dragonofenvy
Mage
- Oct 8, 2023
- 564
You hear so much about how the more effort you put in the more successful you'll be. Simple mathematics, the more you input, the more you output. If you're not successful it's because you don't have the knowledge, dedication, skills, or talent to succeed. It's your fault you're unhappy. You need to do better.
For 15 years I told myself I could be happy. I just needed to try more. I needed to try to talk to people to make friends. I needed to work hard at school no matter how painful it was. I look back at my life and sometimes think of myself as a fictional character. I was born autistic, I first tried killing myself at age 8, I was bullied for all of my school years, went through trauma for many years, but wait! He started turning things around! He worked 40 hours per week at a minimum wage job while balancing school, he worked so hard, he went to college, made friends, got into a happy relationship, got a great job, and managed to build a loving family and now lives happily with them.
That's how it works in the stories. The poor underdog character always manages to turn things around, look back at the challenges they faced, and say that those challenges gave them the strength to be successful and happy. The truth is I worked 40 hours per week at a minimum wage job while balancing school to try to pay for college and that money was sucked into a black hole while I tried to treat my depression (mental hospitals are expensive). I did manage to go to college, and never made any friends there. I never finished my major because nobody wanted interns during COVID-19, even interns with perfect grades. I never found a career I wanted. I will never be financially secure or be in a relationship.
You struggle for so long. You try your best to make things better. You know some things are out of your control, you know some things about yourself and your life can't be changed, but you try anyway. You can't change how you were born, who your parents were, and where you lived as a child. You still tried your hardest because something would change. If you just put in enough effort you wouldn't be miserable. Does that sound like any of you?
I look back now at my childhood, and how alone I was. From the ages 3-12 I spent every day after school playing video games in the basement. Eventually, my parents said that it was the video games that were the reason I was doing so poorly. Age 12-13 I sat in the basement watching cartoons every day, alone. At ages 14-20, I tried to turn things around. I tried to make friends. I just couldn't. I spent every day in my bedroom playing video games to cope with how horrible I felt. Despite this, I always had the hope that, even if I couldn't make friends I could at least have a successful career. I tried. I couldn't. I have wasted my entire childhood. I'm wasting my adulthood. I thought there would be something more than just... wasting away each day. I guess for some lucky people there is.
Those who are happy and successful have told me that it's my fault, it's because I have a shitty attitude and need to just try harder. I did try. I have put so much more effort into living a better life than many other people have. What saddens me the most is that there are people worse off than I am who put in so much more than I do just to survive. Effort isn't the only thing that's at play here. They don't fathom that.
Last month I turned 23. I live alone in an apartment. I haven't had friends in 5 years. I sometimes go for up to two weeks without speaking. Tomorrow I start a new job with 9-hour days at minimum wage (with tips, so I suppose it's too terrible). I no longer enjoy anything. I spend every day in a daze dreading the next one. This was my reward for struggling with the challenges that being autistic bestows, for dealing with constant loneliness, and trauma. For putting in my best effort to improve my life. My reward for soldiering through misery was misery.
Today, I'm done trying. We don't live in a book. We live in a reality where, unfortunately, billions suffer, and people have the gall to say your misery is your fault. Just keep going, one day things will get better. There is no way they will ever understand.
For 15 years I told myself I could be happy. I just needed to try more. I needed to try to talk to people to make friends. I needed to work hard at school no matter how painful it was. I look back at my life and sometimes think of myself as a fictional character. I was born autistic, I first tried killing myself at age 8, I was bullied for all of my school years, went through trauma for many years, but wait! He started turning things around! He worked 40 hours per week at a minimum wage job while balancing school, he worked so hard, he went to college, made friends, got into a happy relationship, got a great job, and managed to build a loving family and now lives happily with them.
That's how it works in the stories. The poor underdog character always manages to turn things around, look back at the challenges they faced, and say that those challenges gave them the strength to be successful and happy. The truth is I worked 40 hours per week at a minimum wage job while balancing school to try to pay for college and that money was sucked into a black hole while I tried to treat my depression (mental hospitals are expensive). I did manage to go to college, and never made any friends there. I never finished my major because nobody wanted interns during COVID-19, even interns with perfect grades. I never found a career I wanted. I will never be financially secure or be in a relationship.
You struggle for so long. You try your best to make things better. You know some things are out of your control, you know some things about yourself and your life can't be changed, but you try anyway. You can't change how you were born, who your parents were, and where you lived as a child. You still tried your hardest because something would change. If you just put in enough effort you wouldn't be miserable. Does that sound like any of you?
I look back now at my childhood, and how alone I was. From the ages 3-12 I spent every day after school playing video games in the basement. Eventually, my parents said that it was the video games that were the reason I was doing so poorly. Age 12-13 I sat in the basement watching cartoons every day, alone. At ages 14-20, I tried to turn things around. I tried to make friends. I just couldn't. I spent every day in my bedroom playing video games to cope with how horrible I felt. Despite this, I always had the hope that, even if I couldn't make friends I could at least have a successful career. I tried. I couldn't. I have wasted my entire childhood. I'm wasting my adulthood. I thought there would be something more than just... wasting away each day. I guess for some lucky people there is.
Those who are happy and successful have told me that it's my fault, it's because I have a shitty attitude and need to just try harder. I did try. I have put so much more effort into living a better life than many other people have. What saddens me the most is that there are people worse off than I am who put in so much more than I do just to survive. Effort isn't the only thing that's at play here. They don't fathom that.
Last month I turned 23. I live alone in an apartment. I haven't had friends in 5 years. I sometimes go for up to two weeks without speaking. Tomorrow I start a new job with 9-hour days at minimum wage (with tips, so I suppose it's too terrible). I no longer enjoy anything. I spend every day in a daze dreading the next one. This was my reward for struggling with the challenges that being autistic bestows, for dealing with constant loneliness, and trauma. For putting in my best effort to improve my life. My reward for soldiering through misery was misery.
Today, I'm done trying. We don't live in a book. We live in a reality where, unfortunately, billions suffer, and people have the gall to say your misery is your fault. Just keep going, one day things will get better. There is no way they will ever understand.
