owano
surviving day by day (albeit barely)
- Oct 18, 2023
- 23
I feel like I could just end my life any day now. Yesterday was so rough mentally that, if it weren't for a personal obligation, I'd have ended it right then and there.
My parents are actually picking up on the fact I'm struggling which is genuinely a first. I'm not too concerned though. Anytime I lie and say everything is normal before it's worked, even when I had an ex tell my mom about my suicidality or the mere fact I was suffering w an ed and was clearly underweight. They ask and I say "no I'm fine" or "no I'm not anorexic" and it just got forgotten about lol. It's devastatingly funny. Like a punch in the gut? That was three years ago and yet again I'm suffering in this hell hole.
I just wish this could all end. Or at least be entertaining while I'm still here. Like the aspect of gambling my life, whether another sui attempt will do it this time, is intruiging. I just want to do destructive behaviors for the fun of it, to fill the void in my life. And if I die then it's a win there too. I just want to starve myself like i used to, cut as deep as i used to without a care, and if i hit an artery this time ill let it run its course (i wasnt intending to die when i had accidentally knicked it). I want to do risky shit (even tho theres nothing in that regard i can really do besides try to kill myself lmao). Im so exhausted from everyday being the same old shit and im here years later still fucking suffering while nobody else even bats an eye. Everyone seems to be so entitled and it's so fucking irratating. I dont even know how people even obtain such levels of self-obsession, where its all about /them/ and what /they/ gain and /them/ getting what they want.
My parents are actually picking up on the fact I'm struggling which is genuinely a first. I'm not too concerned though. Anytime I lie and say everything is normal before it's worked, even when I had an ex tell my mom about my suicidality or the mere fact I was suffering w an ed and was clearly underweight. They ask and I say "no I'm fine" or "no I'm not anorexic" and it just got forgotten about lol. It's devastatingly funny. Like a punch in the gut? That was three years ago and yet again I'm suffering in this hell hole.
I just wish this could all end. Or at least be entertaining while I'm still here. Like the aspect of gambling my life, whether another sui attempt will do it this time, is intruiging. I just want to do destructive behaviors for the fun of it, to fill the void in my life. And if I die then it's a win there too. I just want to starve myself like i used to, cut as deep as i used to without a care, and if i hit an artery this time ill let it run its course (i wasnt intending to die when i had accidentally knicked it). I want to do risky shit (even tho theres nothing in that regard i can really do besides try to kill myself lmao). Im so exhausted from everyday being the same old shit and im here years later still fucking suffering while nobody else even bats an eye. Everyone seems to be so entitled and it's so fucking irratating. I dont even know how people even obtain such levels of self-obsession, where its all about /them/ and what /they/ gain and /them/ getting what they want.
