I constantly go over methods in an ocd type manner measuring every little thing. Then afterwards I start worrying about what comes after death and come here to read threads about other people worrying about the same thing. This has been going on non stop for about 2 years.
Worrying about methods—> worry about death—>religion and it's outlook on afterlife—>peace for a week—> repeat non stop
I honestly don't know how to stop. I'm too scared to do it unfortunately and am in this vicious cycle of endless contemplation and worry. Sometimes I envy impulsive people because they are so quick to do it in the aftereffect of whatever happened to them. And here is me carefully planning out everything and then still not actually doing anything. The cruel thing is nothing will ever help me but ctb and I have known that for over 2 years. But I still have the stupid hope that things will get better. And they never do, they only get worse. And the worst thing is, I see my parents suffer because of my condition and I just want to stop seeing that. I hope that whatever there is after death is without feeling, thinking or contemplating. Just nothing. Although I do understand the possibilities of something much more complicated which worries me to this day. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to just quickly pull the plug so that everyone is shocked a bit and then they can start recovering after my death. Maybe that's better than slowly suffering as you see your suicidal son every day. I don't know.
Worrying about methods—> worry about death—>religion and it's outlook on afterlife—>peace for a week—> repeat non stop
I honestly don't know how to stop. I'm too scared to do it unfortunately and am in this vicious cycle of endless contemplation and worry. Sometimes I envy impulsive people because they are so quick to do it in the aftereffect of whatever happened to them. And here is me carefully planning out everything and then still not actually doing anything. The cruel thing is nothing will ever help me but ctb and I have known that for over 2 years. But I still have the stupid hope that things will get better. And they never do, they only get worse. And the worst thing is, I see my parents suffer because of my condition and I just want to stop seeing that. I hope that whatever there is after death is without feeling, thinking or contemplating. Just nothing. Although I do understand the possibilities of something much more complicated which worries me to this day. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to just quickly pull the plug so that everyone is shocked a bit and then they can start recovering after my death. Maybe that's better than slowly suffering as you see your suicidal son every day. I don't know.
