Venting Still attached to my abuser (idk what to do with this shit)

[burglarlydante]

I am extremely attached to my abuser (in this case my biological father), and even after he did everything he did to me, I still love him and wouldn't live without him, and I still blame myself for everything that happened to me.
I feel like if I had been born "normal" he wouldn't have done what he did to me.
Idk, I just feel like shit, because of everything that happened to me since I was very young.
I was never truly loved by him, he was just very possessive and unhealthy obsessed with me.
If I wasn't his, I couldn't be anyone else's.
He molested me, attacked me, blackmailed me, psychologically tortured me, cursed me and scared me with psychological and physical violence.
Anyway, he was a monster to me, but at the same time I still feel extremely emotionally attached to him.
On his "positive side", I don't know how to explain it but I still feel the need to have him as a father, which will never happen.
Fortunately or unfortunately.
I just think about dying and never thinking about anything that comes from this mediocre life that I lead as a result of these traumas.
I love/hate my biological father, which ends up being quite paradoxical and makes me mentally ill more and more every day haha I'm a mess.

 

[its.all.gone]

I understand your confusing cannot hate/cannot love or both love/hate situation.
call it trauma bond or no where else to go and got used to the trauma even after knowing it is very bad for you.
hummm well life sucks and we end up in these stuck confusing no way to get out situations.
just really need a peaceful way to exit this world