Story "Suicidal people don't want to end their life, they want to end their pain"

[watereyes]

Hello,
Now I'm lost. So you might have heard this quote and it may apply to you? Well it doesn't to me. It's been on my mind for so long. I do not want to end my pain, but my life. And I wouldn't live even a 'happy' one. Don't get me wrong I've had happy-ish moments in my life but even then I wanted to ctb so much. This way of thinking is uncommon so I kept a diary and yeah; I was happy but the thing I wanted the most was a quick death 'now'.

Life disgusts me. I do not want to keep going. It's horrible when I wake up in the morning and look at myself and well -if that makes sense- 'feeling' that I'm alive is just so horrible. It's like when you start your old car for the 10000th time to go to work, that kinda feeling. I'm so much better off when I'm sleeping. Being alive just makes me go 'ew'

I feel disrespectful. There are people here who have been through abuse and physical illness among a billion other things and here I am complaining like a kid. Life is not easy for me nor is it for anyone bu some people keep going despite being disadvantaged. If only I could give my healthy body to someone who deserves it.

To an extent it feels off to ctb, but it definitely feels wrong to live. And I just can't deal with this.

All I'm asking for is some insight. I'm not intelligent, I know it. I can't figure this out myself.



I apologize if my english sounds like it was written by a third grader. I'm really not good with words.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

I can agree with you about that. I want to end my life, pain is less important here. At some point, life sucks.

 

[plough22]

@watereyes whatever makes you want to end is your reason, mine is pain, my mind is playing tricks, all I want is PEACE. I'd take a pill and end it. I wish we had the decision to take a pill, wish decision was ours. We need to go to extremes to end it, to find peace. Whatever brought you here, I hope you find it

 

[Supersnakes444]

@watereyes whatever makes you want to end I'd your reason, mine is pain, my mind is playing tricks, all I want is PEACE. I'd take a pill and end it. I wish we had the decision to take a pill, wish decision was ours. We need to go to extremes to end it, to find peace. Whatever brought you here, I hope you find it

I couldn't agree more. I feel myself in the exact same position, and living with these ups and downs is taking it's toll. I wonder what it'd be like to live in absolute peace. Must be nice. I hope you have a good day today by the way. Even though we've never met, reading your comment makes me feel less alone. Cheers from Canada.

 

[lostangel]

Hello,
Now I'm lost. So you might have heard this quote and it may apply to you? Well it doesn't to me. It's been on my mind for so long. I do not want to end my pain, but my life. And I wouldn't live even a 'happy' one. Don't get me wrong I've had happy-ish moments in my life but even then I wanted to ctb so much. This way of thinking is uncommon so I kept a diary and yeah; I was happy but the thing I wanted the most was a quick death 'now'.

Life disgusts me. I do not want to keep going. It's horrible when I wake up in the morning and look at myself and well -if that makes sense- 'feeling' that I'm alive is just so horrible. It's like when you start your old car for the 10000th time to go to work, that kinda feeling. I'm so much better off when I'm sleeping. Being alive just makes me go 'ew'

I feel disrespectful. There are people here who have been through abuse and physical illness among a billion other things and here I am complaining like a kid. Life is not easy for me nor is it for anyone bu some people keep going despite being disadvantaged. If only I could give my healthy body to someone who deserves it.

To an extent it feels off to ctb, but it definitely feels wrong to live. And I just can't deal with this.

All I'm asking for is some insight. I'm not intelligent, I know it. I can't figure this out myself.



I apologize if my english sounds like it was written by a third grader. I'm really not good with words.

That quote doesn't apply to me. There was a time where I wasn't experiencing any emotional pain. I still wanted to die because I knew the pain would come back and it did come back.

 

[watereyes]

That quote doesn't apply to me. There was a time where I wasn't experiencing any emotional pain. I still wanted to die because I knew the pain would come back and it did come back.

yep, same here.. theres just no way around it, the default state is being in pain. :(

 

[strand]

The quote does apply to me most of the time. But I understand what you mean. Living is painfully exhausting, your car analogy was 10/10 spot on, there isn't a better way to describe this. Even if people choose to live despite everything, I'm not sure if that feeling will change, I haven't been able to tell. So, I suppose it's up to what you decide or what your circumstances might decide for you. It might feel disrespectful especially if you take into account others' different reasons for living but at the end of the day, living is personal. Personally I've made my own decision for now, but I'm aware of what that entails, it can be viewed differently by many perspectives, but it is what it is for me. This is not groundbreaking insight either, I guess I'm trying to say that it's all relative.

 

[GravityUtilizer]

Sounds like something of an existential crisis, a bit like the protagonist's in Sartre's Nausea (highly recommended).

 

[selfhater]

my life and being me with this body is the actual pain i wanna get rid off so it's not like two separated thing "pain and life"

 

[FriendofDeath]

Do you think there are people that just don't fit this earth plane? I have met some very intelligent people experiencing extreme difficulties because society just doesn't know how to handle them. One guy spoke 5 languages fluently, was brilliant but couldn't sit in a classroom to earn a piece of paper. Then there are empaths that pick up the pain and sadness around them. I put myself in this category. I have my own demons to face, but I often found myself with tears in my eyes in my past job, suffering from anxiety worrying about students I worked with. I was very good at asking questions as well as honest and trustworthy.

