Suffering is too much

[Kornyboyo]

Hello everyone,

My brain has been severely damaged by the hands of Big Pharma. I'm not going to go into detail but let's just say what I am experiencing is beyond what a human being can handle. I have fought hard the past couple of years but I am not getting any better. I have kept myself alive so far because of my family but I have reached the point of desperation. I was never suicidal before the psychiatric drugs damaged my brain. If you are suffering out there and not knowing why, the drugs you are taking could be the problem. There are many support forums out there with help on tapering. I came off cold turkey not knowing any better and I am suffering beyond words years later. Don't freak out but consider what drugs you are taking and if they could be contributing to your suffering.

I have decided to do partial hanging. I have read everything about it and think its the best way to go. Jumping terrifies me. I can't order anything online like SN or N. I have a finger width size rope and access to a forest area. For those familiar with partial hanging do you have any advice? I know everyone is different but is there anything that made the attempts easier or work better. I watched the video of the girl experimenting with partial hanging and I have faith that will work for me. Do I need to stand up like she did or just continue hanging there.

No one knows what actually happens after we die, however I like to believe that there is something on the other side. I am familiar with spirutal practices and astral projection which points to something else. It could be a manifestation of our brains or something real. I beleive there is a higher power and a God (something created us). I don't beleive in a hell. I beleive life on earth is hell for some people. What I am experiencing mentally and physically is like living in purgatory. Waking up to the same torment every single day. Trapped in a never ending loop. It's like those black mirror episodes but instead of fiction I am living it daily.


This post is pretty much getting my thoughts out there. Feel free to chime in if you have any comments.

Love
Also what kind of knot should I tie to the tree and how high? I'm 6 feet tall.

 

[itsmeagain]

Hello everyone,

My brain has been severely damaged by the hands of Big Pharma. I'm not going to go into detail but let's just say what I am experiencing is beyond what a human being can handle. I have fought hard the past couple of years but I am not getting any better. I have kept myself alive so far because of my family but I have reached the point of desperation. I was never suicidal before the psychiatric drugs damaged my brain. If you are suffering out there and not knowing why, the drugs you are taking could be the problem. There are many support forums out there with help on tapering. I came off cold turkey not knowing any better and I am suffering beyond words years later. Don't freak out but consider what drugs you are taking and if they could be contributing to your suffering.

I have decided to do partial hanging. I have read everything about it and think its the best way to go. Jumping terrifies me. I can't order anything online like SN or N. I have a finger width size rope and access to a forest area. For those familiar with partial hanging do you have any advice? I know everyone is different but is there anything that made the attempts easier or work better. I watched the video of the girl experimenting with partial hanging and I have faith that will work for me. Do I need to stand up like she did or just continue hanging there.

No one knows what actually happens after we die, however I like to believe that there is something on the other side. I am familiar with spirutal practices and astral projection which points to something else. It could be a manifestation of our brains or something real. I beleive there is a higher power and a God (something created us). I don't beleive in a hell. I beleive life on earth is hell for some people. What I am experiencing mentally and physically is like living in purgatory. Waking up to the same torment every single day. Trapped in a never ending loop. It's like those black mirror episodes but instead of fiction I am living it daily.


This post is pretty much getting my thoughts out there. Feel free to chime in if you have any comments.

Love
Also what kind of knot should I tie to the tree and how high? I'm 6 feet tall.

I am worried why you can't get SN? It's practically on Amazon (it is) for you to order.

 

[Esc9434]

First off, what drugs were you on...

Maybe we can get you to detox and on alternative medicine.

 

[Nem]

Hello everyone,

My brain has been severely damaged by the hands of Big Pharma. I'm not going to go into detail but let's just say what I am experiencing is beyond what a human being can handle. I have fought hard the past couple of years but I am not getting any better. I have kept myself alive so far because of my family but I have reached the point of desperation. I was never suicidal before the psychiatric drugs damaged my brain. If you are suffering out there and not knowing why, the drugs you are taking could be the problem. There are many support forums out there with help on tapering. I came off cold turkey not knowing any better and I am suffering beyond words years later. Don't freak out but consider what drugs you are taking and if they could be contributing to your suffering.

