5nicotine
Member
- Jan 3, 2024
- 27
A couple of weeks ago I was off my meds, feeling seriously depressed and having constant obsessive thoughts about my life that were so unbearable that I was about to start ordering materials for my primary method and was motivated to prepare backup methods for killing myself should the primary method not work out. Then I worked out with my psychiatrist that I would start on a lower dose of the last med I tried (antipsychotics for depression). It helped and my mood is better. The specific obsessive thoughts also went away.
However now I've just gone back to the obsessive thoughts that I didn't have time for in my mind while off the meds. My dysmorphic and the related anorexic thoughts have come back at full force and, even though I'm not that depressed anymore, the constant body checking is making me unable to work. I'm starting a new research project and I really need to get some work done and not fuck the whole thing up at the outset. Even if I didn't have these thoughts I'd be filling up my brain obsessing about how all of my friends hate me and how I'm a terrible person and friend. I was trying different meds for the entirety of last year and none of them helped with these thoughts. I've been in psychodynamic therapy for years and, even though I've become able to recognise that my thought are delusional, it doesn't really stop the thoughts from existing and being distressing.
I'm planning on keeping working with my psychiatrist on the meds and switching over to a therapist who does CBT, but to be honest I just don't care all that much and don't really expect to get better. I'm not at all excited for the future even though it looks like I'll be going forward socially and professionally. I'm too nihilistic to seriously care about anything political or the fact that the world is getting closer and closer to catastrophe, even though I have very strong opinions about things and in a different life would probably be working on doing something to make the world a better place. With all of this and the fact that my mental illness is such a chronic case I can rationally say that it would probably be better if I just managed to kill myself. The last time my anorexia was dangerous and this serious was when I was a teen and now it's come back. It's embarrassing how chronic I am.
I thought about suicide for all of last year and a couple of weeks ago I was so close. I fucked it all up because being depressed felt bad and I sought solace in the meds.
I think people have hope that I could become happier by just keeping on going, moving forward in my life and putting effort into trying new things. I can kind of see how that could happen, but I don't care, don't have motivation for it and will probably just keep going with the flow. How do I start believing in that? How do I cope with the fact that my life is so boring at the moment and will be for a while into the future? How do I not just end up getting energised and spending that energy on preparing my method?
I'm sorry that I ended up just venting and rambling about my life. I know that I shouldn't fill up the forum with shitty posts. Sorry.
However now I've just gone back to the obsessive thoughts that I didn't have time for in my mind while off the meds. My dysmorphic and the related anorexic thoughts have come back at full force and, even though I'm not that depressed anymore, the constant body checking is making me unable to work. I'm starting a new research project and I really need to get some work done and not fuck the whole thing up at the outset. Even if I didn't have these thoughts I'd be filling up my brain obsessing about how all of my friends hate me and how I'm a terrible person and friend. I was trying different meds for the entirety of last year and none of them helped with these thoughts. I've been in psychodynamic therapy for years and, even though I've become able to recognise that my thought are delusional, it doesn't really stop the thoughts from existing and being distressing.
I'm planning on keeping working with my psychiatrist on the meds and switching over to a therapist who does CBT, but to be honest I just don't care all that much and don't really expect to get better. I'm not at all excited for the future even though it looks like I'll be going forward socially and professionally. I'm too nihilistic to seriously care about anything political or the fact that the world is getting closer and closer to catastrophe, even though I have very strong opinions about things and in a different life would probably be working on doing something to make the world a better place. With all of this and the fact that my mental illness is such a chronic case I can rationally say that it would probably be better if I just managed to kill myself. The last time my anorexia was dangerous and this serious was when I was a teen and now it's come back. It's embarrassing how chronic I am.
I thought about suicide for all of last year and a couple of weeks ago I was so close. I fucked it all up because being depressed felt bad and I sought solace in the meds.
I think people have hope that I could become happier by just keeping on going, moving forward in my life and putting effort into trying new things. I can kind of see how that could happen, but I don't care, don't have motivation for it and will probably just keep going with the flow. How do I start believing in that? How do I cope with the fact that my life is so boring at the moment and will be for a while into the future? How do I not just end up getting energised and spending that energy on preparing my method?
I'm sorry that I ended up just venting and rambling about my life. I know that I shouldn't fill up the forum with shitty posts. Sorry.