 

[watereyes]

Do you think there are people that just don't fit this earth plane? I have met some very intelligent people experiencing extreme difficulties because society just doesn't know how to handle them. One guy spoke 5 languages fluently, was brilliant but couldn't sit in a classroom to earn a piece of paper. Then there are empaths that pick up the pain and sadness around them. I put myself in this category. I have my own demons to face, but I often found myself with tears in my eyes in my past job, suffering from anxiety worrying about students I worked with. I was very good at asking questions as well as honest and trustworthy.

I don't know if knowledge = intelligence. I speak 4 languages (yeah, I'm bragging) and I actually do stuff, I don't just sit on my ass complaining. I have potential in things that society doesnt want. In any case it doesnt matter how well I learn things that I find interesting. If it isn't what people expect from me it's useless. So yeah, I could just blame 'society' but I think it's the easy way out. I think I just can't figure out how to live.

 

[FriendofDeath]

I actually think that's what I was trying to say, but your words are better. Can't figure out how to live (within the contexts of this society). This guy rode a motorcycle across country, did odd jobs and had a number of run-ins with the law.

PS: Curious - do you dream in different languages?

 

[watereyes]

I actually think that's what I was trying to say, but your words are better. Can't figure out how to live (within the contexts of this society). This guy rode a motorcycle across country, did odd jobs and had a number of run-ins with the law.

PS: Curious - do you dream in different languages?

Yes. I live in France so my main language is french. But since I spend most of my time on the internet I use english most of the time. I know I make mistakes, but still, I think and dream in english. I speak french like 10 minutes a day which makes it much harder to express my feelings. So I prefer to stick with english.

 

[rhiino]

There are people that just don't fit this society. I feel the same. I pick up all those problems around the world and I cannot understand why people don't change anything. It drives me crazy and devastates me. I have always been »special«, too intelligent to be understood, to empathic to not be chewed up and spit out by this world. I always hated this world and the society for the bad things that happen.
I now want to end my life because of the pain, but I also do not want to be healthy, I do not want to live in this world no matter how I feel. I just don't fit.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Life is inherently full of suffering. It is indeed the default. When things are good, they will inevitably end, and that too is suffering. People who can keep going usually have found or been given reasons to. Doesn't sound like you have any reason to.

Just being rational about this. Not encouraging ctb nor going on, but saying that I comprehend where you're coming from and I don't negate it. I consider it valid.

 

[SpottedPanda]

My life isn't really full of pain, just mild awkwardness and some light psychological discomfort.

From the outside looking in, my early death might look like the most pointless occurrence.

I'm basically wanting to end my life, because I'm bored of it. It's a sort of childish reasoning, but arrived at through a long process of mature contemplation.

 

[TAW122]

Yes, I heard that quote many times, even in the dreadful, r/SW subreddit on reddit. My take on this quote is that it is not accurate to describe "ALL" suicidal people. Sure, there are suicidal people out there in the world that just want the pain to stop and then they would be on the road to recovery. As for the people who are just tired of life and figured out that life is meaningless, and that even with many more pleasurable moments later in life, it doesn't make up for the majority of shitty existence.

In reality, I guess you could say that if I had what I wanted (including fulfilling all my dreams, hobbies, fantasies, you name it, etc.), ultimately, I'd still wish to die at the very end because mortality will catch up to me. Now that isn't a realistic scenario, but rather an extreme one I brought out to illustrate my point. As of now, while I have my needs met (for the current, present time being), I'm still miserable as always due to the things in my life going about. Sure, while there are people who are objectively worse off than I am, it doesn't discount my own suffering and the life that I'm living now. My suffering is valid to me and me alone, just as much as others' suffering is valid to them. No one should discount nor dismiss another's suffering as trivial because everyone is different in their tolerances and the lives they live.

 

[ERASED]

Life to me is a waste and yes i been through more shitty situations then good but I've never enjoyed being alive. Just seems like a waste of time to me. Just can't vibe with the people or the way society views things. But at least I'm seeing a revolution with the BLM/I Can't Breathe movement. I just hope it's real change. For my kids sake.

 

[Thirdtimesthecharm]

I hate when people say that cause it's just a big circle jerk of people who aren't depressed and dont know what it feels like trying to look virtuous. They don't seem to understand that life and pain are the same thing.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

That quote does not apply to me at all.

My problem extends beyond the pain and suffering I experience. Life and existence itself is the issue. I do not want happiness, joy, peace, etc. -- that would not make life worth living. I want nothingness.

