FlankerSandwhich
Professional Rat Lover
- Jan 10, 2025
- 26
This is a stupid vent, please ignore it. Its a spoilt brat who ruined a perfectly set up life with loving parents and a stable home
Within the span of 9 months, I've managed to royally fuck my life. Its not like it was going too well before, but I somehow plunged it into deep shit, so much so that its beyond recovery. I'm an idiot and want to escape by death because I'm too chicken to face my problems
I start this year with an exam period at uni and, of course, I hadn't revised thoroughly. But I did my dues in the 2 weeks leading up to exams, going in to study every day with friends and doing as much as I could. Of course, it wasn't enough and, whilst I started off relatively solid, I ended up crashing and burning by test 3 of 6. 4 and 6 were total disasters, with me having mental break downs and repeatedly writing the most corny things on the paper, things like "help me" and "I can't do this" and "I want to die". I didn't even turn up for test 5. Whilst its easy to think that this is a sign of my greater mental struggle, remind yourself that the only reason I found myself in such a predicament was because I didn't revise over the holidays
At the beginning of semester two, a friend suggested that I reach out to the student support team, something I was reluctant to do as I had done so prior, and whilst they were genuinely lovely, the idea of going back and telling them that I couldn't stay fixed, was deeply uncomfortable. However, I went to them anyway, and I believe that this was my next fatal error. I explained my situation, and they started working with me to try and get professional help from the uni, a process that took until the end of the academic year and was heavily restricted because, according to the university system, only people with specific neurodivergences can see someone regularly for mental support; I am lucky to have dyslexia, otherwise they would be unable to help at all. This was a crumby experience, but certainly not so important to this story, and probably the least of my concerns
As the semester progressed, I resolved to try and attend every lecture, a task that sounds intuitive to most, but something I had always struggled with until this point. For a course like engineering, days can be 8 hours of just lectures that are dense enough to be 3 times the length they actually are, leaving you exhausted and confused. Then on top of that, it is expected that every student do a few hours of self study to keep up; Though, my absence is nothing but a cheap excuse, and there are many that manage such a task, leaving me the fool.
I somehow lasted about 3 weeks before I burnt out, all whilst underfeeding, self harming and under sleeping. As previously mentioned, I am not right in the head, though these stupid, idiotic habits ended up screwing me over, and because of my immature desire to hurt myself, I ended up beginning a chain of events that led to my destruction. I don't quite remember what happened exactly, its all a blur, but I believe I took a rest day out of exhaustion, and that rest day became a week, then month. I am a heavy procrastinator, which basically means I'm lazy and don't work, so I didn't catch up on what I missed, and I'm too brain fucked to just go in without catching up because if my notes are out of order, I get irrationality upset. I start hating myself more than normal, I stop leaving bed, stop eating, and become a complete mess. Again, this is a self inflicted issue because I'm such a brain fucked idiot and lazy piece of shit that doesn't work or try.
The worst thing about this period, something I'm only realising now, is how I became a dopamine addicted junkie. Being in bed for months without moving, I naturally used my phone more and more for YouTube, anime, porn and all sorts of worthless things. In the past, I made a valiant effort to stay away from this kind of thing, but because of one bad period of my life, all of that work is for naught, and now I can't go a moment without this stupid phone, and now I think my brain has stopped working, even when I'm not depressed. Everyday, i feel myself turning into an animal. I dont think, i dont feel, i don't even believe, i just chase dopamine and listen to the reward centres in my brain. Ive found myself acting without intension of thought, moving only by impulse; I'll water the plants because i see a watering can, or sit on the toilet because im close to the door.
Anyway, back to the story. Things got pretty bad, and I got so pissed off at my idiot self that I decided enough was enough. There's no perfect time, no perfect method, I'm just gonna buy a rope and hang myself because I've been doing this shit for almost a decade now. Unfortunately, I forgot to account for the fact that I'm a fucking coward, and I didn't even unwrap the thing before I went crying to my friend about "depression" like an idiot. It wasn't until another two months of being shitty that I actually picked it up and said I was going to draw a line. Again, I chickened out, and ended up living before even tying the knot. It was probably the biggest mistake of my life.
Over the summer, things got better I guess. I stopped being a lazy piece of shit and got out of bed, I stopped being "depressed", things should've been better. But after all of that, my dopamine receptors are way too fucked, and my usual pessimism is way worse now, making me not even bother to try looking at material before I go back to repeat my second year. Its not like I have problems or am a victim; I'm simply a shitty piece of shit that overstayed my welcome on earth. I'm fundamentally broken, I have been from birth, and a piece of shit like me just needs to die in a fucking ditch, because what am I here for? I don't work anymore, not that I ever have, and I never will. God fucking damnit just die you stupid piece of shit. Why did you have to live? Why were you a coward? You could've died by now.
