stuck in a overwhelming job

[seigfried]

This is my first post on this forum. For the last few years i've been trying to fix my mental health and trying every which way to do so. i just want to be myself, feel safe in my skin. 2 months ago i started driving a semi truck after my dad decided to buy me a peice of shit truck that i have to work to pay off. this has absolutely destroyed my mental health. my sleep is fcked, im a really smart kid and very creative but i cant express any of that because now im just stuck in a cab 14 hours a day. just knowing my dad did this his whole life and we're still struggling with money eats away at me. my 2 older brothers are doing the same thing, i fucking hate trucking it's just looking at a road all day and thinking about my life. I just turned 23 and don't think i want to do this. but idk what to do. i called my oldest brother about how i only got 3 hours of sleep a night for the last few weeks and how it's ruining my mental health. he told me we can't do anything about it because we have this truck now and we need to pay it off. i just don't understand it. we're all such hard workers, trucking is very lucrative and makes a lot of money but why the fck are we still poor?? my dad took care of his entire family his whole life. his dads a deadbeat who drinks and yells all day. he had to provide for his little brother and 2 little sisters his whole life. still to this day he gives most of our money to them. my whole life that always made me feel like my dad never cared about me. i can't have a good life because my dad has to practically take care of 4 families. my head hurts so much, i was driving today and broke out in tears. it just hurts knowing what i know, i carry so much pain with me everyday and nobody takes me seriously. the second i fall asleep someone wakes me up and i don't even get mad anymore i just cry. i heard online they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. i was so good at drawing, im so good at singing, i used to be very involved in the gym. but now im just a sleep deprived, underfed, suicidal husk of myself. i dont know how much longer i can do this. my dream life is living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, i dont want to settle for a life where i work a job that slowly kills me, but i have no other option now.

 

[desiderium]

Is trucking part-time an option, if you and your family really have to pay the truck off? Do you specifically have to drive, or can your family continue trucking without you- is one truck shared between all of you, or is the truck you're driving your specific truck?

It sounds like you didn't particularly have a choice in choosing your career path. Are you able to save up some money to potentially move/change careers?

 

[seigfried]

Is trucking part-time an option, if you and your family really have to pay the truck off? Do you specifically have to drive, or can your family continue trucking without you- is one truck shared between all of you, or is the truck you're driving your specific truck?

It sounds like you didn't particularly have a choice in choosing your career path. Are you able to save up some money to potentially move/change careers?

my dad has truck, my oldest brother has one, and now my dad bought one for me and my middle brother to drive. he said he'll buy another one so we can have 4. being a co driver is hard enough i don't think i can drive alone i'd probably drive off the side of the road. i been having dreams about doing that recently. there's nothing else i really think i can do career wise. i didn't go to college. i'm good at drawing and singing and being fit but those talents don't pay much anymore. my mental was already shit before starting this job and now trying to balance fixing myself and only having like 2 hours a day to focus on myself it's impossible. it hurts because i was the kid everyone told had the most potential. i can't do part time now because he have to pay it off.

 

[desiderium]

my dad has truck, my oldest brother has one, and now my dad bought one for me and my middle brother to drive. he said he'll buy another one so we can have 4. being a co driver is hard enough i don't think i can drive alone i'd probably drive off the side of the road. i been having dreams about doing that recently. there's nothing else i really think i can do career wise. i didn't go to college. i'm good at drawing and singing and being fit but those talents don't pay much anymore. my mental was already shit before starting this job and now trying to balance fixing myself and only having like 2 hours a day to focus on myself it's impossible. it hurts because i was the kid everyone told had the most potential.

I'm so sorry about the circumstances, they sound immensely difficult.

Have you ever told your dad that you don't want to be a truck driver? I know you said he's a drinker and a volatile man, so don't tell him if it jeopardizes your safety. If not, have you ever told any of your siblings that you genuinely hate what you do, and that it's crushing your will to live? I think it's important for your family to KNOW just how much you hate it.

If you and your middle brother share a truck, the good news is that if you do quit/change careers, your middle brother can have the truck completely and your father won't have to buy a fourth one. It's not like the truck will be going to waste.

As for life skills, you're young. You can always learn, and IF you wanted to go to college, they have online classes you can take or tech/trade degrees that are 2 years! You could also theoretically get a temporary job (bartender, etc) to tide you over until you decide what you'd like to do.

Nobody deserves to be stuck in a life they don't want to live. The good news is that, genuinely, I think there's a way out of this job for you. Maybe not an immediate one, and it'll depend on your situation/passion/goals, but a job does not HAVE to be permanent. You do not have to live a life that someone else wants for you- it's YOUR life. YOU get to choose what you want to do with it, even if the path there is real fucking rough for a little while.

If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping you from putting your foot down and leaving? What's stopping you from experimenting with another life path? Is it money? Family? The fear of the unknown? I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I'm just genuinely curious as to what barricades you have in your way.

 

[seigfried]

I'm so sorry about the circumstances, they sound immensely difficult.

Have you ever told your dad that you don't want to be a truck driver? I know you said he's a drinker and a volatile man, so don't tell him if it jeopardizes your safety. If not, have you ever told any of your siblings that you genuinely hate what you do, and that it's crushing your will to live? I think it's important for your family to KNOW just how much you hate it.

If you and your middle brother share a truck, the good news is that if you do quit/change careers, your middle brother can have the truck completely and your father won't have to buy a fourth one. It's not like the truck will be going to waste.

As for life skills, you're young. You can always learn, and IF you wanted to go to college, they have online classes you can take or tech/trade degrees that are 2 years! You could also theoretically get a temporary job (bartender, etc) to tide you over until you decide what you'd like to do.

I was just on the phone with my oldest brother, i told him about how it's affecting me mentally especially with the sleep deprivation. he told me how i can just have my brother drive one day and i drive the other but i can't because i think i would try ending myself if i was ever in the truck alone, and i can't let my brother drive alone because that would be unfair to him, he also has a lot of mental problems. last week my mom woke me up at 6am for no reason after i had a 20 hour work day and i freaked out on her and started throwing shit and yelling at her, i felt terrible about it after and i apologized to her over and over again but mentally i still feel that anger and sadness that nobody respects me enough to even let me catch up on sleep on my day off.

my brother told me i have to just put my head down and work for the moment and hopefully in a few months when we pay the truck off i can think about changing careers but not now. he said trucking is just in a bad spot right now because of gas prices. hence why im not getting paid at all and won't be getting paid for the next few months. so im just working long day and getting sleepless nights and getting nothing from it at all.

My dad knows i don't like this job, im only doing it because i dont know what else to do. btw my dad isn't a raging alcoholic that's his father that lives in another country. i mean my dad was for my entire life up until a year ago when he decided to quit drinking, i was addicted to drinking too and told him when he quit i would never drink again and ive held that promise. he's pretty calm now but he still treats me like a disappointment. my body is giving up on me from the lack of sleep and food but i don't know what else to do for the moment.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I can completely see how this is destroying your life and I'm sorry you're in these circumstances.

But can't your point out something that seems kind of obvious to me? This cannot possibly be good for your physical safety on the road and for others. I genuinely do not want something to happen to you, but at this point it sounds dangerous.I'm not trying to freak you out, but maybe you need to try to freak your father out that you don't trust yourself to get in an accident simply from lack of sleep. I think being sued sounds worse than not paying off the truck.