Start of my journey: had a sibling who died on SS, now I’m here

[tookalongvacation]

I've just made my account today but I've had accounts before. My brother was on this site and committed suicide through methods suggested on here to him. I used to fucking despise this website with my entire heart. This is my introduction to my journey to where I want to be. I've struggled with mental illness since i was around 5. Suicidal thoughts never came about til I was a young teenager. On and off I've been okay, I got my degree, I have had amazing jobs, amazing relationships, amazing friends and I've still been unhappy during those times. I'm now a young adult and I've tried everything to be happy. I've lost most of my friends, jobs, I'm struggling financially, I struggle with an eating disorder, I have trauma that cuts me into pieces every single day and am not in contact with a lot of my family. The only thing stopping me from ctb is my family that I do have and fear. I'd be terrified to do it. I truly can't see any other way out, I've tried many different SSRI's, CBT, counselling, self-care, surrounding myself with positive people etc and nothing works. I know I am doomed. It sounds pathetic and I am still in my early 20s but I know I'm doomed. My family is drowning in mental illness, I can't get over my trauma, my life is currently unbearable (I struggle to even leave the house so I force myself to work but it's hard), my friends are next to none and I just can't do it anymore. I need to talk to people who understand, it doesn't matter if you're younger or older, whatever situation you're in i just want someone to talk to. I can't carry on. For the last short period of my life I need some comfort here.

 

[U. A.]

Sad to welcome you.
Wow, the fact your brother passed after time here and now you've wound up here, after hating the place - that's a unique situation.

Only thing I have to ask is: can you imagine a life you'd want to live? If so, can you imagine the path to it, and what the first step would be? Can you identify fundamental missing things?
Many here find the "conventional" methods to improvement at their core are insufficient. The "mental health" factory (random drugs, shitty therapists, toxic positivity) are not fundamentally designed to help - though in some cases they may - and there may be another way for you.

 

[unluckysadness]

so sorry for you and your brother i hope you'll find the peace you deserve

 

[tookalongvacation]

Sad to welcome you.
Wow, the fact your brother passed after time here and now you've wound up here, after hating the place - that's a unique situation.

Only thing I have to ask is: can you imagine a life you'd want to live? If so, can you imagine the path to it, and what the first step would be? Can you identify fundamental missing things?
Many here find the "conventional" methods to improvement at their core are insufficient. The "mental health" factory (random drugs, shitty therapists, toxic positivity) are not fundamentally designed to help - though in some cases they may - and there may be another way for you.

I appreciate your kind words. It is a unique situation, I understand my brother now more than ever. I send you my love and thoughts, my dms are always open, shoot me a message whenever because right now all I need is non-judgemental presences in my life and I could try be there for you too (non-judgemental too of course).

I can imagine a life I'd want to live. The first step would be stability. Financially, relationship wise, friendship wise, family wise, none of these things are going to happen anytime soon. I agree that mental health 'help' isn't designed for everyone- I've never found it beneficial. Elements in my life are FAR too fractured to repair and even if so it would take years. It's not that I haven't tried, I absolutely have. I don't think I have the strength to wait years. I just want peace. Even a 'good life' comes with its struggles. This is me saying that I have TRIED. So so hard.

so sorry for you and your brother i hope you'll find the peace you deserve

Thank you so much. I hope you do too.

 

[rottingnymph]

I've just made my account today but I've had accounts before. My brother was on this site and committed suicide through methods suggested on here to him. I used to fucking despise this website with my entire heart. This is my introduction to my journey to where I want to be. I've struggled with mental illness since i was around 5. Suicidal thoughts never came about til I was a young teenager. On and off I've been okay, I got my degree, I have had amazing jobs, amazing relationships, amazing friends and I've still been unhappy during those times. I'm now a young adult and I've tried everything to be happy. I've lost most of my friends, jobs, I'm struggling financially, I struggle with an eating disorder, I have trauma that cuts me into pieces every single day and am not in contact with a lot of my family. The only thing stopping me from ctb is my family that I do have and fear. I'd be terrified to do it. I truly can't see any other way out, I've tried many different SSRI's, CBT, counselling, self-care, surrounding myself with positive people etc and nothing works. I know I am doomed. It sounds pathetic and I am still in my early 20s but I know I'm doomed. My family is drowning in mental illness, I can't get over my trauma, my life is currently unbearable (I struggle to even leave the house so I force myself to work but it's hard), my friends are next to none and I just can't do it anymore. I need to talk to people who understand, it doesn't matter if you're younger or older, whatever situation you're in i just want someone to talk to. I can't carry on. For the last short period of my life I need some comfort here.

Hey so this probably sounds insane but I believe i worked with your brother and i am unfortunately in the same boat. Please message me we both have to be stronger and keep going for him. I am also in my early 20s and am in weekly therapy on ssris and getting on new meds but nothing is really working anymore. Please reach out to me and I am sorry this was a lot at once.

 

[tookalongvacation]

Hey so this probably sounds insane but I believe i worked with your brother and i am unfortunately in the same boat. Please message me we both have to be stronger and keep going for him. I am also in my early 20s and am in weekly therapy on ssris and getting on new meds but nothing is really working anymore. Please reach out to me and I am sorry this was a lot at once.