 

[Shinbu]

It's tiring of having to satisfy my needs so I understand. Happiness is short lived that's my experience. The human psyche, and body is bothersome. I feel boredom is inevitable, we always want more for some reason thus we get bored. I want to escape that. There is never eternal peace in the human psyche. I refuse to submit myself to existence more longer, I don't want fate to pick how I die. I want to control my death, and I don't want to become old. I been through abuse from others, I don't find you disrespectful. This sentence is off topic, but fuck skin disorders!.

 

[SpottedPanda]

Also off topic, but fuck skin disorders!.

Yeah!

 

[rhiino]

My suffering is valid to me and me alone, just as much as others' suffering is valid to them. No one should discount nor dismiss another's suffering as trivial because everyone is different in their tolerances and the lives they live.

Wise words. So many people come along and want to tell you how others have it worse, how they would keep going and trying. Fuck this! I am not them and I choose when it is enough. Some people might keep going and some people might have killed themselves already going through the shit I have been through, but I am done at this exact moment.
The problem is that suicidal people don't have a lobby, as they are either dead or too weak to fight for anything.

 

[whitelacedress]

I dont want to end the pain, I dont feel pain, I just feel incompetent for life.

 

[Green Destiny]

I believe people should have the choice as to when they wish for their life to end. Be it for physical ailments or mental reasons. I wan't to CTB for a different amount of reasons, my body's going to fall apart eventually, I lack the mental capacity to survive in this world and said world is a terrible awful place to exist in and I wan't no part of it.

 

[Krash1990]

This quote applies to everyone. You don't think it does because you haven't been with out "pain".

Not even 1% of people who want to CRB would want to if their demands/wishes were true.

If you could get rid of every flawed trait, be rich, and not have to worry about the pain coming back, you would not want to CTB.

Everyone saying they would still want to are simply blinded due to the immense depression, anxiety, and fear of the future.

Everyone has things that would prevent them from CTB if it were possible.

How many of any of you "believes" they'd catch the bus if they had a time machine, unlimited money, and a cure for all ailments mental and physical? No one.

 

[dysfunctional]

It's one and the same for me. The only way to end my pain may be to end my life.

 

[FriendofDeath]

This quote applies to everyone. You don't think it does because you haven't been with out "pain".

Not even 1% of people who want to CRB would want to if their demands/wishes were true.

If you could get rid of every flawed trait, be rich, and not have to worry about the pain coming back, you would not want to CTB.

Everyone saying they would still want to are simply blinded due to the immense depression, anxiety, and fear of the future.

Everyone has things that would prevent them from CTB if it were possible.

How many of any of you "believes" they'd catch the bus if they had a time machine, unlimited money, and a cure for all ailments mental and physical? No one.

Do you think boredom would ever kick in?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

@thrw_a_way1221221 I agree about r/suicidewatch. I've posted there before and have only heard the same shitty platitudes that I would hear irl. I don't know what I expected lol.

I really do want to end my life. There's no reason for me to be here. I suppose you could look at my stupid job and say "But you help other suicidal people"...but in reality it's an entry level job that anyone could do. I've hated life for as long as I can remember. Even when I worked hard to change myself and my circumstances...

Recently my parents have asked me about my goals or dreams since I graduated last year and dropped the big opportunity that I had. I felt so stupid admitting that I have none. I don't want to do anything. Life is just a huge strain and it's not worth it to me. I've never really wanted to do anything in life. Just been going thru the motions, hoping that "fake it til ya make it" would work and I'd find a passion. I really, really tried to explore options and pushed myself so hard. But nope. Still stuck.

I think it's anhedonia, to be honest. Anhedonia is awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Regardless of the reason, I will likely be homeless by the end of the year. I have nowhere to go and I literally cannot afford to move out because my job pays so little. My parents want me to be making progress - and this sounds horribly dramatic, but it makes me so upset and I just feel even more worthless. I feel like it's too much to expect from me.

I really wish I was brave enough to book a hotel somewhere and just bloody kill myself already. I have what I need, what the hell is the hold-up? It makes me feel even worse because it's just another thing I can't commit to.

This turned into an awful rant. I'm sorry.

 

[watereyes]

This quote applies to everyone. You don't think it does because you haven't been with out "pain".

Not even 1% of people who want to CRB would want to if their demands/wishes were true.

If you could get rid of every flawed trait, be rich, and not have to worry about the pain coming back, you would not want to CTB.

Everyone saying they would still want to are simply blinded due to the immense depression, anxiety, and fear of the future.

Everyone has things that would prevent them from CTB if it were possible.

How many of any of you "believes" they'd catch the bus if they had a time machine, unlimited money, and a cure for all ailments mental and physical? No one.

Let me disagree. It's reasonable to think that I'm 'blinded' by depression. Calling a state of mind a disorder or a disease creates apathy towards it. They could call me depressed because I got SN and did the bloodtest and all, have had past attempts with other methods, etc. The truth is, I'm not depressed. I get up in the morning and do stuff I enjoy doing (not consuming.) Still, I havent been given a reason to live, or made one up. When I had happier times in my life I've kept a diary, and stated that I still 100% wanted to ctb. To me suicidality and actual depression are two separate things.