Devils_candY
Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
- Oct 23, 2020
- 46
Hey y'all,
I was diagnosed at the age of 14 with borderline personality disorder. I really didn't know anything about it back then, but i had already been suicidal from the age of 12. I really didn't know much about life back then, but I knew this life wasn't fit for me. I found I had violent mood swings and I often felt unnatural, or not quite comfortable in my body. Not image wise, but as if my spirit didn't belong. I came up with many theories through my teens, which today I find all ludacris. Ahhhh, to have the mind of youth.
So I went through my teens in a dark depressive state. I was, what I considered, a social outcast. I just didn't belong. I did everything from playing football to dressing like Marilyn Manson. The crowds I fell into always felt foreign to me. The worst part was I always found a way to screw up good relationships within these circles and by consequence I would have to find another clique. Hence the hopping around. I always felt intensely unwanted, or what I recognize today as feelings of abandonment. I could never quite put my finger on why I sabotaged my relationships. I would always find someone to befriend or ask out with the best intentions of keeping them around. Within short periods of time I would find myself feeling al kinds of polar opposite feelings. Often unwanted and unwarranted.
I never thought twice about why I did these things. Why I would act irrationally, or get worried about nothing... I just never put two and two together. But I knew by high school age that if I couldn't stop acting this way that I didn't want to live to hurt anymore friends. It made me feel rotten. Like I had no place in a world where I couldn't stop intentionally hurting people I cared for. I tried about once a year through high school to ctb, and obviously failed each time. And every time I would fail I would hide the fact anything happened... soon creating a sense of dissociation with myself. Like i wanted to die, couldn't figure out how, and was too ashamed to talk about it. Although I did have a therapist and I was on medication by that time, nothing ever helped.
The years slowly ticked by, nothing ever really changing for me. I tried to ctb a few more times. I still chased away friends and lovers. Didn't understand myself and why i did what I did. I constantly told myself I was just antisocial. Then when that didn't fit anymore I went to thinking I was a sociopath... but one big difference, i had too much emotion rather than a lack of emotion. Time came to close to now, about 5 years ago. I was hospitalized after an attempt and the psych asked me to explain what it was that drove me to suicide. Of course I explained as I did above. He told me I have a rare form of borderline that's coupled with major depressive disorder, which he called severe. Then he went on to tell me that people with that rare of an affliction have an almost 100% suicide success rate.
that was something ill never forget, that moment sitting in that office across a wooden desk from an aging psychiatrist. Imagine having someone telling you you've contracted AIDS, that's the shock that gave me. Why it shocked me? I dunno, cause just a few days before that I had slit my wrists. But it affected me greatly cause for the past five years my condition has been steadily worsening.
Day after day I recognize myself less. Looking in the mirror had become something I avoid, and I almost always refuse to take a picture of myself. Every time someone im close to takes a little time for themselves I go immediately to the extreme. Thinking they're leaving me, or have forgotten about me. Or I act although intuitively, still impulsively and that's ruined my portfolio. I suffer the most from splitting, often feeling two extremes at once... like love and hate toward the same person often without provocation. The thing is I know im a kind, caring, compassionate, understanding, creative, intelligent person. But I've forgotten how to properly apply those attributes.
life has never been so difficult and I'm afraid if I make it till tomorrow that I'll just feel worse, more out of touch with myself. And I know I'll regret any excuse I had the night before to give into my SI.
For all this I've become severely depressed and every day seems like I couldn't cry more than the last, but I somehow manage to do just that. It's a process of insanity, repeating the same thing time and time again and expecting a different result. I feel defeated, and i can't begin to express how tired i am of all this. For the last three nights alone I've been on the suicide hotline text line 11 times, probably soon to be 12. Im not doing it to get help, cause I know they just push you off the phone, but I'm doing it cause I'm afraid of being alone at night with nothing but my thoughts. Ctb is coming on swift and rolling fast. I beseech my highest power, please keep me tonight, comfort me, give me the strength to go forward with my plans. And y'all, keep me in your thoughts tonight. For the night is long and she be a wicked mistress.
So im writing about this not only to get my story out there, but to help me feel a weight lifted off my chest. I've never told my story, however brief, before. Also im owning it up to y'all to see if I can find others like me. Or others with the same disorder and to hear their experiences with this wicked affliction. Maybe y'all won't ctb due to this ailment, but maybe y'all have it and can relate. Either way I'd love to hear and talk about it. Maybe you've tried a therapy I've missed. Or have some advice about how I can spend my nights alone. Or even if you just want to share generally. Let me know.
