NutOrat
Sleepwalking
- Jun 11, 2025
- 32
Hi. I've been away from the website for a few weeks, I thought that maybe it wasn't exactly helping with my mental state, especially as I was visiting my first """""psychologist""""". Or maybe I was just so lazy or tired and just didn't want to think about anything or read anything or write anything. Even writing this right now is like an insurmountable task for me, as stupid as that sounds.
Point is - nothing changed. I'm still as suicidal as I was, hell maybe more now that I've payed twice for what could only be described as talking to a wall of concrete. That wasn't therapy, I have no idea what that was. No encouragement, no advice, no real feedback of any kind. Instead she decided to talk about fucking Inside Out, and explain how it deconstructs the brain or some shit. I must have terrible memory, or I just cared so little because I remember none of what she was talking about. Anyway, maybe I'm the asshole who was talking all the time and not letting her speak, but I feel like she kind of immediately realized that I'm a lost cause with my views on life and that she can't do anything, but she encouraged me to come again bc.. well, she makes pretty good money from that. Also when I asked her if she could diagnose ADHD or autism and she said only psychiatrists do. That's flat out wrong, especially as she doesn't call herself a mh professional or therapist, but a psychologist. But that might be the problem with Russian language, as we don't really have a distinction. Also everyone just calls themselves professional psychologists, even though she was like a freelancer or something and I'm not sure if she's really licenced.
I've been trying to just not think about anything and just play video games and stuff like usual but it just doesn't work, it feels so bad. And I think being away from SaSu actually made it harder to cope. At least here I have an outlet to cry about my issues in an environment that doesn't immediately get defensive against me, and not saying how lucky I am and that I'm an ungrateful little bitch who just cries instead of getting shit done. You think I don't know that?! Do you realize how many things from my head you're affirming by saying this? It hurts enough, just rub it in even more, yeah? (adressed to someone close to me who clearly cares for me deeply. I know they mean good, but they don't realize how much worse they make it).
Anyway, engagement question! Do you think frequenting SaSu has had a negative/positive/no effect on your mental state? I still don't know, I think even if it does worsen my mood it's so insignificant compared to the pain I feel already, and also.. it just feels nice to be here, with people who are also struggling, most much more than me, and not feel alone like I do irl. Or maybe I'm delusional. Yes, I am, but that's besides the point. Peace!
Point is - nothing changed. I'm still as suicidal as I was, hell maybe more now that I've payed twice for what could only be described as talking to a wall of concrete. That wasn't therapy, I have no idea what that was. No encouragement, no advice, no real feedback of any kind. Instead she decided to talk about fucking Inside Out, and explain how it deconstructs the brain or some shit. I must have terrible memory, or I just cared so little because I remember none of what she was talking about. Anyway, maybe I'm the asshole who was talking all the time and not letting her speak, but I feel like she kind of immediately realized that I'm a lost cause with my views on life and that she can't do anything, but she encouraged me to come again bc.. well, she makes pretty good money from that. Also when I asked her if she could diagnose ADHD or autism and she said only psychiatrists do. That's flat out wrong, especially as she doesn't call herself a mh professional or therapist, but a psychologist. But that might be the problem with Russian language, as we don't really have a distinction. Also everyone just calls themselves professional psychologists, even though she was like a freelancer or something and I'm not sure if she's really licenced.
I've been trying to just not think about anything and just play video games and stuff like usual but it just doesn't work, it feels so bad. And I think being away from SaSu actually made it harder to cope. At least here I have an outlet to cry about my issues in an environment that doesn't immediately get defensive against me, and not saying how lucky I am and that I'm an ungrateful little bitch who just cries instead of getting shit done. You think I don't know that?! Do you realize how many things from my head you're affirming by saying this? It hurts enough, just rub it in even more, yeah? (adressed to someone close to me who clearly cares for me deeply. I know they mean good, but they don't realize how much worse they make it).
Anyway, engagement question! Do you think frequenting SaSu has had a negative/positive/no effect on your mental state? I still don't know, I think even if it does worsen my mood it's so insignificant compared to the pain I feel already, and also.. it just feels nice to be here, with people who are also struggling, most much more than me, and not feel alone like I do irl. Or maybe I'm delusional. Yes, I am, but that's besides the point. Peace!
