Starting a reasons thread...tell me your reason for leaving

[thesighofleaves]

I'll go first.

My life has been on a downwards spiral for many years such that I feel like I'm being deliberately fucked with. Humans are mean and evil and will betray you even if they say they are friends and family and care. I also have a scary health issue that has the potential to make my life very, very bad, but not kill me, if it gets worse. But it's uncertain if it will get worse. Add chronic pain, depression, racial discrimination, sensory sensitivities, it's just all a mess. I don't want to be here anymore, it's not worth it.

I know people have all kinds of reasons. Every reason is valid though

 

[Afterglow]

I'm sorry your experience with humanity has gone that poorly. Mine hasn't been great myself. I can't imagine chronic physical pain mixed with the chronic mental pain as well.

I think my reasons are a mix of much smaller things that just kept piling up over time.

Lifelong alienation, never learning social rules or being able to develop IRL friends because of it. Repeatedly having my trust broken and being abandoned when I open up and show people the real me. Being forced to function in a society that isn't built for me, masking my way through every single day, every single interaction. The loss of my friends, and the trauma of being present for one of my friend's deaths.

It feels like my life just wasn't supposed to happen. What's wrong with me just doesn't feel like it can be fixed.

 

[vampyrzelda]

I think in many peoples cases, it is one "final straw" that may seem tiny in the longrun, but after a life of struggle was the deciding factor. My final straw was breaking down in my own car with my girlfriend, I can't remember what the fight was about. I just knew she didn't care how upset I was. I felt so worthless in that moment.

 

[bmoz.koom]

My inability to communicate/inability to trust other people.
Can't say what's wrong -> eats me alive until I feel dead inside -> begin ctb thoughts and tendencies

 

[prelapsarian]

slow-burn genocide against my particular demographic in my particular country, i see where all of this is eventually going and i'd rather leave on my own terms than someone else's. even if i'm wrong and it never escalates to the point of physical harm i can't imagine this suffocating social climate getting better again within my lifetime. i'm too mentally soft to live out the rest of a natural lifespan under this.

 

[Fadenself00]

Psych drug damage

 

[halfstay]

im bipolar. there's no cure for my mental illness and medications of all kinds do nothing at best, or make me vomit and spasm violently at worse. can't even take cold medication.
i want to live and be happy and I've tried really desperately to do so. by all means I'm technically functioning but my self harm tendencies are spiraling out of control.
so now I'm stuck between the decision of living in an endless cycle of psychotic mania followed by depressive episodes with SH that borders on mutilation, or ending my own life in a more peaceful and dignified matter. obviously I prefer the later but I'm a coward. more likely than not my SH or psychosis is gonna lead me to accidentally dying in an impulsive and painful way.
so ultimately my reason is to end the pain in a peaceful way. and I hope everyone else here is able to find some peace too, in whatever way that may be.

 

[_wishforwings]

Extreme loneliness from only having two friends who are both making a life for themselves while I rot at home and study at home. Used to have more friends but I can't hold a friendship for the life of me. I'm trans and my family would never be okay with it, untreated mental issues in general that i've tried and tried to get help for. Also some other things like a traumatic experience I had as a kid that no one knows about that I plan on keeping to the grave. Feels minor when I actually type it out but there's just so many reasons why I don't think continuing to live is worth it for me. I'm too anxious and terrified to ever be able to function and live on my own, and it's extremely hard for me to hold a job.

Definitely agree humans are often mean and evil :-( Feel like I have no reason to even try to meet new people anymore because we always stop talking eventually

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Nothing left but emptiness. Nobody to share moments with. Struggling to focus to get through days, to work, sleep, repeat. Life ended as I knew it and turned into an unreality of wrongness. It gets harder to hold onto a little hope while the downward spiral continues.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

To rejoin the spirit world.

 

[DeadManLiving]

TBI and lack of resources to survive after a wipeout at 9:59 on a Tuesday morning in 2020

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish to cease existing as for me non-existence is just all I see as positive in this dreadful and torturous existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel, I just find it so horrific how the torture of existing can continue for decades longer just for one to face the terrible extreme suffering of old age, to me existence really is an abomination that just causes harm and suffering torturing existing beings.

I'd just never wish for this, for me wanting death is a result of existence and this existence should just never be imposed, it's so horrible how humans cause all this torture, harm and suffering by imposing this existence.

To me existence really is a mistake and I find it torture every second to be conscious, for me wanting to cease existing is a result of wanting peace and only in the peace of non-existence will I be unable to suffer, I just want all to be gone, forgotten and erased for me, in this existence so torturous only non-existence is desirable.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Physical (chronic illness) and emotional pain (bpd, ptsd).

