Help Sorry, so lame...

[cloud99]

Hello,

I hope you are all well. I'm sorry to trouble you with this; I too am considering ctb but would like to ask for advise if anyone has had similar experiences and managed to at least delay the need or desire to ctb. So if you have time, please read on and I'll try to keep it brief.

I do like being alive and being part of the universe, mostly. It's fucking amazing. But, it's a fucking nightmare too. The suffering, the pain, the uncertainty of it all. I do love myself and I love others too. But most people I know, I would rather not know. It's not that I hate these people I just cant relate to them and its pretty much everyone I fucking know. I feel like this for a lot of reasons. I just don't want to relate to these people.

I quit my job again. The things I have to go through on a daily basis just to barely fit in and survive, I can't pretend to give a shit any more. For a couple of years now I have been calling in sick pretty regularly just because I couldn't face the onslaught of people I would have to interact with. I've kind of just been withdrawing myself from everyone as I get older.

I went to the doctor and tried to explain this. I have no history of mental health issues. Maybe I'm autistic. I have to fill out a form and go back in three weeks.

The thing is, time is running out. I've got bills to pay, fines to pay, rent to pay. I have nothing or no one to help me.

My fear is that everything I own (not a lot) will be taken from me, my landlord will kick me out and I'll be homeless and humiliated. So I think about ctb before this happens.

I've thought about ctb-ing before, had all the ingredients but chickened out. I just can't keep on living this way. I would rather fucking kill myself. I have nothing and nowhere to turn.

Does anyone have experience like this? I cant help but feel like its only going to get worse, so I might just ctb the fuck out of here? Single white male, 40yo, from uk.

Thanks for taking the time, sorry if I bored any of you. Love you all.

 

[derpyderpins]

No need to apologize so much. This is a forum for talking about how you feel as it relates to CTB. I enjoyed reading your post.

I haven't had the exact same experience, but I - and I think a lot of people here - can relate to the pressure of having to work a full time job to survive. Life is kinda hell in that way.

But, you're right that there is beauty and goodness in life as well. (At least I think so. Plenty of people here disagree.)

I think it's great that you are seeing the doctor and trying things. To delay the CTB for now I would focus on the fact that the doctor should at least be able to provide you some clarity on what the issue is, even if he can't fix it. I'd also focus on those things that make the world good in your opinion. I know money and survival is stressful, but it's temporary. Even being homeless would be temporary. Think about those good things, and how you might as well survive to keep experiencing them.

 

[Sulyya]

37m Canada, I've been on the edge of what you describe as last year I quit my job, then got a similar one a few months later. It did run up my finances so if you can try to find a more manageable job I'd try that soon.

Not sure our reasons for quitting were the same as I was so depressed I could barely keep up and felt guilty when they could hire someone else. I'm also awaiting an autism diagnosis after having that proposed by my doctor.

if you can find a lower-responsibility job role, that may be best for now.

 

[cloud99]

No need to apologize so much. This is a forum for talking about how you feel as it relates to CTB. I enjoyed reading your post.

I haven't had the exact same experience, but I - and I think a lot of people here - can relate to the pressure of having to work a full time job to survive. Life is kinda hell in that way.

But, you're right that there is beauty and goodness in life as well. (At least I think so. Plenty of people here disagree.)

I think it's great that you are seeing the doctor and trying things. To delay the CTB for now I would focus on the fact that the doctor should at least be able to provide you some clarity on what the issue is, even if he can't fix it. I'd also focus on those things that make the world good in your opinion. I know money and survival is stressful, but it's temporary. Even being homeless would be temporary. Think about those good things, and how you might as well survive to keep experiencing them.

Thank you

37m Canada, I've been on the edge of what you describe as last year I quit my job, then got a similar one a few months later. It did run up my finances so if you can try to find a more manageable job I'd try that soon.

Not sure our reasons for quitting were the same as I was so depressed I could barely keep up and felt guilty when they could hire someone else. I'm also awaiting an autism diagnosis after having that proposed by my doctor.

if you can find a lower-responsibility job role, that may be best for now.

Thanks buddy. I'm actually happy to work and enjoy it to some extent. But the environments I work in do not like it when you enjoy the little things in life. I just wish i'd accepted this about myself sooner in life instead of trying to live up to everyones expectations. I'm happy if society wants to stick a label on me if it means i can just get the fuck on with my day without having to pretend i give a shit about any of it. Sorry, i'm ranting. Good luck with your struggles friend.