suicide as self-preservation?

[nowherelilies]

anyone else see suicide as the only way to really protect yourself?

i don't know if this makes sense but i started having active SI & fully planning when i realized this is really the only aspect of my life i can control. i cannot control how other people will hurt me – because they always do, just different identities, in varying forms – but i can always control how to protect myself from future harm.

i think my 'final' trigger was when the last person i trusted (who also knew of all my previous trauma beforehand) ended up cheating on me and using said traumas against me. it really felt like it was just full circle again, like i was stuck in that same hurtful loop i tried to crawl out of before.

i just don't want to face all that hurt again in the future. maybe there really is something wrong with me because i tried to be kind and i never asked for too much but people still end up doing horrible things to me. it's like i'm preprogrammed to receive all this hurt, and be obligated to claw my way out of it, only to face even more hurt in the future. i just don't want any part of it anymore. i want to save myself and control the only thing i can really control – which is ending my life.

 

[telekon]

people are assholes, never trust a people

 

[that_miqo'te]

Yeah I get it, I feel like the only way I can be safe for the first time is to die

 

[badatparties]

Of course, to prevent future harm, depression, loneliness, disease, etc.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely see suicide as a way of sparing myself a penniless retirement, old age, likely illness and a possibly prolonged natural death.

In another way though, I kind of wish I had been able to do it years ago- before I became so bitter and full of resentment. In a way, dieing at that pount would have preserved a nicer version of me for people.

It's like I've hung on for their sake but, I've become more cold towards them for doing so. It's exhausting living with so much anger while trying not to show it.

 

[jenson]

Its a little messed up but I see suicide as the ultimate affirmation of control of one's self and body. I mean the right to determine whether you live or die is such a weird yet empowering thing. You aren't taking the life of another so you aren't a terrible person for it yet somehow it can have a more powerful effect on others than just dying due to other causes. You are able to just say that I'm done with it all. There's something almost poetic about it. Sorry for the weird little rant.

 

[nowherelilies]

I definitely see suicide as a way of sparing myself a penniless retirement, old age, likely illness and a possibly prolonged natural death.

In another way though, I kind of wish I had been able to do it years ago- before I became so bitter and full of resentment. In a way, dieing at that pount would have preserved a nicer version of me for people.

It's like I've hung on for their sake but, I've become more cold towards them for doing so. It's exhausting living with so much anger while trying not to show it.

this is how i've been recently. i feel like i've been so resentful & harsh (especially towards my previous coworkers before i resigned) and so full of hatred for having to tolerate this life. i don't want to hurt even more strangers just because i'm livid & done with the fact that i still have to live despite not wanting to.

 

[dollangel]

yeah, definitely. it sometimes feels like the only method I have of ripping back agency for myself when otherwise I have none. suffering is inevitable, and no matter what I do I can't seem to prevent it, but this, at least, has absolute certainty.

 

[bonnieps>]

I definitely see suicide as a way of sparing myself a penniless retirement, old age, likely illness and a possibly prolonged natural death.

In another way though, I kind of wish I had been able to do it years ago- before I became so bitter and full of resentment. In a way, dieing at that pount would have preserved a nicer version of me for people.

It's like I've hung on for their sake but, I've become more cold towards them for doing so. It's exhausting living with so much anger while trying not to show it.

god exactly

 

[white_car]

Excellent observation. Yes, totally agree!

 

[Eriktf]

i think my 'final' trigger was when the last person i trusted (who also knew of all my previous trauma beforehand) ended up cheating on me and using said traumas against me.

thats so fucked up to do, i would drop all contact with that person so fast