 

[itsgone2]

I led a poor life. Alienated everyone. I'm alone.
Except I had a good job. Great people. Was trying to be a better person.
Then company sold. New place is evil. Awful to work there. Job market sucks. I'm in such trouble.
I was awful. Work was my strength. And the world has changed. I'm weak and don't want to fight anymore. I'm trapped

 

[DungEater]

I have hundreds of reasons to ctb and no reasons to stay, i have no foreseeable future

 

[redsendtend]

I'll go first.

My life has been on a downwards spiral for many years such that I feel like I'm being deliberately fucked with. Humans are mean and evil and will betray you even if they say they are friends and family and care. I also have a scary health issue that has the potential to make my life very, very bad, but not kill me, if it gets worse. But it's uncertain if it will get worse. Add chronic pain, depression, racial discrimination, sensory sensitivities, it's just all a mess. I don't want to be here anymore, it's not worth it.

I know people have all kinds of reasons. Every reason is valid though

My reason for living turned out to be false, among other things which turned out to be false and superficial, so I don't really have a reason to live anymore. The shock and impact of the revelation of it being false was so grand that it really depressed me and discouraged any sort of motivation to try and make myself better in any case. Also became very pessimistic and hopeless.

I'm POC, grew up relatively well off, fell out with my family so moved out and realised that the world is literally only nice to you if you embody something that they covet. I thought racism wasnt real until i moved to rough neighbourhoods and really felt it. All my fundamental truths seem to be false and i cant be bothered to try because of the possibilty of being knocked down again, which seems likely amidst all this tragedy which seems to have cursed me.

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

I'm in an emotionally abusive marriage and just had a baby. My husband frequently puts our baby in danger but he'll gaslight me whenever I try to call him out on his actions. He's incredibly manipulative and I can see him trying to take our baby from me. I have no escape. I have to die

 

[thesighofleaves]

I'm in an emotionally abusive marriage and just had a baby. My husband frequently puts our baby in danger but he'll gaslight me whenever I try to call him out on his actions. He's incredibly manipulative and I can see him trying to take our baby from me. I have no escape. I have to die

Okay there's a lot I wanted to say to the other posters to commiserate with their stories but this is where I draw the line.

You just had a child, if you take your life what do you think he will do your child? What kind of life do you think it will lead? How much trauma and suffering will it endure?

I'm literally on this forum because my life went to absolute shit when my one caring parent died. She didn't care enough about me to try to fix her health, though, which she could have, and after her no one cared about me at all. If she had tried, if she'd lived for just a few more years, things could have gone so much better.

imo I'm sorry but if you want to end your life right after having a newborn child that's just wrong. You're gonna leave that child to be harmed and abused to save yourself.

It's wrong.

 

[Lost Impact]

There is no reason for something as useless and disgusting as me to exist in a world I was never meant for. I just bring misery to everyone I know. Eventually the disease in me spreads and starts to infect them with the rot. I just rot and rot. It's not living.

 

[FailureCycle]

My life has been a nonstarter. Every opportunity I get to change that never pans out. A lot of times it's my own fault, but sometimes it feels like I'm being gatekept. I've never had a partner because I was always focusing on other things, all of which failed to improve my life. I've always been alone and I'm stuck in a job I hate. If this is all my life is gonna be, I'd rather cut my losses sooner rather than later.

 

[geepeedee]

Lost my career and facing down a lifetime of wage slavery is too much to bear.

 

[no mas]

I'm in an emotionally abusive marriage and just had a baby. My husband frequently puts our baby in danger but he'll gaslight me whenever I try to call him out on his actions. He's incredibly manipulative and I can see him trying to take our baby from me. I have no escape. I have to die

Time out...don't even think of anything besides your baby. In the interim prepare to get out of there. Seek help from your family and friends if you can, also the local courts for an order of protection. You must to be strong and stand up for your baby. Years from now they'll be silently thankful you did all that you could on their behalf.
Maybe try a radical new approach to get your message through to him one more time before making your move to seperate.

 

[prelapsarian]

My reason for living turned out to be false, among other things which turned out to be false and superficial, so I don't really have a reason to live anymore. The shock and impact of the revelation of it being false was so grand that it really depressed me and discouraged any sort of motivation to try and make myself better in any case. Also became very pessimistic and hopeless.

I'm POC, grew up relatively well off, fell out with my family so moved out and realised that the world is literally only nice to you if you embody something that they covet. I thought racism wasnt real until i moved to rough neighbourhoods and really felt it. All my fundamental truths seem to be false and i cant be bothered to try because of the possibilty of being knocked down again, which seems likely amidst all this tragedy which seems to have cursed me.

I think we're talking about roughly the same realizations and reasons. I was stupid enough to believe their utopian promises too. The yearning for what I could've had is my literal first conscious thought upon waking up in the morning :(