I have decided to do partial hanging. I have read everything about it and think its the best way to go. Jumping terrifies me. I can't order anything online like SN or N. I have a finger width size rope and access to a forest area. For those familiar with partial hanging do you have any advice? I know everyone is different but is there anything that made the attempts easier or work better. I watched the video of the girl experimenting with partial hanging and I have faith that will work for me. Do I need to stand up like she did or just continue hanging there.

No one knows what actually happens after we die, however I like to believe that there is something on the other side. I am familiar with spirutal practices and astral projection which points to something else. It could be a manifestation of our brains or something real. I beleive there is a higher power and a God (something created us). I don't beleive in a hell. I beleive life on earth is hell for some people. What I am experiencing mentally and physically is like living in purgatory. Waking up to the same torment every single day. Trapped in a never ending loop. It's like those black mirror episodes but instead of fiction I am living it daily.


This post is pretty much getting my thoughts out there. Feel free to chime in if you have any comments.

Love
Also what kind of knot should I tie to the tree and how high? I'm 6 feet tall.

Sorry to hear what happened. I'm in the exact same condition due to big pharma, drs suck ass I swear and I'm fucked over badly as well
Peace/hugs

 

[Melkus2020]

Sorry

 

[Kornyboyo]

I am worried why you can't get SN? It's practically on Amazon (it is) for you to order.

Can't order anything to my house. I'm on watch.

First off, what drugs were you on...

Maybe we can get you to detox and on alternative medicine.

Benzos and SSRIs. There is no cure.

 

[itsmeagain]

Can't order anything to my house. I'm on watch.


Benzos and SSRIs. There is no cure.

I have a friend who was on that kind of medication and felt a lot better when they were off. Perhaps I can show him this post? I'll see what I can do.

 

[Flippy]

Hey there kornyboyo would you be willing to share a bit more about yourself? Why were you prescribed SSRIs? I know it's usually for depression but there are a few other reasons they are prescribed too. If you would be more comfortable talking in private then feel free to PM me. I just quit sertraline about 5 weeks ago, (I'm not necessarily recommending others do the same without consulting a doctor fyi). I found for me that the horrendous anxiety and suicidal urges started to fade in pretty short order. I had felt mostly that way off and on for the last 12 months or so in particular. I was getting episodes of better moods but much more quickly than usual, the depression hit hard as did the anxiety. How long has it been since you quit your SSRI meds? It can take time for them to get out of your system, however in my case I think the half-life of my meds was much shorter than most. It may take longer for your particular med to get out of your system.

Did you only start feeling worse symptoms after taking the SSRI meds? Have you informed your doctor about your worsening mood? In my case I went to a psychiatrist after starting to feel what I would describe as mild depression, I was given a SSRI to augment a mood stabilizer and that's when I started getting seriously bad anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I should have immediately insisted on trying a different med but I stuck with it, but I was given a new SSRI (sertraline) by a new, let's call him a quack. That's when things seriously got bad for me, I have never had such terrible low moods and anxiety at such a rapid pace. I feel much more like myself now. This may be a bit long winded but some people feel absolutely dreadful on SSRI meds. I would urge you to give it some time before you resort to CTB. There are plenty of people on these forums who will be there for you and will listen. I think this forum has probably saved my life! My own opinion is that SSRIs are absolutely terrible meds to give to some people, it sounds like you might be one of them but there is still a good chance that you might feel better soon! Don't loose hope :-)

 

[Kornyboyo]

Hey there kornyboyo would you be willing to share a bit more about yourself? Why were you prescribed SSRIs? I know it's usually for depression but there are a few other reasons they are prescribed too. If you would be more comfortable talking in private then feel free to PM me. I just quit sertraline about 5 weeks ago, (I'm not necessarily recommending others do the same without consulting a doctor fyi). I found for me that the horrendous anxiety and suicidal urges started to fade in pretty short order. I had felt mostly that way off and on for the last 12 months or so in particular. I was getting episodes of better moods but much more quickly than usual, the depression hit hard as did the anxiety. How long has it been since you quit your SSRI meds? It can take time for them to get out of your system, however in my case I think the half-life of my meds was much shorter than most. It may take longer for your particular med to get out of your system.

