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Devils_candY

Devils_candY

Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
Oct 23, 2020
46
Hey y'all,

I was diagnosed at the age of 14 with borderline personality disorder. I really didn't know anything about it back then, but i had already been suicidal from the age of 12. I really didn't know much about life back then, but I knew this life wasn't fit for me. I found I had violent mood swings and I often felt unnatural, or not quite comfortable in my body. Not image wise, but as if my spirit didn't belong. I came up with many theories through my teens, which today I find all ludacris. Ahhhh, to have the mind of youth.

So I went through my teens in a dark depressive state. I was, what I considered, a social outcast. I just didn't belong. I did everything from playing football to dressing like Marilyn Manson. The crowds I fell into always felt foreign to me. The worst part was I always found a way to screw up good relationships within these circles and by consequence I would have to find another clique. Hence the hopping around. I always felt intensely unwanted, or what I recognize today as feelings of abandonment. I could never quite put my finger on why I sabotaged my relationships. I would always find someone to befriend or ask out with the best intentions of keeping them around. Within short periods of time I would find myself feeling al kinds of polar opposite feelings. Often unwanted and unwarranted.

I never thought twice about why I did these things. Why I would act irrationally, or get worried about nothing... I just never put two and two together. But I knew by high school age that if I couldn't stop acting this way that I didn't want to live to hurt anymore friends. It made me feel rotten. Like I had no place in a world where I couldn't stop intentionally hurting people I cared for. I tried about once a year through high school to ctb, and obviously failed each time. And every time I would fail I would hide the fact anything happened... soon creating a sense of dissociation with myself. Like i wanted to die, couldn't figure out how, and was too ashamed to talk about it. Although I did have a therapist and I was on medication by that time, nothing ever helped.

The years slowly ticked by, nothing ever really changing for me. I tried to ctb a few more times. I still chased away friends and lovers. Didn't understand myself and why i did what I did. I constantly told myself I was just antisocial. Then when that didn't fit anymore I went to thinking I was a sociopath... but one big difference, i had too much emotion rather than a lack of emotion. Time came to close to now, about 5 years ago. I was hospitalized after an attempt and the psych asked me to explain what it was that drove me to suicide. Of course I explained as I did above. He told me I have a rare form of borderline that's coupled with major depressive disorder, which he called severe. Then he went on to tell me that people with that rare of an affliction have an almost 100% suicide success rate.
that was something ill never forget, that moment sitting in that office across a wooden desk from an aging psychiatrist. Imagine having someone telling you you've contracted AIDS, that's the shock that gave me. Why it shocked me? I dunno, cause just a few days before that I had slit my wrists. But it affected me greatly cause for the past five years my condition has been steadily worsening.

Day after day I recognize myself less. Looking in the mirror had become something I avoid, and I almost always refuse to take a picture of myself. Every time someone im close to takes a little time for themselves I go immediately to the extreme. Thinking they're leaving me, or have forgotten about me. Or I act although intuitively, still impulsively and that's ruined my portfolio. I suffer the most from splitting, often feeling two extremes at once... like love and hate toward the same person often without provocation. The thing is I know im a kind, caring, compassionate, understanding, creative, intelligent person. But I've forgotten how to properly apply those attributes.

life has never been so difficult and I'm afraid if I make it till tomorrow that I'll just feel worse, more out of touch with myself. And I know I'll regret any excuse I had the night before to give into my SI.

For all this I've become severely depressed and every day seems like I couldn't cry more than the last, but I somehow manage to do just that. It's a process of insanity, repeating the same thing time and time again and expecting a different result. I feel defeated, and i can't begin to express how tired i am of all this. For the last three nights alone I've been on the suicide hotline text line 11 times, probably soon to be 12. Im not doing it to get help, cause I know they just push you off the phone, but I'm doing it cause I'm afraid of being alone at night with nothing but my thoughts. Ctb is coming on swift and rolling fast. I beseech my highest power, please keep me tonight, comfort me, give me the strength to go forward with my plans. And y'all, keep me in your thoughts tonight. For the night is long and she be a wicked mistress.

So im writing about this not only to get my story out there, but to help me feel a weight lifted off my chest. I've never told my story, however brief, before. Also im owning it up to y'all to see if I can find others like me. Or others with the same disorder and to hear their experiences with this wicked affliction. Maybe y'all won't ctb due to this ailment, but maybe y'all have it and can relate. Either way I'd love to hear and talk about it. Maybe you've tried a therapy I've missed. Or have some advice about how I can spend my nights alone. Or even if you just want to share generally. Let me know.

