fox_wannabe
Enlightened
- Jul 7, 2021
- 1,112
Maybe I was doing this thing all wrong? Maybe instead of running from pain I should embrace It and absolutely get rid of fear of it?
How could I ctb If I am afraid of pain and discomforted by it?
This is not some motivational bullshit that tells you to live with pain because living here is all we do and there is no second option. I was there and It made me go back to comfort as there was no real reason why to suffer during workout or waking up in the morning or accomplishing meaningless tasks like schoolwork. Maybe If I go through with all of that I might be able to accept the pain or build tolerance for It so I can get rid of fear and successfully ctb.
If I could achieve state of such focus like those monks who can set themselves on fire and meditate I could easily get on with ctb. Now I am too weak to do this, I can only dream about It. Maybe It is time for me to jump into cold showers, wake up against my will and workout harder than ever before. This is my ticket to the bus. I will have to get rid of all things that stop me from suicide. I will dream about It, and visualize It and stand on a bucket and kick it. Or drink that salty mixture when I have to. And I will bear the pain until it is no more.
I love to self loath and feel sorry for myself, nothing bad in it. I understand It. It is just that I cannot do It while being in that state and future comes forward anyways.
How could I ctb If I am afraid of pain and discomforted by it?
This is not some motivational bullshit that tells you to live with pain because living here is all we do and there is no second option. I was there and It made me go back to comfort as there was no real reason why to suffer during workout or waking up in the morning or accomplishing meaningless tasks like schoolwork. Maybe If I go through with all of that I might be able to accept the pain or build tolerance for It so I can get rid of fear and successfully ctb.
If I could achieve state of such focus like those monks who can set themselves on fire and meditate I could easily get on with ctb. Now I am too weak to do this, I can only dream about It. Maybe It is time for me to jump into cold showers, wake up against my will and workout harder than ever before. This is my ticket to the bus. I will have to get rid of all things that stop me from suicide. I will dream about It, and visualize It and stand on a bucket and kick it. Or drink that salty mixture when I have to. And I will bear the pain until it is no more.
I love to self loath and feel sorry for myself, nothing bad in it. I understand It. It is just that I cannot do It while being in that state and future comes forward anyways.
