Help Suicidal in a new relationship

[nevernotsleepy]

I have struggled with suicidal ideation pretty much my whole life. Suicide is on my mind constantly. I've tried to recover in the past. I just started dating this girl (~1 month now), she's perfect, but she has no clue I am suicidal and I am terrified of ever telling her. I've had panic attacks in front of her, sobbed in front of her, told her about my homophobic family (that would kick me out of the house and stop paying for my school if they found out about me and her) and she takes it all so well. The past couple weeks my mental health has tanked, I've started self harming again, and I can't keep food down, I am very depressed. All day today I struggled to text her back because I felt so guilty about being so depressed and her having no idea. Now I'm wondering, do I break up with her or tell her I'm suicidal and risk her 1) being scared off 2) telling my family 3) feeling like she has to stay with me out of guilt/for my sake. I feel like my mental health has reached a point where I am being a bad girlfriend and she deserves better. I don't think she understands the baggage I come with and to put that on anyone feels wrong to me. I think I owe it to her to break up with her, but we're so happy. We haven't been able to see eachother irl in a few weeks and she texts me she misses me, she showers me in compliments, she talks about the Christmas gift she got me. I get to see her irl again in a few days. I am kind of dreading it because I think she will catch on to me being upset. Is it reasonable to break up with someone because my mental health is so in the toilet? If I do should I be honest and tell her I can't be in a relationship right now because I am too depressed or lie to her? I'm so lost.

 

[ShesPunishedForever]

If you're thinking of breaking up with her but also scared of her leaving/scaring her off when you tell her, then why not just tell her your feelings anyways. You could tell her you have been really struggling with things lately and finding it hard to take care of yourself and to be responsive and thats why you find it hard to text her. Maybe try convey it plainly and as calm as you can. You say you don't think she would understand the baggage you come with, but it sounds like you haven't explained these things much so how could she understand, maybe she will understand if you do. If you like being with her and want to have a future with her you should probably communicate openly, if you don't communicate you can't know how much of this is in your head and that might make it hard for you two to have a healthy relationship.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum!

If both of you really love each other you will find a way to deal with the obstacles. But the major question is why are you suicidal? R there external circumstances that are triggering your suicidality? Do you receive treatment?

Maybe - a strong relationship would be sth that helps you but that also means you would have to be open about everything.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Agree with @ShesPunishedForever

It's best to communicate these things. Most people struggle with their mental health on some level. She might herself, who knows.

I hope it goes well, all the best!

Keep us updated

 

[porororo]

I'm the same I'm dating a guy and he struggles with his mental health a lot so the other day he told me that it's really distressing so he doesn't want to talk about it and like I know it's hard I guess it was safe to talk about since I'm dumb I know it's triggering for him but I just felt so shitty about the reaction I got and I don't know how to tell him it's best he leaves now before I kms