Venting Suicide and Grief

[homesoon.]

The holidays remind me just how unhealed I am. Without going intp explicit detail, the holidays remind me how I am not okay—the anxiety, fear, panic, depression, emptiness, anger, rage, dissociation, numbness, exhaustion, regret, hurt, pain—I think, I could continue with hundreds of verbs and nouns and adjectives. Everytime I get intoxicated, I feel the filter is removed from my thoughts. I wish you could use SN when drunk; it would make things so much easier. The way I know it would be easy to be drunk and have a gun, and that's the exact reason I don't allow myself to have a gun while being suicidal; watching out for others when your own SI is fighting to be enough. How do you deal with SI? Grief? Knowing the difference between your own thoughts and self destruction. Knowing you should be grateful but still unhappy because you're an empty shell that nothing can fill? I wish Sylvia Plath was alive still. She would understand.