Sorry

[SanctionedSkittles]

Hello.
I feel like a coward. I see posts of people who would do anything to get their hands on N. I work in a vet clinic and have easy access. I even work alone some days, and spend hours just staring at the bottle. But I don't have the courage to go through with it. Many here seems so sure of going through with it, but I am so indecisive, even though I have the means to. Sometimes I think I'm just faking being suicidal to myself because I'm too ashamed to admit to myself that I'm actually just untalented and insecure. I feel like the only way to prove to myself is to CTB. But even that, It seems I am not yet able to.
Anyways, sorry for the rant. I needed to tell someone.

 

[Oblivion Access]

There is no shame in hesitating or being afraid. It is easy to speak of what one would do, and much harder to act on it when a means of escape is staring you in the face, day in and day out. Try to find some of this compassion for yourself, if you can. I hope things get easier for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

For many people suicide can be very difficult even if they have the most peaceful methods. Even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. I think if I had N I would at least be comforted by the fact that I have a way out of this life when the time is right. I'm sorry you are suffering. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[motel rooms]

Sometimes I think I'm just faking being suicidal to myself because I'm too ashamed to admit to myself that I'm actually just untalented and insecure. I feel like the only way to prove to myself is to CTB.

You should probably figure out how you actually feel & why you feel that way.

 

[Al Cappella]

No need to be sorry. It might be that suicidality can also be affected by the imposter syndrome, or are instinctively minimizing your experience. For what it's worth, I don't feel I'm "real" about it either, that I'm not in nearly as much pain as others. Oh well, it's not a contest.

But. DO NOT steal N from your work. Ever. If you change your mind, or survive, you do not want any part of having stolen a controlled substance from where you work.

Try to give yourself a break. You're certainly not a coward, not even close. To keep one foot going in front of the other, given how you're feeling—that takes courage and strength most don't have. I'm glad you shared, honestly.

 

[Ashu]

Hello.
I feel like a coward. I see posts of people who would do anything to get their hands on N. I work in a vet clinic and have easy access. I even work alone some days, and spend hours just staring at the bottle. But I don't have the courage to go through with it. Many here seems so sure of going through with it, but I am so indecisive, even though I have the means to. Sometimes I think I'm just faking being suicidal to myself because I'm too ashamed to admit to myself that I'm actually just untalented and insecure. I feel like the only way to prove to myself is to CTB. But even that, It seems I am not yet able to.
Anyways, sorry for the rant. I needed to tell someone.

If you can't do it yet, it's not yet meant to be. You'll do it when and if you have to. People are as different in suicide as they are in everything. There's no good or bad about it, we all do what we have to. Go easy on yourself, your life has been hard enough without your torturing yourself over ending it too.

 

[SanctionedSkittles]

This is very clearly scam chat, pm this user at your own risk imho.

Oh. I don't know what made you think that, but it wasn't my intention? Idk how spamming this would benefit anyone.

 

[SanctionedSkittles]

No need to be sorry. It might be that suicidality can also be affected by the imposter syndrome, or are instinctively minimizing your experience. For what it's worth, I don't feel I'm "real" about it either, that I'm not in nearly as much pain as others. Oh well, it's not a contest.

But. DO NOT steal N from your work. Ever. If you change your mind, or survive, you do not want any part of having stolen a controlled substance from where you work.

Try to give yourself a break. You're certainly not a coward, not even close. To keep one foot going in front of the other, given how you're feeling—that takes courage and strength most don't have. I'm glad you shared, honestly.

Yeah, I was also worried how if I did take N, it would negatively affect the clinic. Everyone at work is nice to me, and I don't want the clinic to be in trouble legally. But at the same time I keep thinking, as long as I get the dose right and make it succeed in one go, it won't matter once I'm gone right? Like yeah, it's a selfish thought, but just sometimes it feels worth it.
Thank you for your reply. You were right on the nose with how I'm feeling. It just feels like I'm stuck in the middle. Like I don't feel like I'm serious enough to be on this site, but I don't belong in the other support chats because all they talk about is how it'll get better etc. and feels like they are reading off a script.

I know it wasn't your "intention" for people to recognise your debut post as a slimy sales pitch but unfortunately for you l can spot it a mile off.

