Stuck in between recovering and succumbing

[bluefeather177]

I feel like I'm permanently stuck in this stupid limbo between wanting to die and wanting to live. I can't bring myself to do a whole host of self destructive things because I know it won't actually help me feel better at all. I've been this way since pretty much puberty and I used to self harm and do a lot of self destructive things, but I have been through a sort of self-help circuit and realized within myself that none of these things actually helped me feel any better.

At the same time, I keep trying to choose life and I keep getting dragged back down into suicidal thoughts. I am so fucking tired of trying to push myself back up onto my own two feet to walk again. I stopped coming on this forum and tried to choose to live and get better. I just keep tripping and stumbling no matter what I do. I can't be regimented enough to actually make a difference. I can't keep to working out and meditating and keeping off social media and everything long enough to actually make it stick in my brain as a habit before I succumb to dopamine-seeking desires that ultimately lead to me wanting to slit my wrists and lie in a bathtub or drive my car off the freeway. I keep trying to choose life but it feels fucking impossible to keep it all together. I have struggled witih intense depression since puberty. Do I really want to bother to choose to live a life full of pain and struggling?

I feel like I ought to just give in to self-destruction and make myself more miserable so that I can just end it already.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

This might seem like an odd question, but why do you want to "choose life and get better"? Working out, meditating, and not wasting hours on social media are all nice goals, but they're not a reason to keep on living all by themselves. They're steps you can take to keep yourself in a more healthy place mentally, but if there is nothing beyond that, it's not surprising that you find it all a bit meaningless, and sliding back into self-destruction and numbing starts to seem more and more attractive. What does that bigger picture look like for you?

 

[bluefeather177]

This might seem like an odd question, but why do you want to "choose life and get better"? Working out, meditating, and not wasting hours on social media are all nice goals, but they're not a reason to keep on living all by themselves. They're steps you can take to keep yourself in a more healthy place mentally, but if there is nothing beyond that, it's not surprising that you find it all a bit meaningless, and sliding back into self-destruction and numbing starts to seem more and more attractive. What does that bigger picture look like for you?

It's not odd at all. I don't really know and I suppose that's what I'm searching for, a reason to keep trying. And lately I feel like I have absolutely none.

 

[hopelesswanderer]

I feel the same way. I want to hope. But I don't know what to hope for other than some vague concept of being content / happy. At the same time, I want to give up.