Sorry for all the yap. I'm just a bitter loser with no future, and a spoilt brat that faced a minor amount of resistance. I should be mauled to death for such ignorance and disrespect to people with real problems. I'm sorry for staining this incredible website with such bullshit, and I hope for my swift suicide, so that the world may finally be rid of such a leech
Within the span of 9 months, I've managed to royally fuck my life. Its not like it was going too well before, but I somehow plunged it into deep shit, so much so that its beyond recovery. I'm an idiot and want to escape by death because I'm too chicken to face my problems
I start this year with an exam period at uni and, of course, I hadn't revised thoroughly. But I did my dues in the 2 weeks leading up to exams, going in to study every day with friends and doing as much as I could. Of course, it wasn't enough and, whilst I started off relatively solid, I ended up crashing and burning by test 3 of 6. 4 and 6 were total disasters, with me having mental break downs and repeatedly writing the most corny things on the paper, things like "help me" and "I can't do this" and "I want to die". I didn't even turn up for test 5. Whilst its easy to think that this is a sign of my greater mental struggle, remind yourself that the only reason I found myself in such a predicament was because I didn't revise over the holidays
At the beginning of semester two, a friend suggested that I reach out to the student support team, something I was reluctant to do as I had done so prior, and whilst they were genuinely lovely, the idea of going back and telling them that I couldn't stay fixed, was deeply uncomfortable. However, I went to them anyway, and I believe that this was my next fatal error. I explained my situation, and they started working with me to try and get professional help from the uni, a process that took until the end of the academic year and was heavily restricted because, according to the university system, only people with specific neurodivergences can see someone regularly for mental support; I am lucky to have dyslexia, otherwise they would be unable to help at all. This was a crumby experience, but certainly not so important to this story, and probably the least of my concerns
As the semester progressed, I resolved to try and attend every lecture, a task that sounds intuitive to most, but something I had always struggled with until this point. For a course like engineering, days can be 8 hours of just lectures that are dense enough to be 3 times the length they actually are, leaving you exhausted and confused. Then on top of that, it is expected that every student do a few hours of self study to keep up; Though, my absence is nothing but a cheap excuse, and there are many that manage such a task, leaving me the fool.
I somehow lasted about 3 weeks before I burnt out, all whilst underfeeding, self harming and under sleeping. As previously mentioned, I am not right in the head, though these stupid, idiotic habits ended up screwing me over, and because of my immature desire to hurt myself, I ended up beginning a chain of events that led to my destruction. I don't quite remember what happened exactly, its all a blur, but I believe I took a rest day out of exhaustion, and that rest day became a week, then month. I am a heavy procrastinator, which basically means I'm lazy and don't work, so I didn't catch up on what I missed, and I'm too brain fucked to just go in without catching up because if my notes are out of order, I get irrationality upset. I start hating myself more than normal, I stop leaving bed, stop eating, and become a complete mess. Again, this is a self inflicted issue because I'm such a brain fucked idiot and lazy piece of shit that doesn't work or try.
The worst thing about this period, something I'm only realising now, is how I became a dopamine addicted junkie. Being in bed for months without moving, I naturally used my phone more and more for YouTube, anime, porn and all sorts of worthless things. In the past, I made a valiant effort to stay away from this kind of thing, but because of one bad period of my life, all of that work is for naught, and now I can't go a moment without this stupid phone, and now I think my brain has stopped working, even when I'm not depressed. Everyday, i feel myself turning into an animal. I dont think, i dont feel, i don't even believe, i just chase dopamine and listen to the reward centres in my brain. Ive found myself acting without intension of thought, moving only by impulse; I'll water the plants because i see a watering can, or sit on the toilet because im close to the door.
Anyway, back to the story. Things got pretty bad, and I got so pissed off at my idiot self that I decided enough was enough. There's no perfect time, no perfect method, I'm just gonna buy a rope and hang myself because I've been doing this shit for almost a decade now. Unfortunately, I forgot to account for the fact that I'm a fucking coward, and I didn't even unwrap the thing before I went crying to my friend about "depression" like an idiot. It wasn't until another two months of being shitty that I actually picked it up and said I was going to draw a line. Again, I chickened out, and ended up living before even tying the knot. It was probably the biggest mistake of my life.
Over the summer, things got better I guess. I stopped being a lazy piece of shit and got out of bed, I stopped being "depressed", things should've been better. But after all of that, my dopamine receptors are way too fucked, and my usual pessimism is way worse now, making me not even bother to try looking at material before I go back to repeat my second year. Its not like I have problems or am a victim; I'm simply a shitty piece of shit that overstayed my welcome on earth. I'm fundamentally broken, I have been from birth, and a piece of shit like me just needs to die in a fucking ditch, because what am I here for? I don't work anymore, not that I ever have, and I never will. God fucking damnit just die you stupid piece of shit. Why did you have to live? Why were you a coward? You could've died by now.
Sorry for all the yap. I'm just a bitter loser with no future, and a spoilt brat that faced a minor amount of resistance. I should be mauled to death for such ignorance and disrespect to people with real problems. I'm sorry for staining this incredible website with such bullshit, and I hope for my swift suicide, so that the world may finally be rid of such a leech