Do not PM this user asking to purchase their "easily accessed" N, it's bullshit.

Well. I agree, don't PM me asking to purchase N. Because I will not sell it... I'm already having enough trouble with the ethical implications of possibly using it on myself.

I know it wasn't your "intention" for people to recognise your debut post as a slimy sales pitch but unfortunately for you l can spot it a mile off.

Do not PM this user asking to purchase their "easily accessed" N, it's bullshit.

Also, I know your intentions are good and you're just looking out for the other users. But it's really discouraging if you just state something without being sure of it. Like I'm literally talking about something I can't bring myself to say elsewhere. This was the only place I could think of venting about something like this. Putting out a caution post is reasonable, but straight up just assuming like this isn't cool.

 

[FuneralCry]

Also, I know your intentions are good and you're just looking out for the other users. But it's really discouraging if you just state something without being sure of it. Like I'm literally talking about something I can't bring myself to say elsewhere. This was the only place I could think of venting about something like this. Putting out a caution post is reasonable, but straight up just assuming like this isn't cool.

Just ignore them. Some people can be so insensitive. Not all of us are like that.

 

[Justsogone]

There's no need to be sorry!
Maybe you have to mull it over a bit!
Hugs

 

[Huntfish34]

I agree,. Just ignore people like that. They are so Fucking stupid it's almost embarrassing.

You will know when the time is right and I wish you the best in whatever may happen. I've had guns around and with me for most of my life and Still can't follow through with ending it. So please don't say you are a coward or be sorry. Everyone is Different in their own way.

 

[Chinaski]

I agree,. Just ignore people like that. They are so Fucking stupid it's almost embarrassing.

Well it appears the moderation team have very efficiently "cleaned up" the thread so l guess we'll just have to wait and see who is fucking stupid to the point of embarrassment and, frankly, I'm absolutely certain it isn't going to be me.

 

[SanctionedSkittles]

You will know when the time is right and I wish you the best in whatever may happen. I've had guns around and with me for most of my life and Still can't follow through with ending it. So please don't say you are a coward or be sorry. Everyone is Different in their own way.

That actually makes a lot of sense. I didn't realize what I said might be inadvertently calling others cowards as well. It's just I feel like I don't really have a reason to feel this way. Everybody seems to have trauma/reason/circumstances that they are actually suffering from. And I don't have that, I feel like I'm not strong enough to live in this world (like just living makes me anxious)? and It almost feels like by not CTBing I am being disrespectful/mocking others that are really in pain. What I said probably doesn't make sense, but it's hard to explain.

Well it appears the moderation team have very efficiently "cleaned up" the thread so l guess we'll just have to wait and see who is fucking stupid to the point of embarrassment and, frankly, I'm absolutely certain it isn't going to be me.

Look, if we can't talk about stuff like this here, where else can we? I don't understand your logic. Working at a vet clinic does not mean we have unlimited access to N. Like there are regulations. Just let me have this one place to talk to people about this. Please.

 

[Huntfish34]

I actually feel like that a Lot myself,. Not really in a bad place like some people are with trauma, illness, etc... But with my anxiety, depression, self hatred, resentments.. I feel I have No choice other than to blow my brains out.

What you said makes perfect sense,. And I hope and pray things go well in whatever the future holds.

 

[SanctionedSkittles]

I actually feel like that a Lot myself,. Not really in a bad place like some people are with trauma, illness, etc... But with my anxiety, depression, self hatred, resentments.. I feel I have No choice other than to blow my brains out.

What you said makes perfect sense,. And I hope and pray things go well in whatever the future holds.

It's less lonely since I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. Thank you Huntfish34, I hope things go well for you as well.

 

[Looooser]

Never feel sorry about how you feel! I hope expressing yourself on SS has even given you some comfort about it. Seems like a lot of great people here to vent to! It's weird that knowing you have the means to do it can actually prevent you from it. I've attempted to ctb so many times, now I have a gun and know I can at anytime but not sure why I haven't. But now things have started to look up in my life and I don't even look at it anymore.

 

[NSA]

Sometimes I think I'm just faking being suicidal to myself because I'm too ashamed to admit to myself that I'm actually just untalented and insecure. I feel like the only way to prove to myself is to CTB. But even that, It seems I am not yet able to.