Hey, I'll try to message you. We can try to stay sane together. I made my account yesterday so I don't think I can actually message you right now. Do you know how to fix this?

 

[Esc9434]

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I'm sorry to hear about your own hardships too.

I hope you find another solution outside of ctb to solve your problems. Cause this is going to hit your family hard.

If you cannot find another solution, then could you do your best to make sure backlash doesn't come to this site from your loved ones?

A good portion of members genuinely do get better and continue living due to the support received here.

Edit: How did you find out about this site btw?

 

[Csmith8827]

Was Daxter your brother?

 

[Surehskis the man]

i can understand what you are going through...Hugs

Was Daxter your brother?

who is daxter ? sorry I am new...

 

[tookalongvacation]

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I'm sorry to hear about your own hardships too.

I hope you find another solution outside of ctb to solve your problems. Cause this is going to hit your family hard.

If you cannot find another solution, then could you do your best to make sure backlash doesn't come to this site from your loved ones?

A good portion of members genuinely do get better and continue living due to the support received here.

Edit: How did you find out about this site btw?

Hey, thanks for the kind words. I know it'll hit them hard but it isn't something I'm taking lightly. My plans are to ctb unless a miracle happens.

I'll make sure my devices are all destroyed and my account is scheduled for deletion before I go.

I found out through my brother who passed, authorities found it on his phone when he was found.

Was Daxter your brother?

No, I have no idea who Daxter is sorry! I won't be mentioning my brothers name just so I can keep things as discreet as possible whilst I'm going through this. I don't want things to get worse than they are.

 

[rottingnymph]

Hey, I'll try to message you. We can try to stay sane together. I made my account yesterday so I don't think I can actually message you right now. Do you know how to fix this?

Okay so i tried to message you and It told me i don't have permissions to message people. I also literally made my account last night. I wonder if it might take a bit for us to be able to? I am still here for you though and i would honestly just drop my number but i know this not the website to do that.

 

[eupdplishlp]

I've just made my account today but I've had accounts before. My brother was on this site and committed suicide through methods suggested on here to him. I used to fucking despise this website with my entire heart. This is my introduction to my journey to where I want to be. I've struggled with mental illness since i was around 5. Suicidal thoughts never came about til I was a young teenager. On and off I've been okay, I got my degree, I have had amazing jobs, amazing relationships, amazing friends and I've still been unhappy during those times. I'm now a young adult and I've tried everything to be happy. I've lost most of my friends, jobs, I'm struggling financially, I struggle with an eating disorder, I have trauma that cuts me into pieces every single day and am not in contact with a lot of my family. The only thing stopping me from ctb is my family that I do have and fear. I'd be terrified to do it. I truly can't see any other way out, I've tried many different SSRI's, CBT, counselling, self-care, surrounding myself with positive people etc and nothing works. I know I am doomed. It sounds pathetic and I am still in my early 20s but I know I'm doomed. My family is drowning in mental illness, I can't get over my trauma, my life is currently unbearable (I struggle to even leave the house so I force myself to work but it's hard), my friends are next to none and I just can't do it anymore. I need to talk to people who understand, it doesn't matter if you're younger or older, whatever situation you're in i just want someone to talk to. I can't carry on. For the last short period of my life I need some comfort here.

That's so much for one person to be going through I undersatnd your suffering and an feel your pain in your words. You're a very good writer and at expessing yourself. I'm also new here and it's helped a lot connecting with others in the same situation. i can't imagine the pain of loosing a sibling to suicide. I lost contact with them which was very isolating and know how valuable they can be. Suffering from the age of 5 is horrific I truly am sorry you got born into a life like that. I'm also in early 20s tried every service mental health has to offer the last decade but it all leads me back to the same feelings. I commend you on being able to work at all is such an incredible acheviement considering what you've been through. I heard a phrase like "every rock unturned is still sucess"

 

[tookalongvacation]

Okay so i tried to message you and It told me i don't have permissions to message people. I also literally made my account last night. I wonder if it might take a bit for us to be able to? I am still here for you though and i would honestly just drop my number but i know this not the website to do that.

That's okay!! Here for you too. I'll get up to 5 posts and message you then :)

That's so much for one person to be going through I undersatnd your suffering and a feel your pain in your words. You're a very good writer and at expessing yourself. I'm also new here and it's helped a lot connecting with others in the same situation. i can't imagine the pain of loosing a sibling to suicide. I lost contact with them which was very isolating and know how valuable they can be. Suffering from the age of 5 is horrific I truly am sorry you got born into a life like that. I'm also in early 20s tried every service mental health has to offer the last decade but it all leads me back to the same feelings. I commend you on being able to work at all is such an incredible acheviement considering what you've been through. I heard a phrase like "every rock unturned is still sucess"

Your comment kind of made my day. That really warmed my heart. Thank you for the kind words, eternally grateful. Once I'm able to message on this account I'll dm you and we can maybe be here for one another. You sound like a wonderful person. Mental health services are very hit or miss, I'm sorry you haven't had any success with them.

