Still here on the not-so-merry-go-round

[deleted442]

Hello,

I'm still here too. I didn't think I would be. I had it planned. My birthday. 25th of June. As it turned out people still love me despite all I've done. Despite the BPD and all the shit that's gone wrong. And I've fucked up a lot. People say it's human nature but some folks seem to get an easier ride.

I ended up losing over a grand at a Casino on my birthday just because I thought, fuck it I won't need the money when I'm gone…Great idea dickhead, now you've made your life even more difficult. Well done.

What makes it so hard to pull the plug on life is relationships with others. I've opened up to people around me. Told them that I want to die. Told them that I've attempted and failed. The day not that long ago that I took a lit bbq into my bathroom and closed the door.

I still want to die and I'm certain I'll try again. It's people around me, trying their best to give me reasons to stay alive that's stopping me. People I will hurt, not
intentionally but I will.

But I'm going to die someday so why not a day of my choosing?
Being kind to myself is choosing a method that's the most peaceful. I tried hanging the day after my birthday but it obviously failed.

I don't recommend partial unless you're really committed. In fact I don't recommend any method unless really committed. I tried to violently pull down on the rope with my head and the knot pulled through on the door handle. So I'm just left with a sore throat that hasn't gone away. Another genius move.

When people around me already know Im suicidal, I figured it will come as less of a shock now they know.

My sister bought me this book for my birthday which I've just read. Another troubled soul…and I thought some of the shit I've done and said was bad. Still doesn't want to stop me kms though. He is him and I'm still me.

Everyday is like torture from the inside out. What I fail to fix on the inside manifests on the outside. It becomes my reality which is just shit.

 

[BrokenBones]

Hello there. I'm at a bit of a loss for words right now as I'm going through it. But I want you to know you aren't alone. I understand to an extent. I'm running out of reasons that are holding me back though… besides the fact I'm worried I won't be able to perform and fail once again as I've attempted many times and I'm still alive.

I'd explain the feeling I have now as an acceptance. I've noticed my mental health patterns are getting worse, I've been to the mental hospital 14 times in the past 15 years, I see what I'm doing to people, I see that I'm burning out and I'm a burden. I don't want it anymore… I don't want the pain, the misery or the suffering. I just want it all to stop. I've gotten to the point where I can literally turn my emotions on and off. I realize most of the world really just doesn't care it's run by a bunch of emotionless sheep. Idk why I'm ranting here friend… I'm just. Talking I guess because it's nice to be able to say these things where no one is going to judge.

 

[TheHuman]

What you have gone through is nothing anyone should have to go through to ctb. Its also to note the people who are trying to keep you in this world, and guilt tripping you by saying they love you, when that might not even be true, but they don't want to ctb since they are ignorant, pro-lifers. I just wish you could have gotten the quick, and peaceful death you so desired. I hate how badly the world has treated you.

 

[silentvoice]

Hello,

I'm still here too. I didn't think I would be. I had it planned. My birthday. 25th of June. As it turned out people still love me despite all I've done. Despite the BPD and all the shit that's gone wrong. And I've fucked up a lot. People say it's human nature but some folks seem to get an easier ride.

I ended up losing over a grand at a Casino on my birthday just because I thought, fuck it I won't need the money when I'm gone…Great idea dickhead, now you've made your life even more difficult. Well done.

What makes it so hard to pull the plug on life is relationships with others. I've opened up to people around me. Told them that I want to die. Told them that I've attempted and failed. The day not that long ago that I took a lit bbq into my bathroom and closed the door.

I still want to die and I'm certain I'll try again. It's people around me, trying their best to give me reasons to stay alive that's stopping me. People I will hurt, not
intentionally but I will.

But I'm going to die someday so why not a day of my choosing?
Being kind to myself is choosing a method that's the most peaceful. I tried hanging the day after my birthday but it obviously failed.

I don't recommend partial unless you're really committed. In fact I don't recommend any method unless really committed. I tried to violently pull down on the rope with my head and the knot pulled through on the door handle. So I'm just left with a sore throat that hasn't gone away. Another genius move.

When people around me already know Im suicidal, I figured it will come as less of a shock now they know.

My sister bought me this book for my birthday which I've just read. Another troubled soul…and I thought some of the shit I've done and said was bad. Still doesn't want to stop me kms though. He is him and I'm still me.

Everyday is like torture from the inside out. What I fail to fix on the inside manifests on the outside. It becomes my reality which is just shit.

You seem like the type of person who lives out their life their own way and tries their best to not hurt others given the circumstances you're in. Those are really good traits to have! I'm sure that the people around you see that as well considering that they care enough about you to try to stop you from dying. I think you should be a little kinder to yourself at least and I really wish you happiness.

Hello there. I'm at a bit of a loss for words right now as I'm going through it. But I want you to know you aren't alone. I understand to an extent. I'm running out of reasons that are holding me back though… besides the fact I'm worried I won't be able to perform and fail once again as I've attempted many times and I'm still alive.

I'd explain the feeling I have now as an acceptance. I've noticed my mental health patterns are getting worse, I've been to the mental hospital 14 times in the past 15 years, I see what I'm doing to people, I see that I'm burning out and I'm a burden. I don't want it anymore… I don't want the pain, the misery or the suffering. I just want it all to stop. I've gotten to the point where I can literally turn my emotions on and off. I realize most of the world really just doesn't care it's run by a bunch of emotionless sheep. Idk why I'm ranting here friend… I'm just. Talking I guess because it's nice to be able to say these things where no one is going to judge.

I wish you the best and I hope you find happiness too. You're a lot stronger than you think.

 

[deleted442]

I hear you. @BrokenBones.
For someone to read our words and not judge. Absolutely.
Nobody has walked in the shoes of another, can be inside the mind of another and feel what they feel.
This forum is a supportive place to let off some steam.

 

[FuneralCry]

Failing the hanging method really sounds so horrible to me, I wish that it's easier to finally escape from all the suffering as I get that it's tiring feeling trapped here, I think that those who have the option of peaceful methods in this world where suicide is purposely made so difficult certainly are fortunate. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[deleted442]

In and out of consciousness the mind begins it's final fight.

"But my own wings were not for such a flight, except, smiting through the mind of me, there came fulfilment in the flashing of a light."

 

[suicidalloser]

This forum is a supportive place to let off some steam.

+
To find working methods.