Whats stopping me...
The fear...
The fear of failure. The fear that ill wake up in a state worse than i currently am.
This isnt somthing thats come out of nowhere, this feeling has been building for many years as the quality of life starts to curve downwards. The outlook of that happy perfect future slipping beyond the horizon. Ive known this is what i want for longer than id like to admit. But i suppressed those feelings and went through each day not living, just existing.
Now i can sense the time is drawing closer. Ive never been anxious before until i realised that i have no solid way out. No backed guarentee that once i do it there will be no turning back and now im stuck in limbo unable to leave and unwilling to go on. Forced to participate in this game of life that i so long ago gave up on, i must continue to roll the dice each turn until an option is availible... the whole thing drives me crazy, pushing me to look for answers that i cant seem to find. Will this work, how do i find this, what are the issues, will it be quick, will it be painful. These increase my anxiety making it harder to be a part of everyday life, in a never ending loop spiraling downwards. I know how this ends. Just not sure when.
Ctb doesnt scare me, infact i embrace the thought and feeling.
Failing... failing is what keeps me here...