Story struggling to remain strong

[broken81]

I have been reading these forums for the past few weeks and think maybe noting down my issues might help me.

I`ll try to keep my story brief, I have never been able to keep friendships I have put it down to maybe I'm a hard person to speak to. I remember years ago having 100s of people on msn Messenger but one day I realised I always instigated the conversations. I remember deciding I would stop talking to people for a week and see if anyone talked to me and nope no one ever did. Between 12-18 and struggling with bullying on a daily basis this is when I first thought about suicide.

fast forward and I some how I managed to fumble through life, I got married have a children and my wife was my best friend. I had no circle of people to confide in and my wife is my rock. Then after 10+ years she changed and I remained the same. Maybe I took my eye of the ball but as she stopped talking to me I felt alone, isolated and just going through the motions. This is when suicidal thoughts started up again. I knew I was getting a bit too close when suicide was not scary but it became a warm blanket, I would spend hours dreaming up scenarios it became ..comforting. At that point I decided to tell my wife which was tough but helped at the time. I was given CBT and things looked up.

I find myself now though struggling with so many mixed emotions, I found out my wife was messaging other men which nearly broke me. We are working through it, but I am dealing with a flood of emotions its even harder now to work through than ever. If its not suicide its paranoia, jealously, anger, fear, resentment, loneliness.

I hope I can get through it and writing this down may help. Looking back over my life friendship seems to be my biggest driver in feeling meaningless in life. I used to act like being a loner was fine but I have come to realise I need social interaction.

 

[scottyy]

Damn man thats terrible. I'm sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. After hearing all that it's no surprise that you're struggling.
I also have for a long time found solace in ideation. But sometimes I wind up just scaring the shit out of myself with my vivid imagination.

 

[Valky]

Wooo, okay, I am proud of you for writing all this, I hope it already helped a bit to just vent and know that people read and acknowledge your pain.

Please remember, you are not the same person you were when you were a teenager. Others yours age are also not the same. There is nothing wrong with you, they were the problem for bullying you, not you for being bullied.

You are most likely a lovely person and just don't know it because you are missing that validation and self confidence.

So here are some tips that might help form connections with others:

-Work (if possible) just have a few chit-chats with your work colleagues here and there and it may develop to a deeper level of connection and maybe you can even go out with them every now and then to spend some time.

-Hobbies! Bonding over hobbies is great because you already share the same quality of being passionate about your hobby. Therefore, this is also a great way to strike up conversations and form connections. Especially if that hobby is done in a group. I know that it is scary at first but eventually they will accept you and it will get easier and easier.

-Going to a place with people. It doesn't have to be overly overcrowded or something where you have to be very extroverted to make it work. Maybe a coffee shop, a bar or just to park. Find similarities and just talk to others about them. I am sure many would really love that but of course not everyone so don't worry if you meet some grumpy person, remember, you are not the problem and not at fault.

-Volunteering. Of course this depends on the type of volunteering you would like to do. But especially working with others will be of great help. They will appreciate you not only for being there but because it shows that you are a compassionate person (people really admire that, bffr).


Now, how to start conversation??
- be open and friendly, try to smile and show that you are interested in what you are saying or they are
-ask them a question about something they seem to show interest in!! You see someone walking a talk? Ask about the breed, the name, the character, etc!
-start by talking about yourself! This of course means, that you gotta give them space to reply and talk about themselves as well! See someone just enjoying the sun outside? Say that you also love a calm afternoon, spent in nature. (If that is the case, haha).
- doing small favours. Love this one, especially with colleagues. You don't have to wait for someone to say something, you see someone struggling, offer to help and bond over that!!

Remember, even if something goes wrong and it doesn't work out, you are not the problem, it is okay to not be compatible with everyone (and would be kind of weird, ngl).


I am glad that you found someone so comforting in your life but I really do think that it is important to have connections outside of that.
I am sorry that that situation happened with your wife tho. Just a reminder, it's okay and normal to face hard patches during a relationship. Don't blame yourself or think that you are not enough. The fact that you are working together through it just shows that you and your partner have enough trust and love for each other to make it work together. It's okay to be confused and disappointed but I am sure that she did not mean to hurt you.

How about trying therapy if these feelings persist? Or couple counselling? I think that these things are definitely worth a shot, especially if it helped before.

Phew, anyways, I hope this can help a bit, wishing you all the best and remember to keep going, you are doing amazing!! <3

 

[broken81]

Wooo, okay, I am proud of you for writing all this, I hope it already helped a bit to just vent and know that people read and acknowledge your pain.

Please remember, you are not the same person you were when you were a teenager. Others yours age are also not the same. There is nothing wrong with you, they were the problem for bullying you, not you for being bullied.

You are most likely a lovely person and just don't know it because you are missing that validation and self confidence.

So here are some tips that might help form connections with others:

-Work (if possible) just have a few chit-chats with your work colleagues here and there and it may develop to a deeper level of connection and maybe you can even go out with them every now and then to spend some time.

-Hobbies! Bonding over hobbies is great because you already share the same quality of being passionate about your hobby. Therefore, this is also a great way to strike up conversations and form connections. Especially if that hobby is done in a group. I know that it is scary at first but eventually they will accept you and it will get easier and easier.

-Going to a place with people. It doesn't have to be overly overcrowded or something where you have to be very extroverted to make it work. Maybe a coffee shop, a bar or just to park. Find similarities and just talk to others about them. I am sure many would really love that but of course not everyone so don't worry if you meet some grumpy person, remember, you are not the problem and not at fault.

-Volunteering. Of course this depends on the type of volunteering you would like to do. But especially working with others will be of great help. They will appreciate you not only for being there but because it shows that you are a compassionate person (people really admire that, bffr).


Now, how to start conversation??
- be open and friendly, try to smile and show that you are interested in what you are saying or they are
-ask them a question about something they seem to show interest in!! You see someone walking a talk? Ask about the breed, the name, the character, etc!
-start by talking about yourself! This of course means, that you gotta give them space to reply and talk about themselves as well! See someone just enjoying the sun outside? Say that you also love a calm afternoon, spent in nature. (If that is the case, haha).
- doing small favours. Love this one, especially with colleagues. You don't have to wait for someone to say something, you see someone struggling, offer to help and bond over that!!

Remember, even if something goes wrong and it doesn't work out, you are not the problem, it is okay to not be compatible with everyone (and would be kind of weird, ngl).


I am glad that you found someone so comforting in your life but I really do think that it is important to have connections outside of that.
I am sorry that that situation happened with your wife tho. Just a reminder, it's okay and normal to face hard patches during a relationship. Don't blame yourself or think that you are not enough. The fact that you are working together through it just shows that you and your partner have enough trust and love for each other to make it work together. It's okay to be confused and disappointed but I am sure that she did not mean to hurt you.

How about trying therapy if these feelings persist? Or couple counselling? I think that these things are definitely worth a shot, especially if it helped before.

Phew, anyways, I hope this can help a bit, wishing you all the best and remember to keep going, you are doing amazing!! <3

Hi thank you for this , its appreciated.

I have been doing some actively already, although I do find making friends later in life is hard! I have always been introverted and avoid public spaces or people so putting myself out there is difficult but not impossible.

I think I just needed to write something down instead of stewing in my own mind.

thank you and Scottyy, I always welcome advice.

 

[CoffeeN]

I know a really good place for u talk to people, whatever u r into gaming, anime, singing, just chatting, join the discord and talk with strangers , make friends, I am an introvert and I swear it is easier to make friends online. And as mentioned in the previous post spend quality time with urself via hobbies. Best of luck