h4ppyhypoxia
Experienced
- Aug 8, 2026
- 247
anticipating my mums reaction to my death makes me sad, but not really because i feel bad for her, i genuinely dont anymore, i just dont feel like she has a right to mourn me, i know thats evil, but the only reason she would actually care is simply because she is my mother and i am her son, not because she values me as a person outside that relationship, its biologically assigned grief
i think its because she got older, but shes calmed down a bit, she only makes the odd horrible comment now, but she threatened to kill me twice when i was a teenager, one time she pulled a sharp knife from the kitchen (holy non method she needs to read the pinned megathreads on SanctionedMurder
), the other time she put her hands tightly around my neck, i didnt fight back, because i genuinely did not care if i died or not, i feel like if you have threatened to kill someone TWICE, and actually made a move to do that, you dont get to be sad when that person dies
she is the only reason im alive, but not because i feel bad about causing her pain, but because i dont want to be interrupted by her and saved, i have had some good times with her, but im not sure why, as i get closer to my date, i only resent her more, i dont like to blame other people for my problems, but she genuinely did create a lot of vulnerabilities in me that were later exploited by other people, she never shouldve had me in the first place, it makes me feel sick to think about her crying over my death and everybody giving her sympathy when i know deep down that if i was given proper nurturing as a child, then maybe id have the right "skills" to be able to handle life
does anyone else get annoyed that its natural to grieve when someone dies? i dont feel like she deserves to, which sounds horrible to say, but you cant treat a person in ways that psychologically break them for years, and then get sad when they actually reach a breaking point, shes not really a reason why im doing this, but moreso one of the root causes of the problems that are leading me to this
i want the people who I (as a person, not a simple social role) to be able to grieve me, they actually knew me, they brought light into some of my darkest days, and i hate the fact that just because she is my mother, her grief will be considered "worse" or "more painful" than my best friends who actually loved me unconditionally in the eyes of scoiety, i hate that she will be the one to plan my funeral, i hate that she will be the first one that is called when i die, id rather my friends put together my funeral, but what do 19 year olds know about that stuff?
i think its because she got older, but shes calmed down a bit, she only makes the odd horrible comment now, but she threatened to kill me twice when i was a teenager, one time she pulled a sharp knife from the kitchen (holy non method she needs to read the pinned megathreads on SanctionedMurder
), the other time she put her hands tightly around my neck, i didnt fight back, because i genuinely did not care if i died or not, i feel like if you have threatened to kill someone TWICE, and actually made a move to do that, you dont get to be sad when that person diesshe is the only reason im alive, but not because i feel bad about causing her pain, but because i dont want to be interrupted by her and saved, i have had some good times with her, but im not sure why, as i get closer to my date, i only resent her more, i dont like to blame other people for my problems, but she genuinely did create a lot of vulnerabilities in me that were later exploited by other people, she never shouldve had me in the first place, it makes me feel sick to think about her crying over my death and everybody giving her sympathy when i know deep down that if i was given proper nurturing as a child, then maybe id have the right "skills" to be able to handle life
does anyone else get annoyed that its natural to grieve when someone dies? i dont feel like she deserves to, which sounds horrible to say, but you cant treat a person in ways that psychologically break them for years, and then get sad when they actually reach a breaking point, shes not really a reason why im doing this, but moreso one of the root causes of the problems that are leading me to this
i want the people who I (as a person, not a simple social role) to be able to grieve me, they actually knew me, they brought light into some of my darkest days, and i hate the fact that just because she is my mother, her grief will be considered "worse" or "more painful" than my best friends who actually loved me unconditionally in the eyes of scoiety, i hate that she will be the one to plan my funeral, i hate that she will be the first one that is called when i die, id rather my friends put together my funeral, but what do 19 year olds know about that stuff?
