Help Stuck in cycles of sexual trauma/abuse

[SpriLovve]

I'm quite a few years past when I was first sexually abused, I've also been in therapy for some years now. Still, that trauma effects every facet of my life, I'm a completely different person from the girl I used to be.
Things have slowly gotten better over the years, but the trauma I experienced has twisted and reshaped itself into a horrific cycle of me chasing and running from abuse and abusers. I don't know how to stop it, I want to be happy, I want to feel joy, but for some fucking reason I spend hours and hours every day lost in intrusive thoughts of me being hurt and abused. I eventually spiral, relapse and end up around some awful person who I know will hurt me, and then it happens and it's terrifying. Every single time I hate it, yet I still can't escape this cycle..
There's of course more to all of this, I don't want to make this post too long though. Basically, does anyway have thoughts on how I could maybe escape retraumatizing myself?

 

[Aknu132]

You need to find someone who truly loves you, and you need to stop getting involved with people who only want to use you. You need good things in your life so you can stop thinking about the bad things from the past.

 

[tonicer]

Are those monsters in jail or better yet dead? I think rape warrants an execution.

 

[SpriLovve]

You need to find someone who truly loves you, and you need to stop getting involved with people who only want to use you. You need good things in your life so you can stop thinking about the bad things from the past.

I have actually met good people over the past year and have fallen in with a (mostly) good community. Being social is a bit difficult with my diagnosies but it's helped me heal a lot. I'm certainly much better than I was, but the fact that I still can't break out of these thoughts and cycles despite that is so heartbreaking..

Are those monsters in jail or better yet dead? I think rape warrants an execution.

We don't really live in a world where that happens, I don't have any faith in the justice system and I think prison is immoral :/ As much as I hate the people who've hurt me lots of these issues are very nuanced and the legal systens around us are simply not built to facilitate anything but black and white.

 

[tonicer]

We don't really live in a world where that happens, I don't have any faith in the justice system and I think prison is immoral :/ As much as I hate the people who've hurt me lots of these issues are very nuanced and the legal systens around us are simply not built to facilitate anything but black and white.

Would you kill them if you could? I think the most immoral thing a person can do (besides murder) is rape another person.

Why do you think prison is immoral? If you put all the people in prison who love hurting people we could live in a utopia where you don't have to fear thieves or violent attacks. It's their choices that brought them into that situation after all. We always have a choice to do good or evil in each situation we find ourselves in.

 

[Aknu132]

@SpriLovve try finding a female psychologist to confide in and help you break this cycle. Try talking to someone you trust and who you think can help you about what you've been through, especially a woman. Find healthy hobbies to distract yourself from the bad things. As I said, you need to fill your life with as many good things and good people as possible to "forget" the bad things. If you seek out people who hurt you, even a little, you'll only get worse and worse. I'm so sorry for what you been through, as someone who has also suffered abuse, I know how much it hurts, but if we continue to be close to people like that, it will only destroy us more and more.

 

[SpriLovve]

Would you kill them if you could? I think the most immoral thing a person can do (besides murder) is rape another person.

Why do you think prison is immoral? If you put all the people in prison who love hurting people we could live in a utopia where you don't have to fear thieves or violent attacks. It's their choices that brought them into that situation after all. We always have a choice to do good or evil in each situation we find ourselves in.

unfortunately that vision of how prison could create a utopia would only work if we already lived in one. Millions of people end up in prisons due to the oppresive systems that surround us. I think I'm losing the plot by talking about this here so I'll leave it at that.
I do agree that rape is one of the worst things that can be done to another human, sometimes I do wish I could hurt my abusers, but I'm not really sure if I'd actually want to.

@SpriLovve try finding a female psychologist to confide in and help you break this cycle. Try talking to someone you trust and who you think can help you about what you've been through, especially a woman. Find healthy hobbies to distract yourself from the bad things. As I said, you need to fill your life with as many good things and good people as possible to "forget" the bad things. If you seek out people who hurt you, even a little, you'll only get worse and worse. I'm so sorry for what you been through, as someone who has also suffered abuse, I know how much it hurts, but if we continue to be close to people like that, it will only destroy us more and more.

I already have a female psych and therapist, I've been working on recovery for quite a while now. I also have a lot of hobbies that I love and think are healthy. Like I said, the fact that these issues persist in spite of that is so discouraging. Part of it is most likely some amount of learned helplesness, feeling like even if I try to escape abusive people they'll just force their way into my life anyway. Things are very slowly getting better, the constant intrusive thoughts are awful though. I'm extremely aware of my trauma and why I act the way that I do, yet I still can't seem to stop myself. I can see red flags from miles away and then I still watch myself walk directly into the trap, its infuriating :(

 

[Aknu132]

I already have a female psych and therapist, I've been working on recovery for quite a while now. I also have a lot of hobbies that I love and think are healthy. Like I said, the fact that these issues persist in spite of that is so discouraging. Part of it is most likely some amount of learned helplesness, feeling like even if I try to escape abusive people they'll just force their way into my life anyway. Things are very slowly getting better, the constant intrusive thoughts are awful though. I'm extremely aware of my trauma and why I act the way that I do, yet I still can't seem to stop myself. I can see red flags from miles away and then I still watch myself walk directly into the trap, its infuriating :(

I'm sorry that even with all of this you're still suffering. Perhaps you should seek another type of therapy then. I don't know what kind of therapy you're doing, but there are specific therapies for trauma. Even so, you have to make an effort and avoid abusers as much as possible.

 

[SpriLovve]

I'm sorry that even with all of this you're still suffering. Perhaps you should seek another type of therapy then. I don't know what kind of therapy you're doing, but there are specific therapies for trauma. Even so, you have to make an effort and avoid abusers as much as possible.

I've been considering trying emdr, I've heard it can be intense but at this point I'm not sure if I care. Thanks for taking time from your day to respond to me

 

[Aknu132]

I've been considering trying emdr, I've heard it can be intense but at this point I'm not sure if I care. Thanks for taking time from your day to respond to me

Yes, you should try that, and remember that there are other treatments that, if done correctly, can also help you, such as psilocybin. You will get better. For now, try to stay close to trustworthy people and avoid situations that could lead you to bad people as much as possible. Pay attention to your behavior, write it down, look for patterns and try to avoid them.