wobblycoatrack
Member
- Oct 5, 2023
- 33
I just started my first full time job a week ago and it's honestly making me consider giving up on recovery. I haven't had an attempt since I was 17, im 22 now. I've worked part time before and it's exhausting and draining but it never made me feel this fucked. Like what's the point? I work and work to only get to see my family on weekends because I'm to tired to do anything but cry and fall asleep? I've been getting self harm urges more again and CTB is seeming more and more enticing by the day. It's only been a week and I already feel like everything is just pointless, I'm gonna be doing this every day for the next 40 or 50 years for what? Money? I don't have the energy to do anything fun with it, the privilege of being alive? Not much of a privilege when every other thought is about how I should CTB. My anxiety and depression is getting worse and I just want to die. What's the point in living when everything's just grey and lifeless and there's no end date in sight. I've always dreamt of having a family and kids but even that just seems so exhausting it doesn't bring me any hope right now. I can't tell my boyfriend any of this cos he's been working full time much longer than me and is just as tired. It would just be unfair to put that burden on him and at the moment all I can think when I look at him is how much better and easier his life would be without me weighing him down. How much easier everyone's lives would be if I was gone, one less worry and annoyance for everyone. I just want a hug and to be told it's all gonna be ok and that it'll get better even though I know it's a lie.
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