 

[blackwidow]

Okay so i tried to message you and It told me i don't have permissions to message people. I also literally made my account last night. I wonder if it might take a bit for us to be able to? I am still here for you though and i would honestly just drop my number but i know this not the website to do that.

Play the games on here that's the key to be able to message each other.. And write posts about anything. I hope you both manage to support each other!

 

[secretghost]

So sorry for your loss, and wishing you better days and lots of love

 

[tookalongvacation]

T

Play the games on here that's the key to be able to message each other.. And write posts about anything. I hope you both manage to support each other!

Thank you so much. Sending love to you!

 

[Parnate]

I

I've just made my account today but I've had accounts before. My brother was on this site and committed suicide through methods suggested on here to him. I used to fucking despise this website with my entire heart. This is my introduction to my journey to where I want to be. I've struggled with mental illness since i was around 5. Suicidal thoughts never came about til I was a young teenager. On and off I've been okay, I got my degree, I have had amazing jobs, amazing relationships, amazing friends and I've still been unhappy during those times. I'm now a young adult and I've tried everything to be happy. I've lost most of my friends, jobs, I'm struggling financially, I struggle with an eating disorder, I have trauma that cuts me into pieces every single day and am not in contact with a lot of my family. The only thing stopping me from ctb is my family that I do have and fear. I'd be terrified to do it. I truly can't see any other way out, I've tried many different SSRI's, CBT, counselling, self-care, surrounding myself with positive people etc and nothing works. I know I am doomed. It sounds pathetic and I am still in my early 20s but I know I'm doomed. My family is drowning in mental illness, I can't get over my trauma, my life is currently unbearable (I struggle to even leave the house so I force myself to work but it's hard), my friends are next to none and I just can't do it anymore. I need to talk to people who understand, it doesn't matter if you're younger or older, whatever situation you're in i just want someone to talk to. I can't carry on. For the last short period of my life I need some comfort here.

I have started this new antipsychotic lumateperone and it has helped me with my depression. I am not completely better but in batter place than before.

 

[TBONTB]

I've just made my account today but I've had accounts before. My brother was on this site and committed suicide through methods suggested on here to him. I used to fucking despise this website with my entire heart. This is my introduction to my journey to where I want to be. I've struggled with mental illness since i was around 5. Suicidal thoughts never came about til I was a young teenager. On and off I've been okay, I got my degree, I have had amazing jobs, amazing relationships, amazing friends and I've still been unhappy during those times. I'm now a young adult and I've tried everything to be happy. I've lost most of my friends, jobs, I'm struggling financially, I struggle with an eating disorder, I have trauma that cuts me into pieces every single day and am not in contact with a lot of my family. The only thing stopping me from ctb is my family that I do have and fear. I'd be terrified to do it. I truly can't see any other way out, I've tried many different SSRI's, CBT, counselling, self-care, surrounding myself with positive people etc and nothing works. I know I am doomed. It sounds pathetic and I am still in my early 20s but I know I'm doomed. My family is drowning in mental illness, I can't get over my trauma, my life is currently unbearable (I struggle to even leave the house so I force myself to work but it's hard), my friends are next to none and I just can't do it anymore. I need to talk to people who understand, it doesn't matter if you're younger or older, whatever situation you're in i just want someone to talk to. I can't carry on. For the last short period of my life I need some comfort here.

I'm so sorry your story has so much difficulty. The loss of your brother, the mental illness. I admire your effort to pursue healing. And I hope this site can be a source of comfort.

I'm definitely pro-choice, but I always "secretly" hope for healing and peace. So I'll say I also wish you that. Hope you find the right person/people to chat with here.

Oh, and congratulations on showing up for work. That's a big commitment.

 

[CatLvr]

As everyone here, I am also sad your brother has passed on. Life can seem so unfair so much of the time. But your brother is now at peace. I sincerely hope that you can find peace in that knowledge. Remember the better times you two had together.

And if you need to talk we are here. May peace be with you, dear.

 

[tookalongvacation]

I

I have started this new antipsychotic lumateperone and it has helped me with my depression. I am not completely better but in batter place than before.

So happy for you that you've found some relief, may you keep going onwards and upwards I'll look into it, thanks for mentioning this. I have been offered anti-psychotics before.

I'm so sorry your story has so much difficulty. The loss of your brother, the mental illness. I admire your effort to pursue healing. And I hope this site can be a source of comfort.

I'm definitely pro-choice, but I always "secretly" hope for healing and peace. So I'll say I also wish you that. Hope you find the right person/people to chat with here.

Oh, and congratulations on showing up for work. That's a big commitment.

I appreciate your kind words more than you know. Thank you. It's already been a source of comfort to be honest.

That's how I am too. I hope you find the same

As everyone here, I am also sad your brother has passed on. Life can seem so unfair so much of the time. But your brother is now at peace. I sincerely hope that you can find peace in that knowledge. Remember the better times you two had together.

And if you need to talk we are here. May peace be with you, dear.

Thank you sending you love. I'm also here if anyone needs to talk at all.