Venting suffering from feelings of depression over the fact my alters aren't "real"

[Kokonoe]

title. lately i've found myself deeply depressed and unsatisfied or empty/wanting over the feeling that our alters aren't "real". we've been consistently blurry for so long because of the state of our life lately that our plurality or ourselves is something we never even really have a chance to think about. but when we saw our sister this weekend, we were rapid switching because we missed her and all wanted to spend time with her individually, and it was distressing but also made us incredibly happy. and since then we've been stuck feeling empty and depressed about how much we don't get to feel "real" most of the time. the only person who acknowledges us is our sister and we rarely see her. so outside of the times we switch around her, it's hard to feel like we exist outside of our own head. sometimes it's even hard to feel like we exist *in* our own head.

i wish we weren't restricted to just conversations in our head, or something like headspace. i wish all of our alters could just be real, with separate bodies and everything. I (Café) desperately wish I could spend time with Tachy legitimately. I don't want to just hear her voice in my head and talk. I want to see her in front of me, I want to hold her, I want to spend time with her, I want to get to do things with her. And I wish that for not just Tachy and I, but all of us, too.

If we could all be real like that then none of us would ever have to be lonely again. We would never have to interact with others again, either. I know we'd all be enough for ourselves and would all make each other happy. I want that so badly.
But it can't happen. It's just obviously impossible. And the fact that I have to feel so walled off from everyone, like it's such a struggle just to communicate with, and interact with, and even just get to see the people I love so much. It's depressing. It genuinely makes me want to die. And no level of dissociation or escapism could ever give me what I want. If I can't be around the people I love, why should I even live? I don't want to.

 

[Kokonoe]

this sort of thing is why i draw. i feel like drawing ourselves is the least i can do for them. to at least make them "real" to some degree, to give them at least some sort of form. i feel bad for them. i wish i could do more. i feel useless.
i wish i could feel your touch in a real, tangible way. not just the emptiness in the space where i know you are. i want to see you clearly, not just your vague shape, not just flashes of your smile. i want to feel your warm embrace. i don't want to just settle for the phantom feeling of touch. it's so frustrating. it makes me so miserable. i wish i didn't have to call your name so many times just to finally get a response. i wish you were here. i wish you were here so fucking badly. it's indescribably cruel that neither of us can ever truly be there for each other. that neither of us get to really love each other. why do we even exist if we're just going to be eternally out of reach of each other. it hurts so much.
i think my will to ctb has been renewed because of this. i want to hope that after death we'll finally get to be together.