Suicidal thoughts and plan

[stoopid]

I had a few gruesome days again, I feel so sad inside, I was attending some school for higher education today (it distract me from horrific thoughts) but I can't concentrate - I mean I literally sitting in class and have the urge to cry. Every Day. The few things that kept me going aren't available the most time. It makes me so sad, it kills me from the inside. I think the most of the day about suicide.

I got some metoclopramid recently and ordered some SN, I tried to get some clonazolam to knock me out before the SN works, but I just found Xanax and overpriced Diazepam on the darknet, I hope I get some cheaper ones somewhere, but I have still a bit time I guess.

For my last resort If I can't get Benzos I have some mirtazipine, it supports sleep and I think it's better than nothing.

I'm so happy if the SN arrives can't wait to leave this fucking disgusting place, I suffer from severe sadness daily, I wish I could see blood to cut my throat, but the thoughts make me want to vomit.

Can anyone relate to liking someone, but get too attached, because you never got any kind of parental love and they don't understand you that if someone cared that it takes place in your heart ? And then you get discarded, getting zero attention or love as a kid and then get obsessed if anyone shows 0,01% kindness. I'm disgusting, I didn't wanted to annoy this person or mean it in any bad way, I've tried my best and wanted to be liked by this person, but in the end I was too much, too much stress.

Thats just one of the reasons but this kills me from inside daily. I'm so emotional in general I just can't take it anymore.

If you have any words or thoughts, just write

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I know what you mean about feeling sad and miserable every day, and not being able to concentrate because of it. I'm sorry that it didn't go well when you tried to become that person's friend. Maybe they just have some of their own issues they're dealing with and it makes them get stressed easily, so it might not even be something you did wrong.

I do wonder if you're being too hard on yourself about this, but I beat myself up over things all the time, so I can't give any advice on how to not do that. Hopefully you get your SN soon, but if you decide not to use it right away after all, then you can just hang onto it. I've had mine for a while, but will probably be using it soon. It's really nice to have it as a backup.

 

[redbathingduck]

Can anyone relate to liking someone, but get too attached, because you never got any kind of parental love and they don't understand you that if someone cared that it takes place in your heart ? And then you get discarded, getting zero attention or love as a kid and then get obsessed if anyone shows 0,01% kindness. I'm disgusting, I didn't wanted to annoy this person or mean it in any bad way, I've tried my best and wanted to be liked by this person, but in the end I was too much, too much stress.

I can definitely relate to getting easily attached and liking people a lot, but it's pretty much never a mutual thing. I did have 'some' parental love in the form of my mother but even then it's complicated. I start liking people really easily but it never really means much to other people as it means to me it seems. I always end up getting cast away. It's embarrassing to say but the first time I got admitted to a psych ward I got really attached to some of the nurses/workers there because they were being nice to me and I didn't really have anything like that at all at home, but obviously those people are just doing their jobs and are (trying to be) nice to everyone there. Once I was able to go home it was hard to deal with the realisation that those people didn't really care for me at all. It's often the same with classmates or colleagues. I have kinda just given up on making any meaningful connections because I don't really feel like people can like me in any way anymore. It sucks and I'm lonely but it helped a bit with the attachment/obsessive issues I had. Sometimes, at least.

 

[stoopid]

Update: my sn finally arrived
Im happy af yaaasss, I was too late to get my meto because there pharmacies were already closed going tomorrow