Did you only start feeling worse symptoms after taking the SSRI meds? Have you informed your doctor about your worsening mood? In my case I went to a psychiatrist after starting to feel what I would describe as mild depression, I was given a SSRI to augment a mood stabilizer and that's when I started getting seriously bad anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I should have immediately insisted on trying a different med but I stuck with it, but I was given a new SSRI (sertraline) by a new, let's call him a quack. That's when things seriously got bad for me, I have never had such terrible low moods and anxiety at such a rapid pace. I feel much more like myself now. This may be a bit long winded but some people feel absolutely dreadful on SSRI meds. I would urge you to give it some time before you resort to CTB. There are plenty of people on these forums who will be there for you and will listen. I think this forum has probably saved my life! My own opinion is that SSRIs are absolutely terrible meds to give to some people, it sounds like you might be one of them but there is still a good chance that you might feel better soon! Don't loose hope :-)

I'm not able to type much right now but if you go to survivingantidepressants.org and benzobuddies.org you will understand more that they drugs damage the brain in some people. The symptoms from coming off can last months and years and in some cases be permanent. In order to prevent brain damage you have to slowly taper off. This only happens to a small percentage of people. In my case I have severe mental and physical akathisia. I pace 14 hours a day. My thoughts race 24/7. I have racing, ruminationg, looping, earworms, intrusive thought and memories. My brain feels like it is stuck and stuck in a vice grip. I have many more symptoms that have not lessened and I have been off all psychatric drugs for 14 months.

 

[Flippy]

What you are saying sounds very much like what I was experiencing on sertraline when the depression was it's worst. I was getting so freaked out by the intrusive thoughts I couldn't be sure if I was hearing voices or if they were just my internal communication going haywire! I couldn't keep still either and the earworms, I got those too usually a piece of music that maybe had themes I didn't want to think about in that state. I've always had very vivid earworms, I hear classical music in extreme detail, it sometimes feels over stimulating as I can hear every note of every chord etc. I'm a musician and when I'm well or feeling really good it can be really inspiring, but when I'm depressed and anxious it's the worst. Sometimes only a few notes will repeat over and over like a skipping cd. Is what you experience similar?

Are you prescribed anything for the akathisia? I was prescribed procyclodine, it helped somewhat for the agitated need to stand up and move but also helped somewhat for restless legs caused by my mood stabilizer. Racing thoughts I can relate to as well, though they usually are the worst at the other end of the scale of mood for me but they were making a regular visit to my psyche while on sertraline when depressed.

Has you psyc doc helped you at all? Or have you sworn off the mental health professionals due to your current situation? There really should be some support for you to help these symptoms come under some control. I really do feel for you as I think I have some idea how you feel, though your situation sounds much worse to me and has gone on for 14 months *after* coming off an SSRI. I feel I have been extremely lucky not to be in the same situation.

The things that helped me control some of the symptoms are... trying to take baths when I feel like I can't stand or sit still, I got a thing you hang on the side of the bath tub and essentially turns the tub into a whirlpool jacuzzi bath, albeit a poor man's version. This helps with my restless legs too. When I was at my worst I would be in and out of the bath tub constantly. At least I was clean I suppose and I felt less agitated. Putting some strong smelling bath salts in helps as the smell stimulation overwhelms the uncomfortable sensation of keeping still until the water does it's job.

