avoid_slow_death
Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
- Feb 4, 2020
- 1,234
Nightmare in reality. I am broken worse than I ever have been in my entire life. My purpose is gone, my situation destroyed and I truly, truly don't want to do another...single....day.....
My story doesn't matter. Seriously. Most of you would likely find it trivial or ridiculous anyway. Doesn't matter because I cannot ctb anyways, even though I am completely dead inside. Seriously. I barely eat. Sometimes go all day or days without food. I enjoy nothing anymore, I mean nothing. Nothing at all brings me any pleasure, everything is either a chore or just there, nothing more.
Have every reason to just go, but, I cannot. Would destroy my family completely. Basically, my dad started drinking again. This is really bad because he cannot. It will literally kill him now. My sister talked me into moving back to where my family lives and I decided to for my dad, even though he is basically the root of my issues and ultimately the reason I am here at this point in my life. But....that was in the past, I have forgiven him.
I talked to him today. When he answered, I thought I had woken him. I apologized for waking him and he told me he wasn't sleeping. It hit me.....he was drunk....I wanted to cry, but, I had to pretend everything was ok and I didn't know what was going on. I told him I would be there in two weeks and he said he was so happy, so happy that I was coming back home.
Honestly, I am not. I love and adore my family, but, this.....this.....my dream....lost....I seriously cannot go on. I just can't. I can't even take care of the basics anymore, yet. I have to live so I don't take others with me if I ctb.....I.....I don't know why....life in Hell until I die, yet, I cannot die by my own hand...truly Hell....
My story doesn't matter. Seriously. Most of you would likely find it trivial or ridiculous anyway. Doesn't matter because I cannot ctb anyways, even though I am completely dead inside. Seriously. I barely eat. Sometimes go all day or days without food. I enjoy nothing anymore, I mean nothing. Nothing at all brings me any pleasure, everything is either a chore or just there, nothing more.
Have every reason to just go, but, I cannot. Would destroy my family completely. Basically, my dad started drinking again. This is really bad because he cannot. It will literally kill him now. My sister talked me into moving back to where my family lives and I decided to for my dad, even though he is basically the root of my issues and ultimately the reason I am here at this point in my life. But....that was in the past, I have forgiven him.
I talked to him today. When he answered, I thought I had woken him. I apologized for waking him and he told me he wasn't sleeping. It hit me.....he was drunk....I wanted to cry, but, I had to pretend everything was ok and I didn't know what was going on. I told him I would be there in two weeks and he said he was so happy, so happy that I was coming back home.
Honestly, I am not. I love and adore my family, but, this.....this.....my dream....lost....I seriously cannot go on. I just can't. I can't even take care of the basics anymore, yet. I have to live so I don't take others with me if I ctb.....I.....I don't know why....life in Hell until I die, yet, I cannot die by my own hand...truly Hell....
