My plan

[JJ53]

Hi @JJ53 Appreciate you and thank you so much for following! I'm getting support here more than I'm getting from my own family.

So the medications are not working at all. Yesterday I had a nightmare I saw myself standing on the edge of tall building and about to fall. The doctor told me about suicidal thoughts one if the side effects but I'm already suicidal so I don't know what to makeup out if this nightmare. I'm still taking it but I also have stomach pain from it. I'm not going to lie to you my friend, I think I want to be in pain I'm so angry at myself I missed signs and symptoms my son had if I was smarter and more focus on him I'll prob saved him. I know it's too late now. Today I went to see him I took flowers and I stayed there for almost 3 hours just watching his videos and his beautiful voice crying is not even helping. I don't how i feel, maybe lost. I just lost connection with life, going to try to live with this pain for my other 2 children but I'm going to be struggling every single day. I don't know what to do anymore. A friend of mine here told about medium reading, I'm going to contact them maybe they can connect me with my son so I can apologize to him and tell him how much I love him. I don't know how much longer a person can live with this pain.

You're very welcome. Suicidal thoughts can be a common side effect when starting psych drugs, and if you were already suicidal before starting them, the drugs can sometimes accelerate these thoughts. For instance, I started taking sertraline about a week and a half ago, and my suicidal thoughts have definitely worsened since then. Do you feel that your suicidal thoughts have increased since starting your meds? I hope this helps you determine if the medications are contributing to a further decline. Nobody deserves to be in pain, no matter what. Even if you had recognised your son's signs and symptoms, it's hard to say whether that would have changed his decision. I had a close friend take his life a couple of years ago, and despite my efforts to support him, he still chose to end his life. Although it's not the same as losing a child, it was incredibly painful, and I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. It's very kind of you to visit and bring flowers. Please don't blame yourself or feel that you deserve this pain. I hope the medium reading goes well and you can connect with your son. I find comfort in the thought that, while we don't know where we go after death, we all end up in the same place eventually. You will be with your son again someday xo

 

[badtothebone]

You're very welcome. Suicidal thoughts can be a common side effect when starting psych drugs, and if you were already suicidal before starting them, the drugs can sometimes accelerate these thoughts. For instance, I started taking sertraline about a week and a half ago, and my suicidal thoughts have definitely worsened since then. Do you feel that your suicidal thoughts have increased since starting your meds? I hope this helps you determine if the medications are contributing to a further decline. Nobody deserves to be in pain, no matter what. Even if you had recognised your son's signs and symptoms, it's hard to say whether that would have changed his decision. I had a close friend take his life a couple of years ago, and despite my efforts to support him, he still chose to end his life. Although it's not the same as losing a child, it was incredibly painful, and I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. It's very kind of you to visit and bring flowers. Please don't blame yourself or feel that you deserve this pain. I hope the medium reading goes well and you can connect with your son. I find comfort in the thought that, while we don't know where we go after death, we all end up in the same place eventually. You will be with your son again someday xo

Thank you so much! I'm sorry about your friend! And thank you for sharing. We don't know what's on the other side but like you said I believe we all going to meet with our loved ones and friends.

Yes I believe my suicidal thoughts turned to suicide with plan with this medications. I literally thought about taking some potassium from work to inject myself. I keep delaying every time I read responses like yours. Today I saw my children playing by the graveyard they are so innocent so I'm going to give it a try. I changed and I know I will never go back to normal but I'm doing this for my children. Hopefully I can. I just want to be with him I hope he did know how much I love him. Losing a child put me on a life sentence. I'm not looking for happiness and maybe I deserve to suffer.

 

[JJ53]

Thank you so much! I'm sorry about your friend! And thank you for sharing. We don't know what's on the other side but like you said I believe we all going to meet with our loved ones and friends.

Yes I believe my suicidal thoughts turned to suicide with plan with this medications. I literally thought about taking some potassium from work to inject myself. I keep delaying every time I read responses like yours. Today I saw my children playing by the graveyard they are so innocent so I'm going to give it a try. I changed and I know I will never go back to normal but I'm doing this for my children. Hopefully I can. I just want to be with him I hope he did know how much I love him. Losing a child put me on a life sentence. I'm not looking for happiness and maybe I deserve to suffer.

