Yes, yes I do. I really struggle with this because I know suicide threats are abuse in a lot of situations, and I don’t want my last words to be abusive. But ya, I’ve thought about/written some of my note and there are a few people who will be getting told some heavy shit. My mother, who I hate and love most in the world, and my abusive psycho ex boyfriend, who I’m sure couldn’t care less if I ctb anyway. But it will be there anyway. Oh and my mother’s husband, I don’t have anything Kind to say to him and he will certainly be included for the atrocities he did to me.
The spitefulness is really what changes my timeline. I am here on this site because I know one day this is how I’m going to die, it’s obviously inevitable. My plans have been getting more real lately, but a lot of the time I want to live. I actually have a pretty good life, just incredibly haunted by my past and by the way the world is around me. When the ptsd flairs up I really want to ctb and I shame myself for not doing it the last time this happened because I knew I would be here again, and death is the only thing that is going to end this. Really I have given therapy and all kinds of woo a good shot. Therapy helps! No amount of therapy can change what happened or the world around me though, and I’m sorry, I do not believe in this whole pretend it’s not so bad thing, it really is that bad or there, people just don’t want to see it so they can cope and function. So usually I don’t want to do it right away until the trigger(s) happens and then I would be willing to do it right then and there.
Lately I’ve been wanting to speed up my timeline a bit for a couple reasons. One I’m afraid the drugs I want to use will be harder to obtain in the future, and I really don’t want a messy or failed attempt. Two I kind of do want to spite some people before they get to die first, like my mom. She was cruel! Judge me all you fuckin want but I hate her.
Just hoping I can get my drugs, and put together a solid dosing plan, and have that on hand for whenever this needs to happen. Having the plan really makes me feel more in control and like I don’t have to do this (life) if I don’t want to, which I’m turn makes me happier