I feel like this a lot too. I've had multiple plans over the years, always backed out in the end. Probably a good thing too since I most likely would have failed spectacularly.

I'll tell you the same thing I tell myself: there's no rush. You literally have the rest of your life to decide.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'd second what psnoody said earlier about not stealing it from your workplace. It's one thing to buy it, another to steal. And I don't think you're a coward for thinking twice and not wanting to steal it or hurt your workplace, if anything that speaks to your character in hard times. We're all different in what we can or cannot do, how we can do things, etc. etc. and that's completely fine. I'd agree with @psnoody again, it's not a contest and you don't need to compare yourself to others. It's okay to be indecisive as well, there are so many factors at play and it's fine to think things through, especially when you're unsure. And fine to consult others for their input as well. Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, I have heard a couple of vets in the news use N to end their lives. I completely understand why having access to these end of life drugs would be tempting for many who are struggling a lot in life.

Inquest hears how Northwich vet overdosed on medicine used in vet practice

A VET from Northwich who ‘put on a happy face to the world’ was found dead at home after taking his own life, an inquest has heard.

www.northwichguardian.co.uk

Heartbroken vet used drugs from her own surgery to kill herself

A HEARTBROKEN vet took equipment and drugs used for putting animals to sleep to take her own life after breaking up with her boyfriend, an inquest…

www.theargus.co.uk

 

[katagiri83]

Can resonate with your dilemma, CTB can be anyone's ultimate decision which requires consideration with many different facets, there's no shame to deliberate your own thinking & emotions. You may want some external perspective to make your own rational decision, but that doesn't mean you need to seek validation or permission from anyone (in most cases).

 

[SanctionedSkittles]

Never feel sorry about how you feel! I hope expressing yourself on SS has even given you some comfort about it. Seems like a lot of great people here to vent to! It's weird that knowing you have the means to do it can actually prevent you from it. I've attempted to ctb so many times, now I have a gun and know I can at anytime but not sure why I haven't. But now things have started to look up in my life and I don't even look at it anymore.

Hey, glad to hear you're doing better. This community is definitely helpful. A lot of other forums shy away from this discussion since it can be triggering for others. I'm glad there's at least here where people can be open about these things.

 

[Ashu]

You should probably figure out how you actually feel & why you feel that way.

Wisdom.

 

[SanctionedSkittles]

I'd second what psnoody said earlier about not stealing it from your workplace. It's one thing to buy it, another to steal.

Thank you. You guys are right. I just have these selfish thoughts pop up from time to time, but I want to inconvenience others as little as possible. I think I was blinded by the easy accessibility and convenience for a time there. I'll go through the proper channels if I decide to CTB.

You may want some external perspective to make your own rational decision, but that doesn't mean you need to seek validation or permission from anyone (in most cases).

Yes, the decision to CTB shouldn't be swayed by external validation. But I'd be lying if I said I don't imagine how others would react to me CTB. I know it shouldn't matter, and that this is a really bad way of thinking, but sometimes I think about how me CTB would prove to those that thought I was faking it. Which is funny because probably noone thinks I'm faking it, but myself. So in a way, I feel like I have to, to prove to myself? It's very illogical, but I can't stop thinking like this...

Yeah, I have heard a couple of vets in the news use N to end their lives. I completely understand why having access to these end of life drugs would be tempting for many who are struggling a lot in life.

Yeah, I heard vets have a higher suicide rate than other professions. I always thought it was because of stress and emotional toll? But now I'm thinking it's more because of the easy access to N. Vets experience firsthand that N works with their own eyes. Every time you put down an animal, and see them peacefully pass away like they are falling asleep, it's easy to imagine yourself in that position.

 

[Looooser]

Hey, glad to hear you're doing better. This community is definitely helpful. A lot of other forums shy away from this discussion since it can be triggering for others. I'm glad there's at least here where people can be open about these

Hey, glad to hear you're doing better. This community is definitely helpful. A lot of other forums shy away from this discussion since it can be triggering for others. I'm glad there's at least here where people can be open about these things.

Thank you. I love this site because of just that. A lot of honest open communication with hardly any judgment. I only say hardly because I haven't been on there that long andb even though I haven't seen anyone be judgemental but I'm sure it happens.