Still want to die even when I should feel happy

[dynastickitten]

I wonder if I'm broken, or if I'm just plain ungrateful. Can be lying there with my girlfriend, engaging in good old pillow talk after having sex and still crave the feeling of a shotgun in my mouth. Went to visit some longtime friends over the week last week and felt so unbelievably suicidal the entire time. It was like a physical thing that was genuinely choking me, clogging up my throat and making it difficult to speak. I've been doing a lot of clubbing lately, a lot of partying, a lot of different things that should take up the empty space in my head and replace these thoughts, and it just doesn't. Used to be that I could distract myself and it's not really working anymore.

One of the only times in which I'm not just imagining how it'll feel to finally end my life is when I do something very few other people can, like getting a horse to do haunches-in on the straight in a single training session (though I don't necessarily consider my job to be essential, so accomplishments like this can feel a bit silly and insignificant sometimes.)

I'm worried I'll eventually lose the ability to feel good then too. I wonder if I'm getting further and further from recovery instead of making progress.

 

[Unhumanly.]

rather die in a period of life where it's all good, than living long enough to worry about how things might getting worse?

 

[dynastickitten]

rather die in a period of life where it's all good, than living long enough to worry about how things might getting worse?

I want to live. I want to make it through this. I've survived so much up until this point; asshole horses, an attempted murder or two, sexual assault, a lethal overdose, several car accidents, cross country touring in some of the most dangerous cities in the US, and so much more and THIS is how I'm gonna go out? That seems so anti climactic.

I'm trying so, so hard to trudge through this bout of suicidal ideation, but this one's got hands. I don't know if it'll kill me or not, but I'll be dragged through broken glass and turned inside out before I let that happen