illvoid
he/it
- Aug 11, 2022
- 125
i just want to function normally. i wish I didn't push everyone away. i wish I knew what it is specifically that makes me such an awful person. i don't understand what's wrong with me and all I want is to stop being this way. i feel completely irredeemable and worthless. i don't understand why I am the way I am, but it feels like this pain never stops. I have friends and family in my life for now, but I've been through this so many times I know it's temporary. I only ever cause problems for other people. i destroy all my relationships within the first year, I vent my stupid feelings to my friends so often they want nothing to do with me, and I don't know how to regulate my emotions so I'm constantly one minor inconvenience away from sobbing. I have been described as explosive, dramatic, fragile, toxic, unstable and a lost cause by people who have put up with me in the past. I want to ctb so badly. I feel as though I don't deserve that relief, but I honestly don't care at this point. I don't understand why I am always hurt. I am in no place to feel this way, and I know this is probably just the consequences of my own actions but I can't take much more of it.
