Story Still here, still suffering

[onegoodreason]

It's been a long time since I've been here. Thought I'd keep trying to make things work, but things have really degenerated lately. Seems I keep making choices that have whittled my world down to my room and the kitchen. I spend the entire day on the computer on social media mostly, watch videos on what's going on in the world (talk about depressing?!), not even working out regularly like I used to. Feel like I'm now just a stain at the bottom of my very deep hole, no longer bouncing a little at the bottom, just completely flat. I've been mean to our sick senior kitty cuz he started peeing on the counter the other day, trying to keep him off (feeling very bad/guilty). Got a in a huge fight with husband about it yesterday, or I should say he yapped at me while I pretty much ignored him. I find I"m being hard on myself, too, which is different. My self talk has turned a bit nasty. I'm not eating anything today, fasting. Been suffering with my IBS the last several days, too, big energy drain there. I am feeling very stressed about a situation that's happening here which is also contributing bigly and am very afraid we will shortly be evicted from our own house and wind up on the street, where I KNOW I won't last long. We have next to no money between us, just my soc. sec. and I'm trying to make it stretch as far as possible, but it's not far enough. We're doing NOTHING to prepare for trouble. I'm not looking for helpful advice other than a good, reliable, accessible, inexpensive method that isn't painful that'll kill me fairly quickly, like everyone else?! Was gonna do N from A years ago, but couldn't afford it then and still can't, and I suspect he's no longer in biz anyway (does anyone know?). Just need a place to vent where I know I'll be understood cuz I have NO ONE to talk to who could take it in without trying to fix me. I don't want to be fixed right now. I just want to die to be with my Angel Kitties again, keep praying for it but God's not obliging at the moment. The depression is really burying me this time like it never has before. I don't know if I care anymore, don't think so. Yep, poor little ole me. ffs

 

[jphouellebecq]

It sounds like you have so much pain you are dealing with. I am sorry and can empathize with that. Feeling isolated, even from one's own spouse/partner is such a strong pain to endure. I'm sure you feel lost in a sea that keeps swelling and bogging you down, and for that I am sorry.

 

[enough of this]

It's been a long time since I've been here. Thought I'd keep trying to make things work, but things have really degenerated lately. Seems I keep making choices that have whittled my world down to my room and the kitchen. I spend the entire day on the computer on social media mostly, watch videos on what's going on in the world (talk about depressing?!), not even working out regularly like I used to. Feel like I'm now just a stain at the bottom of my very deep hole, no longer bouncing a little at the bottom, just completely flat. I've been mean to our sick senior kitty cuz he started peeing on the counter the other day, trying to keep him off (feeling very bad/guilty). Got a in a huge fight with husband about it yesterday, or I should say he yapped at me while I pretty much ignored him. I find I"m being hard on myself, too, which is different. My self talk has turned a bit nasty. I'm not eating anything today, fasting. Been suffering with my IBS the last several days, too, big energy drain there. I am feeling very stressed about a situation that's happening here which is also contributing bigly and am very afraid we will shortly be evicted from our own house and wind up on the street, where I KNOW I won't last long. We have next to no money between us, just my soc. sec. and I'm trying to make it stretch as far as possible, but it's not far enough. We're doing NOTHING to prepare for trouble. I'm not looking for helpful advice other than a good, reliable, accessible, inexpensive method that isn't painful that'll kill me fairly quickly, like everyone else?! Was gonna do N from A years ago, but couldn't afford it then and still can't, and I suspect he's no longer in biz anyway (does anyone know?). Just need a place to vent where I know I'll be understood cuz I have NO ONE to talk to who could take it in without trying to fix me. I don't want to be fixed right now. I just want to die to be with my Angel Kitties again, keep praying for it but God's not obliging at the moment. The depression is really burying me this time like it never has before. I don't know if I care anymore, don't think so. Yep, poor little ole me. ffs

You sound so much like me - so much in common. Let me know if you'd care to chat. ♥

 

[onegoodreason]

You sound so much like me - so much in common. Let me know if you'd care to chat. ♥

Hi, thanks for your response. I don't think I'm ready to chat just yet, though. Good to know you're there!

 

[enough of this]

Hi, thanks for your response. I don't think I'm ready to chat just yet, though. Good to know you're there!

I understand. Feel free to let me know anytime you feel up to it.
Many Blessings To You. ♥

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring what you are going through and of course it's certainly understandable wishing to finally be free from everything, I find it awful how existing here can very easily get much worse and I hate how it's so difficult to die. I think a peaceful, accessible, quick, straightforward and reliable method would be far too good to be true especially as this society is very anti suicide, sadly suicide just isn't that straightforward.