Discussion Still here…

[SolomonKado]

What caused you to stay after you made the initial reason to CTB? Like already have the materials and ready to go.

I woke up from a bad dream and grabbed my phone to message someone. Then I forced myself to put it down. I have no one to message. Everyone has left me and it feels like it's my fault. Like with me being so "destroyed" it caused people to put distance between us.

I hear every once in a long while someone tells me someone else is worried about me. Why couldn't they tell me themselves? What are they so worried about? Why is it I try and message someone and I get nothing back? Is this what my life has succumbed to? Always been like underneath? Were all relationships fake and only there when they needed something from me at the time.

As much as I love my three dogs I should already be gone. They are dragging this out for me. I have to believe they will be okay since I set up money to go to my sister to take care of them… by worrying about them I continue this hell of an existence…. please let me go…

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Main reason I stuck around was my cats, because they'd been with me all their lives and I didn't trust anyone to take care of them and love them the way I did. My idea was that I'd be free to off myself after my cats died. I started seeing my therapist the week after I had to put down my eldest cat. Two months later, my youngest died too. By that point, my suicide plans were on hold because I was lucky enough to land with a fantastic therapist, and I felt like I was making some progress. Eventually, I ended up adopting a kitten whom the vet had rescued after being attacked and hurt by some feral dog or cat on the street.

He's sleeping on the couch next to me as I type this. There are days where I still feel like this whole thing is pointless, and the best thing I could do is just off myself. But I don't trust anyone to take care of this little guy the way I do, and the work with my therapist has been very productive. So, I stick around. I made some life changes, and I have some things I look forward to now. In the back of my mind I feel I'll end up killing myself at some point, once I'm out of reasons to stick around, but today is not the day I'll do it. One day at a time.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

I stay for my partner, I love him to death so this is my last run at life, I Fuck up and lose him or majorly Fuck up then that's it I'm gone. I'm so close to going all my plans are ready, but I stay for him.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I don't know why I'm still here. Maybe it's hope, or maybe I'm just a coward after all. My cat died 3 months ago and my wife left the next day, and I don't have any real friends to talk with. I've had everything set for about a month now but just can't do it for some reason. Like I'm stalled out and waiting for something but I don't know what. There's nothing holding me here and I was gung-ho about CTB for so long and then I froze.

Thought about getting a cat because my family has been hounding me to try and get something so I'm not alone all the time. Considering I'm hanging on by fibers and barely able to care for myself it would be cruel to bring a small animal here. They probably think that if I have a new cat that I'd have a reason to continue, but I never got to mourn the cat I just lost. My wife left me the morning after I had him put to sleep. So I only had 1 night to mourn him before my focus was shifted. Honestly if I had peaceful or quick means available at the time I wouldn't be here now, but all I had was hanging and I couldn't finish the job then.

Hopefully I find what I need soon because this living stuff is shit.

 

[SolomonKado]

I don't know why I'm still here. Maybe it's hope, or maybe I'm just a coward after all. My cat died 3 months ago and my wife left the next day, and I don't have any real friends to talk with. I've had everything set for about a month now but just can't do it for some reason. Like I'm stalled out and waiting for something but I don't know what. There's nothing holding me here and I was gung-ho about CTB for so long and then I froze.

Thought about getting a cat because my family has been hounding me to try and get something so I'm not alone all the time. Considering I'm hanging on by fibers and barely able to care for myself it would be cruel to bring a small animal here. They probably think that if I have a new cat that I'd have a reason to continue, but I never got to mourn the cat I just lost. My wife left me the morning after I had him put to sleep. So I only had 1 night to mourn him before my focus was shifted. Honestly if I had peaceful or quick means available at the time I wouldn't be here now, but all I had was hanging and I couldn't finish the job then.

Hopefully I find what I need soon because this living stuff is shit.

I am so sorry you are having to suffer through all of those things. It's a terrible life going through torment and not finding peace for yourself.

Some people can turn it around in an amazing way like @TransilvanianHunger and that's freaking awesome, but then there's the ones who just can't seem to get a break.

Try to get a therapist and it's another bad one, family that treats you like crap, having social anxiety because of past experiences with others, a yearning to be with someone even though there is so much pain from past experiences, past experiences of forcing yourself to keep trying and it was bad experience after another leading you to this place again.

I just wish everyone had the possibility to turn it all around for the best, but some of us were just meant to have a life where the universe tells us "your not supposed to be here."

 

[アホペンギン]

I stay here because of personal problems. Nothing to do with making anyone feel bad but because these problems prevent me from advancing in my ctb plans. My family has brought me to this point, and after death this existence isn't any of my concern anyways.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Fear of failure and the experience that's it. And some.lingering attachment to certain things in life.

 

[Mauve87]

Sorry you're going through this. Isolation and loneliness can really mess with your mind

Personally I couldn't bring myself to traumatize my family.
I used to be a shut in (stayed in my room for 10 years) and was going to hang myself at home.

My attempt made me realise I have nothing to lose. So I will try to be more social and make some friends. Maybe things will get better.

However therapy is exhausting and I don't know for how long I can keep it up before I try to take my life again

 

[SnowWhite]

What caused you to stay after you made the initial reason to CTB? Like already have the materials and ready to go.

I woke up from a bad dream and grabbed my phone to message someone. Then I forced myself to put it down. I have no one to message. Everyone has left me and it feels like it's my fault. Like with me being so "destroyed" it caused people to put distance between us.

I hear every once in a long while someone tells me someone else is worried about me. Why couldn't they tell me themselves? What are they so worried about? Why is it I try and message someone and I get nothing back? Is this what my life has succumbed to? Always been like underneath? Were all relationships fake and only there when they needed something from me at the time.

As much as I love my three dogs I should already be gone. They are dragging this out for me. I have to believe they will be okay since I set up money to go to my sister to take care of them… by worrying about them I continue this hell of an existence…. please let me go…

I'll be honest, a failed attempt followed by a sense of guilt that is still with me. Maybe I'll try again in the future, but right now I can't help but feel like those around me who are already struggling would only suffer more upon my exit. I felt awful, and there was a brief window where I thought I was getting better and my life was starting to get better, but epilepsy followed by being unable to work have worsened the problems I've always had. It's rough but all that keeps me alive right now is spite towards a few people who want me dead, and guilt about those who want me alive.

 

[strawb12]

I currently have an amazing partner who I really don't want to hurt. I'm committed to ctbing & I definitely will eventually but right now I just can't do that to them. They would be destroyed & they deserve so much better than that.