Thanks guys!
 
profoundexperience

profoundexperience

You can feel the punishment but you cant commit ts
Jun 29, 2020
436
about 5 years ago. I was hospitalized after an attempt ... He told me I have a rare form ... he called severe. Then he went on to tell me that people with that rare of an affliction have an almost 100% suicide success rate.... it affected me greatly cause for the past five years my condition has been steadily worsening.
That's a very strange thing for a professional to say. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't seem like it was a helpful thing to say... Just wondering, if it could be "taken back" your having heard that... what do you think? Would it have been better not to?

I'm just concerned that it might not be true (or at least the complete truth)...?

Things like that need to be backed-up with scientific data. I'm not sure where to start to find that... but I do suspect there're a lot more details to it than just what was said.
im writing about this not only to get my story out there, but to help me feel a weight lifted off my chest. I've never told my story, however brief, before. Also im owning it up to y'all to see if I can find others like me.
Although I don't have borderline, I do have MDD and understand that part of it. And I especially understand, "I can't take it anymore."

It's hard to know how to respond to everything... You could possibly "break it down" and post one paragraph at a time (on different days perhaps) and get a more focused conversation going...?

That said, I really appreciated hearing your story!! And if someone could give you the perfect feedback/advice for you for right now... what do you think that would be? This may seem like a dodge, but I just don't know what to say to best help you.... So, I'm asking you (after all you're the "expert" on your own life): If someone came-along and said the perfect thing to you, what would that be (or at least, what do you think the topic area would be)??

If someone came along and said the "perfect thing" to me... I think that thing would be very dark (to "normal" people)... but part of your tagline is "please, save me"... so I wonder if what you'd hear wouldn't be something positive...?
And y'all, keep me in your thoughts tonight. For the night is long and she be a wicked mistress.
You'll definitely be in my thoughts for some time and I definitely wish you great wellness, @Devils_candY!
 
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Captive of Mind

Captive of Mind

Memento mori
Aug 11, 2020
409
Damn.. I could relate to a lot of the things you suffer from. That moment where the psychiatrist told you about the 100% suicide rate for people with that illness is intense. You described everything really well.

And I share your pain when you said, "I'm not doing it to get help, cause I know they just push you off the phone, but I'm doing it cause I'm afraid of being alone at night with nothing but my thoughts". The amount of terror that the mind can create is absurd.
 
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F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
Thank you for sharing your story @Devils_candY. That is a rough journey you've been on. That took such courage share. I'll definitely be keeping you in my thoughts, wishing you the best. I don't really have any advice I could give as I don't know what to say tbh. I just wanted to acknowledge that I've read your story and I feel for you fam :hug:
 
Devils_candY

Devils_candY

Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
Oct 23, 2020
46
That's a very strange thing for a professional to say. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't seem like it was a helpful thing to say... Just wondering, if it could be "taken back" your having heard that... what do you think? Would it have been better not to?

I'm just concerned that it might not be true (or at least the complete truth)...?

Things like that need to be backed-up with scientific data. I'm not sure where to start to find that... but I do suspect there're a lot more details to it than just what was said.

Although I don't have borderline, I do have MDD and understand that part of it. And I especially understand, "I can't take it anymore."

It's hard to know how to respond to everything... You could possibly "break it down" and post one paragraph at a time (on different days perhaps) and get a more focused conversation going...?

That said, I really appreciated hearing your story!! And if someone could give you the perfect feedback/advice for you for right now... what do you think that would be? This may seem like a dodge, but I just don't know what to say to best help you.... So, I'm asking you (after all you're the "expert" on your own life): If someone came-along and said the perfect thing to you, what would that be (or at least, what do you think the topic area would be)??

If someone came along and said the "perfect thing" to me... I think that thing would be very dark (to "normal" people)... but part of your tagline is "please, save me"... so I wonder if what you'd hear wouldn't be something positive...?