Being a musician I have access to instruments so, trying to figure out and play my current earworm on a guitar sometimes helped me get over that hump of just hearing the same damn thing play over and over, trying to play the next phrase would sometimes just boot it out of that constant loop, then I would maybe try to play something else, then maybe it would prevent it coming back for a while. If you don't have a musical instrument you can get apps for computers that turn the qwerty keyboard into a makeshift musical keyboard. Also having your hands busy and mind focused even for a few minutes can really help. You don't need to be musically skilled, it's just, I think the process of hijacking the part of your brain that processes and loops music/earworms. It may not work for more than a few moments sometimes but to me it was worth it. Just doing something like that until I had to take a break from it but persisting with it helped.

Those are some things that could take the edge off a bit for me. They may be worth a try yourself. I'm not trying to pretend I know exactly what you are going through, just trying to relate through my own recent experiences. I hope maybe they may be of use to you :-)

 

[Kornyboyo]

I appreciate your help. What I am experiencing is beyond distraction. My brain and body has been hijacked by satan himself. I feel trapped in my mind. My inner voice is racing 24/7. Along with hyperawareness of my thoughts and racing intrusive thoughts. Extreme mental arguments and everything I read and watch races through my mind intrusively. Music and sounds earworms. I want to clarify that it was benzos that did this to my brain. I was put on an SSRI at 8 months off and it has only made me worse. As a last effort I am going to try going back on a benzo to see if it helps. If not it was the last effort before taking my life. The terror of my own mind is unreal. My brain doesn't know the difference between an intrusive thought and thinking of my dog.

 

[Flippy]

What you are going through sounds like it's a lot more extreme than what I experienced, though there are definitely some similarities, I was at my wit's end with what I was experiencing myself. It must be extremely hard dealing with the symptoms you are dealing with. :-( Am I right in thinking that you are under the care of a doctor right now and they are aware of the severity of the problems you are having? Have they suggested you restart the benzos? I hope they pull their fingers out and find something that helps you. It's a disgrace when we go to seek help for a problem that then gets exacerbated by the treatment they give and they really do owe you a great deal of consideration due to the way you are feeling. I really hope that going back on the benzos will help you and perhaps your care providers will figure out a way to mitigate the damage these meds seem to have caused you! :-)

 

[Dark days]

I can relate. So sorry. What are the solution (if any)? Pm me...

 

[Kornyboyo]

I can relate. So sorry. What are the solution (if any)? Pm me...

Hi. Im sorry you are suffering. As far as I know there is nothing that can be done besides waiting for the brain to heal. Which I can't do.

 

[fuerza]

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. I know the feeling - I'm in the same place (also benzos and SSRIs). I won't go into the whole 'but time heals!' thing, I'm sure you've read the success stories on BB. However, before going for the final act I would try supplements (NAC, skullcap, phenibut etc) as the last Hail Mary. I'm currently in a psych ward and I honestly don't see things ending well for me. I've ditched the 'time heals all' plan and going to try things that might make me a lot worse. Love to you and fuck Pharma for doing this to people.

 

[Kornyboyo]

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. I know the feeling - I'm in the same place (also benzos and SSRIs). I won't go into the whole 'but time heals!' thing, I'm sure you've read the success stories on BB. However, before going for the final act I would try supplements (NAC, skullcap, phenibut etc) as the last Hail Mary. I'm currently in a psych ward and I honestly don't see things ending well for me. I've ditched the 'time heals all' plan and going to try things that might make me a lot worse. Love to you and fuck Pharma for doing this to people.

I'm sorry to hear that man. What are your symptoms? Sorry to hear about the psych ward. I've been in and out of them the past 2 years. How long are you off everything?

