Utter_emptiness
I hate myself
- Dec 22, 2022
- 29
I have said/typed this exact same phrase numerous times in my life yet I could never find the courage to go on with the plan. I always back down last minute and the vicious cycle continues. Life is a bitch as they say, just when you think it will cut you some slack and treat you humanly, it hits you with the biggest problem you have ever encountered, you hatch a plan to kill yourself, something stupid and a little bit hopeful and positive pops up, you procrastinate, rinse and repeat. It's the same cycle over and over till the end of time. But here is the thing, I think most people can do this thing called life, because they got good company, so whenever they reach the depth of despair, they always have the people that they can count on right beside them on their hardest times, but that's not the case for me, I have always been the opposite of a magnet for friends/family members/colleagues/classmates/nameless strangers, you name it. There is something people inherently dislike about me, and I have spent the last 21 years of my life trying to figure it out. The loneliness is killing me from the inside, though that hasn't bothered me that much a few years back, but that's because I had myself. I was depressed, alone, but still there for myself but lately I have lost touch with humanity, I feel like this ticking time bomb that will go off any minute and ruin multiple lives, my anger and trust issues are through the roof, I lost myself. My brain is dead from the years of self destructive habits. I have done the worst of the worst decisions last year that I know their consequences will creep up on me any minute. I am beyond mentally drained, I need a relief. I am so tired. I was meant to die when I was 19 and hung myself yet somehow survived that blissful night. I don't know why I keep giving my awful life more chances. I am the people's punch bag, the girl who everyone ignores in a group chat because I'm next level retarded. I am the crazy bitch with the worst dissociative rage episodes that knows deep down she is a danger to herself and society. Lately I have been feeling so bad, I think and dwell on the people who have hurt me and betrayed me and how they sucked the innocence out of me and left me all alone, loveless contemplating suicide every waking minute of every day. I am so drained, please I just want a relief from everything, I was this nightmare to be over.
The little sweet girl that I was a few years back doesn't deserve this.
I wish they can see what they have done to me and how they rendered me all broken and shattered. I crave sympathy. I crave peace. Sorry for this mess but idk where to go and it's hard to handle this heavy feeling all alone in my room. I wish I can get a terminal illness, maybe then the people who have hurt me will feel bad about me. I wish crying was deadly, i would've been dead by now because of how many tears I have spilled. Fuck me for being the biggest pussy and procrastinating the only thing that can give me peace.
The little sweet girl that I was a few years back doesn't deserve this.
I wish they can see what they have done to me and how they rendered me all broken and shattered. I crave sympathy. I crave peace. Sorry for this mess but idk where to go and it's hard to handle this heavy feeling all alone in my room. I wish I can get a terminal illness, maybe then the people who have hurt me will feel bad about me. I wish crying was deadly, i would've been dead by now because of how many tears I have spilled. Fuck me for being the biggest pussy and procrastinating the only thing that can give me peace.