You'll definitely be in my thoughts for some time and I definitely wish you great wellness, @Devils_candY!
I've personally never thought that there was any scientific data to back up the point that doctor told me that day. Still it was a shock. Honestly if I had never heard that im not sure I'd be here today. Im stubborn and I think hearing something like that gave me a little more drive than I normally would've had. Kind if comparative of the cancer patient being given a time limit on life. You often see people like that dead set on beating the system, if even just by a day. Was it damaging at the same time? Sure, but like I said, I was already in the hospital for slitting my wrists. I had already accepted the notion of death by my own hand.

If someone were to gve me advice in this matter I would say, what kinds if therapies worked for them. Was there any type of lifestyle that seemed less damaging than another? Do you find yourself more depressed over the actual loss of someone, or does it bother you more to live wondering if you're being ignored or forgotten? Have you ever found a system of belief that helps you trust people? Amongst other questions, but those seemingly the most important. Considering borderline is notorious for relationship self sabotage, the real query comes along there lines of, how do I not ruin my relationships.

Wow, the perfect thing? I actually talk all the time with my family about the benefits of my timely departure. The one thing I always say to them is, "please, spare me the please, and just tell me you understand." So this may be simple, but what i know helps me the most is when someone says, "I understand."

So thanks for the examination. I kind of needed that tonight. It's been rough for me these past days. Likewise, I reciprocate the sentiment. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Stay up, for the come down.

-Baal
Thank you for sharing your story @Devils_candY. That is a rough journey you've been on. That took such courage share. I'll definitely be keeping you in my thoughts, wishing you the best. I don't really have any advice I could give as I don't know what to say tbh. I just wanted to acknowledge that I've read your story and I feel for you fam :hug:
You're more than appreciated @foxdie thanks for taking the time not only to raff my story, but to acknowledge me.
Damn.. I could relate to a lot of the things you suffer from. That moment where the psychiatrist told you about the 100% suicide rate for people with that illness is intense. You described everything really well.

And I share your pain when you said, "I'm not doing it to get help, cause I know they just push you off the phone, but I'm doing it cause I'm afraid of being alone at night with nothing but my thoughts". The amount of terror that the mind can create is absurd.
It's amazing how damaging or own minds can be on our own minds... now doesn't that blow your mind? Lol. It's honestly impressive how much we can dwell within ourselves when we're at our most vulnerable. It's frightening knowing that every night if I don't find someone to talk to, or something so seriously distract me, that I'll just sit emotionless, staring into the darkness where all I see and hear are the demons of my mind... sometimes you just want to scream, others your too afraid to scream for what might hear you. That's why im here right now, because the night's starting.
 
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LittleBabyNothing

LittleBabyNothing

Suffering Autointoxification
Nov 22, 2020
432
A small thread of hope is a powerful thing... a therapist once wrote that to me on a gift and it keeps me going in my darkest times, even when I'm not sure what that hope is.
Bpd is so cruel, I can relate to so much you describe. I don't know if I have the strength to keep fighting myself anymore but I do know it can be recovered from, fatal for some but not all.
Treatment wise there is lots that can help, do everything you can access; mbt, dbt, trauma therpay, therapeutic communities, meds, emdr. There is no quick or easy fix to personality disorders sadly. It's a battle to persevere in learning to love yourself against the soul destroying, life limiting torture of a bpd existence. Talking and sharing is great, you are not alone in how you feel, the thoughts and despair. Be kind to yourself, Stay Beautiful x
 
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painoflife

painoflife

Arcanist
Jul 27, 2019
414
I am sorry you have had such long lasting and worsening feelings like this. It is a horrible situation to be in and I am sure a lot of people here can relate.
I can't offer any advice or help but I hope that you know you aren't alone and if you feel lonely at night you can always come and chat on here!
My PM is always open :)
 
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P

paininme

Member
Nov 17, 2020
84
So sorry for your suffering, I also have bpd
 
LosinIt20

LosinIt20

What’s the point in living if you can’t be alive
Mar 8, 2020
50
I have the exact same issues , BPD severe depression.. i know exactly how you feel cause I feel the same ... nobody understands and I feel like they never will
 
W

woknows

Experienced
Dec 12, 2020
264
I wonder about the accuracy of the statement of 100% suicide success rate. Sounds like a bunch of bullshit and a totally unprofessional thing to say.

Are you certain of the diagnosis? Doctors are poor at properly diagnosing patients, let alone mental suffering.

How were your parents treating you? I wonder if therein lies a story explaining why you feel insecure.

Good luck. I wish I had a magic wand to cure you, in reality, I cannot even cure myself.
 
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