Suicide idealization frustration

[Fish_Princess]

I think im becoming depressed again, i mean i dont think it ever left, but i feel it again. I dont wanna get out of bed and this time its not necessarily like i have all these nihlistic thoughts just no motivation. No energy.

The other night i had trouble sleeping and i started getting thoughts like my life is one big mistake, and all those suicide idealization feelings. I dont wanna kill myself, but i think life would be a lot better if I was just dead.

Its just so odd now, because logically i know theres a lot of things that make me happy in life and reasons to keep living so I just tell myself that but my brain still says those things anyways once it gets a chance.

The month before this too I've been having thoughts of hurting myself. Like nothings changed. Im writing this paragraph after reading the deleted notes about feeling this way. But again its been years and even if these thoughts come back i dont, and i know i wont.

I just feel so frustrated and confused

 

[flowers in the mist]

I'm sorry to hear that those feelings seem to be coming back. That's never a nice thing to happen to anyone.
Maybe you are exhausted or burned out? But yeah depression mostly comes and goes as well.


I have similar thoughts quite often, and now I've fallen back into them more since a few years back.
I also have a lot of things in life that should make me happy and not a lot of problems in general, so I'm also a bit confused why this is all happening to me.

I hope you can handle these thoughts/feelings and that you'll feel better soon.

 

[river]

i'm in the same boat as you. i get depression episodes pretty often ever since young that have really affected my life. just spent the last couple weeks lying in bed unable to muster up the energy to do anything. its like there's voices in my head reminding me of how insufficient i am as a person, and how my existence is so insignificant that everybody in my life would be happier without me around haha. i try to talk myself out of it and remind myself that i am loved and cherished, but it's so hard to do that once you start spiralling. i attributed it to just exhaustion and burnout but even during peaceful periods in my life, i still feel this way and i don't know why haha. honestly at this point, i feel like i've just accepted that yeah, i'm gonna have to live like this for the rest of my life. almost like it's normal for a person to think about death and ways to kill themself this often. and god, ctb would be such an easy way to escape all this pain but i don't have the guts to actually go through with it.

with that being said, mental illness/depression is a bitch lol. hope you just know that you're not alone and hopefully we'll get through this. hang in there OP, sending you lots of love. <3