 

[Nem]

You don't hear a lot of stories about people getting fucked up from big pharma meds because they're either dead or in an institution. Big pharma is a big fucking scam and drs are stupid fucks for believing that bullshit in the first place. A few others have been fucked over and they're dead now, why the FUCK are these poisons still prescribed?!
I hope everyone knows that these drugs get approved behind closed doors and are tested by the company that makes them. Then the fda gets passed an envelope (briefcase) full of cash and voila...it's now approved. This is exactly how these get approved and if this sounds crazy...well it is.
I'm sorry that some people on here have had their lives ruined by these poisons, I saw a neurologist that said exactly that...they are poison to the body.
I regret taking anything from a pharmacy, the government is not on your side and the fda has even admitted taking bribes to get meds approved.
People claim meds help their depression or illness, I personally think it's either a placebo effect or pure coincidence.
What a fucking joke this world is, drs bury their mistakes and lie like a rug if anything goes wrong

peace/hugs

 

[Otter]

What you are saying sounds very much like what I was experiencing on sertraline when the depression was it's worst. I was getting so freaked out by the intrusive thoughts I couldn't be sure if I was hearing voices or if they were just my internal communication going haywire! I couldn't keep still either and the earworms, I got those too usually a piece of music that maybe had themes I didn't want to think about in that state. I've always had very vivid earworms, I hear classical music in extreme detail, it sometimes feels over stimulating as I can hear every note of every chord etc. I'm a musician and when I'm well or feeling really good it can be really inspiring, but when I'm depressed and anxious it's the worst. Sometimes only a few notes will repeat over and over like a skipping cd. Is what you experience similar?

Are you prescribed anything for the akathisia? I was prescribed procyclodine, it helped somewhat for the agitated need to stand up and move but also helped somewhat for restless legs caused by my mood stabilizer. Racing thoughts I can relate to as well, though they usually are the worst at the other end of the scale of mood for me but they were making a regular visit to my psyche while on sertraline when depressed.

Has you psyc doc helped you at all? Or have you sworn off the mental health professionals due to your current situation? There really should be some support for you to help these symptoms come under some control. I really do feel for you as I think I have some idea how you feel, though your situation sounds much worse to me and has gone on for 14 months *after* coming off an SSRI. I feel I have been extremely lucky not to be in the same situation.

The things that helped me control some of the symptoms are... trying to take baths when I feel like I can't stand or sit still, I got a thing you hang on the side of the bath tub and essentially turns the tub into a whirlpool jacuzzi bath, albeit a poor man's version. This helps with my restless legs too. When I was at my worst I would be in and out of the bath tub constantly. At least I was clean I suppose and I felt less agitated. Putting some strong smelling bath salts in helps as the smell stimulation overwhelms the uncomfortable sensation of keeping still until the water does it's job.

Being a musician I have access to instruments so, trying to figure out and play my current earworm on a guitar sometimes helped me get over that hump of just hearing the same damn thing play over and over, trying to play the next phrase would sometimes just boot it out of that constant loop, then I would maybe try to play something else, then maybe it would prevent it coming back for a while. If you don't have a musical instrument you can get apps for computers that turn the qwerty keyboard into a makeshift musical keyboard. Also having your hands busy and mind focused even for a few minutes can really help. You don't need to be musically skilled, it's just, I think the process of hijacking the part of your brain that processes and loops music/earworms. It may not work for more than a few moments sometimes but to me it was worth it. Just doing something like that until I had to take a break from it but persisting with it helped.

Those are some things that could take the edge off a bit for me. They may be worth a try yourself. I'm not trying to pretend I know exactly what you are going through, just trying to relate through my own recent experiences. I hope maybe they may be of use to you :-)

I have the earworms, too. What is your diagnosis, if you don't mind me asking. Mine so far is just depression, but I'm pretty sure it's several things. I have weaned myself off everything except Buspar and Ambien for sleep. I have been doing better now, but also my stress level is down so I don't know which is cause and which is effect. You guys feel free to pm me. Best wishes!

 

[chrisbate7]

I'm in the same boat. I'm not sure if it's akathisia or not. I'm in a constant state of terror. Intrusive thoughts that are violent and sexual playing on a loop in my mind. A state of internal restlessness that is making me insane. Been off drugs for 6 months. Not sure how much longer I can handle this living nightmare

 

[BLUE1970]

This video on the siphon effect regarding partial hanging is worth a watch >