I appreciate that. I obviously don't have the means to confirm whether there is a direct correlation between your medications and having a suicide plan, but for me, all of my previous attempts occurred when starting a new medication. However, the severity of the increased thoughts did subside within a few weeks. That said, everyone is different, so take my personal experience with a grain of salt. Even if you aren't feeling your best right now, your children need their mother. I don't say this to make you feel guilty or to convince you not to end things, but rather to emphasise that you are incredibly valued and have a significant purpose on this earth. A loss that big would affect anyone. You're incredibly brave for sticking around. I've heard that losing a child is one of the most painful things a parent can endure. When I disclosed my suicidal thoughts to my mum once, she broke down and begged me not to leave her. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.

 

[badtothebone]

I appreciate that. I obviously don't have the means to confirm whether there is a direct correlation between your medications and having a suicide plan, but for me, all of my previous attempts occurred when starting a new medication. However, the severity of the increased thoughts did subside within a few weeks. That said, everyone is different, so take my personal experience with a grain of salt. Even if you aren't feeling your best right now, your children need their mother. I don't say this to make you feel guilty or to convince you not to end things, but rather to emphasise that you are incredibly valued and have a significant purpose on this earth. A loss that big would affect anyone. You're incredibly brave for sticking around. I've heard that losing a child is one of the most painful things a parent can endure. When I disclosed my suicidal thoughts to my mum once, she broke down and begged me not to leave her. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.

Ok thank you so much

 

[divinemistress36]

Hi @JJ53 Appreciate you and thank you so much for following! I'm getting support here more than I'm getting from my own family.

So the medications are not working at all. Yesterday I had a nightmare I saw myself standing on the edge of tall building and about to fall. The doctor told me about suicidal thoughts one if the side effects but I'm already suicidal so I don't know what to makeup out if this nightmare. I'm still taking it but I also have stomach pain from it. I'm not going to lie to you my friend, I think I want to be in pain I'm so angry at myself I missed signs and symptoms my son had if I was smarter and more focus on him I'll prob saved him. I know it's too late now. Today I went to see him I took flowers and I stayed there for almost 3 hours just watching his videos and his beautiful voice crying is not even helping. I don't how i feel, maybe lost. I just lost connection with life, going to try to live with this pain for my other 2 children but I'm going to be struggling every single day. I don't know what to do anymore. A friend of mine here told about medium reading, I'm going to contact them maybe they can connect me with my son so I can apologize to him and tell him how much I love him. I don't know how much longer a person can live with this pain.

Please do shes wonderful

 

[badtothebone]

Please do shes wonderful

Thank you so much @divinemistress36 booking the virtual visit now..

 

[divinemistress36]

Thank you so much @divinemistress36 booking the virtual visit now..

Let me know how it goes

 

[trs]

Hi @CatLvr! Thank you so much for your response and every single word you wrote is true I can't argue with you. I know it's my responsibility that's why I'm still here since January living in pain that you will never understand unless you lost the person you loved the most. You don't see me but people who do are very sad about how I'm suffering. My life is not normal anymore. My routine my healthy life style my smile all gone. I'm looking at my children as I'm writing this I don't want to do that to them I love them so much they are so innocent and beautiful they deserve better just like their bother he deserved better. If im going to live I will have to be on stronger drugs and numb my pain. I'm going to try to live for my children.

@badtothebone listen to @CatLvr, they are saying exactly what your rational side has to hear, that as long as there are other children involved who need you, you will have to find a way for your emotional side to live with the pain. the pain is obviously real, it may not ever go away, and you will need to find a way to accept that. you will need to find a way commit to living with it and finding whatever possible way to deal with it for your other children. they are now the priority.

 

[badtothebone]

@badtothebone listen to @CatLvr, they are saying exactly what your rational side has to hear, that as long as there are other children involved who need you, you will have to find a way for your emotional side to live with the pain. the pain is obviously real, it may not ever go away, and you will need to find a way to accept that. you will need to find a way commit to living with it and finding whatever possible way to deal with it for your other children. they are now the priority.

Thank you @trs I'm trying my best thank you for acknowledging my pain and you're right I'm living with it until I die.