Spiteful

[Tiredman]

Anyone else feel really strong feelings against a person or people for making them want to ctb?

My old employer ruined my physical and mental health which pushed me over the edge to want to ctb. When I write my note I'll be sure to emphasize everything they did to me so that maybe they'll pay for what they did or atleast feel guilty and responsible for my death. Those bastards screwed me out of being able to work so I'll return the favour.

 

[Tiburcio]

People didn't ruined my mental health. They just was extremely aggresive and infuriating with me. Yeah I hate them all.

 

[InAust.]

I think people just don't care or are sadistic. I think most people lack compassion but just play nice.

I can't change others and realise I don't want anything to do with them. I realise any action whatsoever e.g. letter writing etc. against those that have done wrong is pointless for me. I can't advise anyone else though. Do whatever you think is right for you.

I truly wish the world was a different place, but here we are.

 

[Quality of Living]

I sure as hell do.

I remember when I first started my descent into wage-slavery (such a flattering concept, I know) at a grocery store and was promptly chastised for making trivial, "newbie" mistakes.

From my perspective, I would describe myself as someone who overthinks simple tasks, often over-complicating things in the process. This did not mesh well with the overall working environment.

Plus, all of the passive aggressive bullshit that I've had to endure ("Oh, QoL can't close so-and-so section down quick enough? Joe over there did it in an hour and he's only been here 3 months). I don't give a fuck if those cunts were able to close it faster. Did they check their work afterwards? Did they rotate everything, preventing headaches for the next shift crew? My parents aren't any better.

I'm living in my car eating beans out of a can, bathing in public restrooms. And it's summertime. Fuck this life.

 

[Acid_Phreak]

Yes, yes I do. I really struggle with this because I know suicide threats are abuse in a lot of situations, and I don't want my last words to be abusive. But ya, I've thought about/written some of my note and there are a few people who will be getting told some heavy shit. My mother, who I hate and love most in the world, and my abusive psycho ex boyfriend, who I'm sure couldn't care less if I ctb anyway. But it will be there anyway. Oh and my mother's husband, I don't have anything Kind to say to him and he will certainly be included for the atrocities he did to me.

The spitefulness is really what changes my timeline. I am here on this site because I know one day this is how I'm going to die, it's obviously inevitable. My plans have been getting more real lately, but a lot of the time I want to live. I actually have a pretty good life, just incredibly haunted by my past and by the way the world is around me. When the ptsd flairs up I really want to ctb and I shame myself for not doing it the last time this happened because I knew I would be here again, and death is the only thing that is going to end this. Really I have given therapy and all kinds of woo a good shot. Therapy helps! No amount of therapy can change what happened or the world around me though, and I'm sorry, I do not believe in this whole pretend it's not so bad thing, it really is that bad or there, people just don't want to see it so they can cope and function. So usually I don't want to do it right away until the trigger(s) happens and then I would be willing to do it right then and there.

Lately I've been wanting to speed up my timeline a bit for a couple reasons. One I'm afraid the drugs I want to use will be harder to obtain in the future, and I really don't want a messy or failed attempt. Two I kind of do want to spite some people before they get to die first, like my mom. She was cruel! Judge me all you fuckin want but I hate her.

Just hoping I can get my drugs, and put together a solid dosing plan, and have that on hand for whenever this needs to happen. Having the plan really makes me feel more in control and like I don't have to do this (life) if I don't want to, which I'm turn makes me happier

 

[FakeNews]

From my perspective, I would describe myself as someone who overthinks simple
Plus, all of the passive aggressive bullshit that I've had to endure ("Oh, QoL can't close so-and-so section down quick enough? Joe over there did it in an hour and he's only been here 3 months). I don't give a fuck if those cunts were able to close it faster. Did they check their work afterwards? Did they rotate everything, preventing headaches for the next shift crew? My parents aren't any better.

Thank you for caring. I've worked with people who don't give a fuck - and au contraire, you actually do. I've also worked with people who were perfectionists and over think things. There is a balance, we all know that. But I always found it easier to balance when people were doing things for the right reasons. When we understand why we are doing things, we can have an honest discussion. Too many people look for the shortcut, the silver bullet, the easy way to just get by. I'd much prefer friends who give a fuck and can see the longer game. Thank you.

 

[blackbile]

Thank you for caring. I've worked with people who don't give a fuck - and au contraire, you actually do. I've also worked with people who were perfectionists and over think things. There is a balance, we all know that. But I always found it easier to balance when people were doing things for the right reasons. When we understand why we are doing things, we can have an honest discussion. Too many people look for the shortcut, the silver bullet, the easy way to just get by. I'd much prefer friends who give a fuck and can see the longer game. Thank you.

Second this, QoL. People just just wanna make it easy and assume you're a slacker and a dimwit, like they weren't just the same at one point. Im also an over thinker, and I understand how frustrating and angering it is when people see you stumbling, and don't realize that the chastising ONLY MAKES IT WORSE. If I'm making mistakes, you can bet I'm gonna make mistakes 5x harder when people actively give me a hard time for it.

It's all fucked. But I don't think you should see this quality as a flaw. People just don't understand.

 

[Sonnenblume]

I resent some people a bit who are against the right to die. But no one fucked me up, just bad luck of the draw, and my own inability to tolerate such a low quality of life (which I'm glad of. I like my high standards).

 

[FakeNews]

I agree. I hold strong beliefs that we should all be in control of our own destiny.

However we want to hold ourselves is fine by me. I think the more flexible we are, the greater chance we will have of being successful. Fundamentalists tend to break in the wind rather than bend.

But, to each their own.

 

[Sonnenblume]

Depends on how you define successful. My definition is getting out of here relatively peacefully. Things most people define as success I don't give a crap about (though I think it's perfectly fine for them).

 

[FakeNews]

Sonnenblume, we agree.

Some of how I define success — the ability to communicate effectively with others, to have meaningful relationships, to be happy with myself.

All of the above are "easier" (for me) if I'm less rigid in my thinking/ actions.

 

[FullFat]

I'm conflicted about my dad. He's a large part of the reason I am the way I am, but then that's mostly genetic, not the way he's treated me. He's fucked up, so it's not all that surprising he produced a fucked up daughter. He never should have gotten married or had kids. My brother is alright, but considering what my dad already must have known about himself when he knocked up my mom, kids should have been out of the question.

There are some other adults from my childhood I genuinely hate, but I've forgiven the kids I hated, and I know I would have been fucked up either way. It's not in my nature to be happy; it doesn't matter who or what is around.

 

[Sonnenblume]

I guess I am a little annoyed if I'm honest. I hurt my legs because of an ex friend's reckless assholery. That triggered my nerve condition to overall worsen. I had been thinking seriously about suicide since then and would not have thought about it if that hadn't happened, I was doing better at the time. So, in a sense, yeah I have him to thank for this mess. It's probably for the best something drove me over the edge though. I should send him a thank you note lol jk.