Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,182
This is a fictional story. It is how I am choosing to vent about my problems with a particular situation
I have to make the conscious choice to avoid him. I've managed to pull it off via text, with a simple "I am mentally unwell so I can't talk" type of message. He respected it and gave me my space. But now school is back open for the semester. I will inevitably see him in person. We share some of the same classes so it's even worse. I suppose you are wondering why I am avoiding him. He's a great guy. Sweet, kind, cute, and treats me with respect. The issue is me. I am jealous of him. I lived a life of being abused and mistreated by everyone. Abused by my mom, neglected by my dad, hurt by bullies in all walks of life, and so on. It has left me broken, in pain, and constantly trying to end my life. Whereas he had it much differently. He is positive and happy, has a loving family and healthy friends. He also never suffered much bullying. He literally has the perfect life. A life I will never have. I mean sure I could go to therapy and stuff and get help. But what is the point if I don't want help? Whatever, I guess all I have to do now is get to school.
As I am making way towards my locker, I am met with a few familiar faces. No one speaks to me though, as I don't have many college friends. And that's another thing. I can't seem to make friends. I have even been abused and bullied here. It sucks and hurts badly. But of course, he has a bunch of friends. Something I don't have. Ugh, my life just sucks overall. As I fumble with my combination lock, I feel a light tap on my shoulder. Instinctively I turn around and see him. He smiles widely and opens his arms for a hug "hey! It's been forever since we've spoken! How are ya!". Normally I would hug him back, but this time I do nothing. This time I just stare at him with a sense of anger. I turn to him and say "I am doing terrible. Now leave me alone". At that point I instantly regret my words. His face goes from bright and sunny to confused and down. He puts his arms down as he stares at me confusingly. "Huh? Why are you like this? Is it something I did?" and I let him have it "No, it's not you. Its me. I am jealous of your life. I am jealous of your success. How great you are. How you have a better life than me. How you were never bullied or abused or experienced significant mental health issues. But I do. I want to kill myself every day. I want to hurt myself every day. And whenever I see you, I see the everything I wish I was. And because I can't be like you, I choose to hate you. It's obvious that because of my issues we can't be together. You are better off finding someone healthier than I am". I take a few deep breaths. My body feels week and my knees are buckling. I can feel sweat forming at my forehead. He stares back at me in awe. The other students are looking at me as well. Seeing the level of embarrassment, I created, I decide to walk past him. I heard light snickers and giggles as I walked past the other students. "what's wrong with her?" "is she mentally insane?" "I hope he dumps her ass." Is what I hear. I can't exist like this. As I make it outside the university, I decided to walk towards the bridge. No way I can turn back now. I ruined a potential boyfriend, I ruined my reputation and most of all, I ruined my life
I have to make the conscious choice to avoid him. I've managed to pull it off via text, with a simple "I am mentally unwell so I can't talk" type of message. He respected it and gave me my space. But now school is back open for the semester. I will inevitably see him in person. We share some of the same classes so it's even worse. I suppose you are wondering why I am avoiding him. He's a great guy. Sweet, kind, cute, and treats me with respect. The issue is me. I am jealous of him. I lived a life of being abused and mistreated by everyone. Abused by my mom, neglected by my dad, hurt by bullies in all walks of life, and so on. It has left me broken, in pain, and constantly trying to end my life. Whereas he had it much differently. He is positive and happy, has a loving family and healthy friends. He also never suffered much bullying. He literally has the perfect life. A life I will never have. I mean sure I could go to therapy and stuff and get help. But what is the point if I don't want help? Whatever, I guess all I have to do now is get to school.
As I am making way towards my locker, I am met with a few familiar faces. No one speaks to me though, as I don't have many college friends. And that's another thing. I can't seem to make friends. I have even been abused and bullied here. It sucks and hurts badly. But of course, he has a bunch of friends. Something I don't have. Ugh, my life just sucks overall. As I fumble with my combination lock, I feel a light tap on my shoulder. Instinctively I turn around and see him. He smiles widely and opens his arms for a hug "hey! It's been forever since we've spoken! How are ya!". Normally I would hug him back, but this time I do nothing. This time I just stare at him with a sense of anger. I turn to him and say "I am doing terrible. Now leave me alone". At that point I instantly regret my words. His face goes from bright and sunny to confused and down. He puts his arms down as he stares at me confusingly. "Huh? Why are you like this? Is it something I did?" and I let him have it "No, it's not you. Its me. I am jealous of your life. I am jealous of your success. How great you are. How you have a better life than me. How you were never bullied or abused or experienced significant mental health issues. But I do. I want to kill myself every day. I want to hurt myself every day. And whenever I see you, I see the everything I wish I was. And because I can't be like you, I choose to hate you. It's obvious that because of my issues we can't be together. You are better off finding someone healthier than I am". I take a few deep breaths. My body feels week and my knees are buckling. I can feel sweat forming at my forehead. He stares back at me in awe. The other students are looking at me as well. Seeing the level of embarrassment, I created, I decide to walk past him. I heard light snickers and giggles as I walked past the other students. "what's wrong with her?" "is she mentally insane?" "I hope he dumps her ass." Is what I hear. I can't exist like this. As I make it outside the university, I decided to walk towards the bridge. No way I can turn back now. I ruined a potential boyfriend, I ruined my reputation and most of all, I ruined my life
