. I'm such a coward. I can't commit and I can't continue living.

Well, I don't know you, but from my experience the most horrible people are usually those, who don't realize it. In my opinion the fact, that you don't want other people to feel responsible for your suicide, is actually very considered. For me, being aware of your mistakes and flaws is a good sign.
It is totally normal, that we sometimes see ourselfs as selfish when we want to do something, that could make others feel bad. And you know what? Sometimes everyone has to be a bit selfish... it is simply not possible to always please other people with your behaviour - whether it is cancelling plans with friends due to other things in your personal life, which you find important or even something drastic like commiting suicide even though others could think it's their fault.
It would only be a bad thing if your intent is to hurt other people, so only commiting suicide, because you want others to feel bad... but if you do it, because you're suicidal and just cannot take it anymore, it wouldn't make you a bad person.

Let me tell you something... in 2024 I lost my best friend to suicide. I had struggles with my mental health since my childhood, but after that event my grades got worse and worse, because I simply didn't do anything for school anymore... just couldn't get myself to study... I have one of my final exams on Wednesday and I know nothing! Yes, of course we both could have chosen to get some work done, but sometimes it is not possible when you're struggeling. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is staying in bed all day even though there are things to be done. Mental health issues have serious effects and they are a valid reason to not do something like your assignments. Of course, it affects your grades in a negative way, but when you're in such a bad place mentally, it is totally ok to just focus on surviving.

I understand why you regard yourself as a coward... (I have often thought about myself this way, because I'd be way too scared to ctb). I get it, commiting suicide requires a lot of courage. But do you know, what else takes a lot of courage? Fucking living, man! Pushing through, surviving even when you're ready to give up on life. Even if you fail school like I'm about to, you still survived another day and that's an extremely big accomplishment, although to others, who don't know what's going on inside of you, it might not look that way.

Besides that... the school system is absolutely fucked. I don't know where you're from, but it is that way in many countries. It's your decision if you ctb or not, but school is not worth it. A few years ago, I didn't believe, that I would make it to the end of my final year, but now I'm almost there. One thing I've learned is, that this hell hole is not worthy of ending my life. When I decide to do it, it should be solely because of me and not because of some stupid fucked up place.

Sending you virtual hugs!