Still hanging in but when does it get better

[jajajaja]

I miss my old life a couple years back dearly. Sure, I had my problems still back then, but they were your average growing-up problems y'know. Nowadays, it's really weird. I have my happy moments, but the feeling of complacency is setting in. This is my new normal: being miserable all the time with moments of happiness and motivation sprinkled in. I can't pass on, it's too difficult. But god, I wish it was easy to. I have family and friends I still care about, and they're the only ones really why I'm still here.

But a scary thought sits in the back of my mind. How much longer can they really help? Who knows, but it's sure not getting easier. I try so hard to self-improve and make myself good enough for the woman I'm currently in love with, (yes same woman from my previous posts). It feels like I lost, and I know it's not a healthy way of thinking about love, but honestly, that doesn't mean it's not the brutal truth. She simply might just not love me. All I wanted was her to love me.

But besides that, anxiety over the future is killing me slowly. I'm at a point where I have to think long and hard about what the rest of my life will look like, but it's a strange feeling I get thinking about it. Where will I work? Who will I love? Anyone? Where will I live? Anywhere? Will I even want to be alive in another year. I really don't know.

So I ask you all. When did it get better for you? Or has it not? Honestly I just want to know, how are y'all hanging in? I wonder if we deal with the same problems stranger.

 

[Ash]

I feel that every time things have improved, something happens and I'm back where I started. People in a good place try to tell me it's two steps forward, one step back but to me it feels like two steps forward, five back. And each time I fall flat on my face, it's harder to get back up.

I keep plodding on as I got a new dog a few years ago when I was in a good place and thought I'd properly recovered. Skip forward five years and I've got a responsibility that I hate myself for even thinking about walking away from, and as much as I adore her, part of me wishes I hadn't gone to see the litter as then I'd probably be dead right now otherwise.