Thanks guys!
I was diagnosed at the age of 14 with borderline personality disorder. I really didn't know anything about it back then, but i had already been suicidal from the age of 12. I really didn't know much about life back then, but I knew this life wasn't fit for me. I found I had violent mood swings and I often felt unnatural, or not quite comfortable in my body. Not image wise, but as if my spirit didn't belong. I came up with many theories through my teens, which today I find all ludacris. Ahhhh, to have the mind of youth.
So I went through my teens in a dark depressive state. I was, what I considered, a social outcast. I just didn't belong. I did everything from playing football to dressing like Marilyn Manson. The crowds I fell into always felt foreign to me. The worst part was I always found a way to screw up good relationships within these circles and by consequence I would have to find another clique. Hence the hopping around. I always felt intensely unwanted, or what I recognize today as feelings of abandonment. I could never quite put my finger on why I sabotaged my relationships. I would always find someone to befriend or ask out with the best intentions of keeping them around. Within short periods of time I would find myself feeling al kinds of polar opposite feelings. Often unwanted and unwarranted.
I never thought twice about why I did these things. Why I would act irrationally, or get worried about nothing... I just never put two and two together. But I knew by high school age that if I couldn't stop acting this way that I didn't want to live to hurt anymore friends. It made me feel rotten. Like I had no place in a world where I couldn't stop intentionally hurting people I cared for. I tried about once a year through high school to ctb, and obviously failed each time. And every time I would fail I would hide the fact anything happened... soon creating a sense of dissociation with myself. Like i wanted to die, couldn't figure out how, and was too ashamed to talk about it. Although I did have a therapist and I was on medication by that time, nothing ever helped.
The years slowly ticked by, nothing ever really changing for me. I tried to ctb a few more times. I still chased away friends and lovers. Didn't understand myself and why i did what I did. I constantly told myself I was just antisocial. Then when that didn't fit anymore I went to thinking I was a sociopath... but one big difference, i had too much emotion rather than a lack of emotion. Time came to close to now, about 5 years ago. I was hospitalized after an attempt and the psych asked me to explain what it was that drove me to suicide. Of course I explained as I did above. He told me I have a rare form of borderline that's coupled with major depressive disorder, which he called severe. Then he went on to tell me that people with that rare of an affliction have an almost 100% suicide success rate.
that was something ill never forget, that moment sitting in that office across a wooden desk from an aging psychiatrist. Imagine having someone telling you you've contracted AIDS, that's the shock that gave me. Why it shocked me? I dunno, cause just a few days before that I had slit my wrists. But it affected me greatly cause for the past five years my condition has been steadily worsening.
Day after day I recognize myself less. Looking in the mirror had become something I avoid, and I almost always refuse to take a picture of myself. Every time someone im close to takes a little time for themselves I go immediately to the extreme. Thinking they're leaving me, or have forgotten about me. Or I act although intuitively, still impulsively and that's ruined my portfolio. I suffer the most from splitting, often feeling two extremes at once... like love and hate toward the same person often without provocation. The thing is I know im a kind, caring, compassionate, understanding, creative, intelligent person. But I've forgotten how to properly apply those attributes.
life has never been so difficult and I'm afraid if I make it till tomorrow that I'll just feel worse, more out of touch with myself. And I know I'll regret any excuse I had the night before to give into my SI.
For all this I've become severely depressed and every day seems like I couldn't cry more than the last, but I somehow manage to do just that. It's a process of insanity, repeating the same thing time and time again and expecting a different result. I feel defeated, and i can't begin to express how tired i am of all this. For the last three nights alone I've been on the suicide hotline text line 11 times, probably soon to be 12. Im not doing it to get help, cause I know they just push you off the phone, but I'm doing it cause I'm afraid of being alone at night with nothing but my thoughts. Ctb is coming on swift and rolling fast. I beseech my highest power, please keep me tonight, comfort me, give me the strength to go forward with my plans. And y'all, keep me in your thoughts tonight. For the night is long and she be a wicked mistress.
So im writing about this not only to get my story out there, but to help me feel a weight lifted off my chest. I've never told my story, however brief, before. Also im owning it up to y'all to see if I can find others like me. Or others with the same disorder and to hear their experiences with this wicked affliction. Maybe y'all won't ctb due to this ailment, but maybe y'all have it and can relate. Either way I'd love to hear and talk about it. Maybe you've tried a therapy I've missed. Or have some advice about how I can spend my nights alone. Or even if you just want to share generally. Let me know.
Thanks guys!
