Sorry just want to vent

[starryeyedgemini]

Hi all,

Apologies in advance for this but i feel I'm getting ready to CTB.

Things have been difficult for a while. The pandemic and lockdowns to their toll on my mental health. I was with my sons dad and we were engaged and due to get married. There were problems in the relationship so we tried to make it work. I have endometriosis which can make intimacy painful so his suggestion was an open relationship! Fml. Anyway I got made redundant from my civil service job and my fiancee decides to leave me in the shit with no job and no way of supporting myself saying he didn't care if I lost my house even if it meant his son lost the only stable home he's ever known. He can ve difficult to deal with. He gets arsy when I ask him for financial help with our son even though he earns a lot more than I do and just makes things very difficult.


I met another guy through a temp job and kept in touch after I left. He helped support me during the break up with my ex and we pursued a relationship once I'd given myself time to heal. It was a great relationship. I met his daughter and he met my son. We even talked about living together and getting married. Unfortunately there was a breach of trust on both sides and the relationship ended very quickly. I won't bore you all with the details. But I am heartbroken and devastated. I have tried to pick up with pieces and move on but he haunts my every waking moment. I miss him so much I tried to fight for the relationship but he didn't.

Maybe I'm not worthy of love as every man who has said they love me and wanted to marry me end up leaving me anyway.

Putting all that aside I'm struggling financially too. The cost of living crisis in the UK is scaring the shit out of me and when I'm worried if I carry on living how do I keep myself and my son going? At least when I go my house can be sold and the equity can go to my son which will help give him a head start as an adult. Any savings I have can be put towards a funeral etc along with the sale of any furniture etc.

Thanks for reading

 

[Huntfish34]

No need for any apologies,. Thank you much for sharing this with us. I don't really have anything constructive to say, but that all sounds very rough and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it. You deserve better.

I've never been married and don't have any kids,. but broken / failed relationships are a part of why I want to CTB.

Thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds very tiring and stressful what you are going through. This life is just so unfair. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do.

 

[alliebear]

No need for any apologies,. Thank you much for sharing this with us. I don't really have anything constructive to say, but that all sounds very rough and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it. You deserve better.

I've never been married and don't have any kids,. but broken / failed relationships are a part of why I want to CTB.

Thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen.

Agree.. financial crisis, trauma and relationships is a major part most of us decided to ctb. We all deserve better :(

 

[london3]

Hi all,

Apologies in advance for this but i feel I'm getting ready to CTB.

Things have been difficult for a while. The pandemic and lockdowns to their toll on my mental health. I was with my sons dad and we were engaged and due to get married. There were problems in the relationship so we tried to make it work. I have endometriosis which can make intimacy painful so his suggestion was an open relationship! Fml. Anyway I got made redundant from my civil service job and my fiancee decides to leave me in the shit with no job and no way of supporting myself saying he didn't care if I lost my house even if it meant his son lost the only stable home he's ever known. He can ve difficult to deal with. He gets arsy when I ask him for financial help with our son even though he earns a lot more than I do and just makes things very difficult.


I met another guy through a temp job and kept in touch after I left. He helped support me during the break up with my ex and we pursued a relationship once I'd given myself time to heal. It was a great relationship. I met his daughter and he met my son. We even talked about living together and getting married. Unfortunately there was a breach of trust on both sides and the relationship ended very quickly. I won't bore you all with the details. But I am heartbroken and devastated. I have tried to pick up with pieces and move on but he haunts my every waking moment. I miss him so much I tried to fight for the relationship but he didn't.

Maybe I'm not worthy of love as every man who has said they love me and wanted to marry me end up leaving me anyway.

Putting all that aside I'm struggling financially too. The cost of living crisis in the UK is scaring the shit out of me and when I'm worried if I carry on living how do I keep myself and my son going? At least when I go my house can be sold and the equity can go to my son which will help give him a head start as an adult. Any savings I have can be put towards a funeral etc along with the sale of any furniture etc.

Thanks for reading

I am sorry to hear about this stressful situation, life can be distressing but i hope you find peace soon. Many people find it very therapeutic to air out their thoughts and writing is a huge stress reliever for people.

These negative life events will be stressful for anyone, bad relationships, illness and poverty. I hope you have people in your life that can support you and give you guidance.

There are many great people on this forum that will support you when the outside world can never understand the true heartache of everyday life and your decision to ctb.

 

[starryeyedgemini]

I'm too scared about talking to my family. They think suicide is selfish. If they knew how I really felt I'd worry they would try and take my son away from me and I would rather be 6 foot under than watch that happen. I've tried claiming benefits from the goverment but I'm entitled to very little due to my income. I've considered asking my family for financial help but I don't want to be a burden on them. I would rather just go without them knowing that way I'm in control not them

 

[hopelessdreams]

im so sorry to hear what you're going through. i can't imagine what it's like being a single mom trying to provide for her son in this world of today full of inflammation and poverty. i'm also very sorry for your son.. i grew up in the same situation as he is in now (single mom, dad who doesn't pay shit, mom having issues) and am very grateful my mom stuck around to provide for us. if she was gone that time, i would've hated myself for not helping and being dumped at a family that doesn't care about me because i have nowhere else to go. i'm not saying this to gaslight you into staying, but just to give you some insight into how your son might feel.

whatever you decide to do, we're here for you.

 

[starryeyedgemini]

im so sorry to hear what you're going through. i can't imagine what it's like being a single mom trying to provide for her son in this world of today full of inflammation and poverty. i'm also very sorry for your son.. i grew up in the same situation as he is in now (single mom, dad who doesn't pay shit, mom having issues) and am very grateful my mom stuck around to provide for us. if she was gone that time, i would've hated myself for not helping and being dumped at a family that doesn't care about me because i have nowhere else to go. i'm not saying this to gaslight you into staying, but just to give you some insight into how your son might feel.

whatever you decide to do, we're here for you.

My sons dad does have regular access to my son. We decided that when we separated it was in his best interest to have equal contact with both parents. However my ex just refuses to help me knowing how much I struggle even though he knows ultimately its his son that misses out.

I have tried looking at getting another job but I'm struggling to find something that works around our custody arrangement. Considered doing only fans but wouldn't know where to start on that. Even looked into going back to college in the evenings to pursue accountancy but none of the college within my local district arent doing evening courses. Can't go during the day because of the drop in pay.

It sucks that I'm trying my best to change my situation but everything feels like it's going against me

 

[hopelessdreams]

My sons dad does have regular access to my son. We decided that when we separated it was in his best interest to have equal contact with both parents. However my ex just refuses to help me knowing how much I struggle even though he knows ultimately its his son that misses out.

I have tried looking at getting another job but I'm struggling to find something that works around our custody arrangement. Considered doing only fans but wouldn't know where to start on that. Even looked into going back to college in the evenings to pursue accountancy but none of the college within my local district arent doing evening courses. Can't go during the day because of the drop in pay.

It sucks that I'm trying my best to change my situation but everything feels like it's going against me

im really sorry to hear nothing is going for you, but glad to hear you are actively looking for solutions to your situation. it shows what a kind person you are to yourself and your son. have you tried looking at online college? that way you don't even have to travel for evening classes, it may be easier that way for you.

also, maybe there are some local people who could help you? often there are groups in a church (don't know if you're comfortable with that) or on facebook that offer to help people out in need.

 

[starryeyedgemini]

im really sorry to hear nothing is going for you, but glad to hear you are actively looking for solutions to your situation. it shows what a kind person you are to yourself and your son. have you tried looking at online college? that way you don't even have to travel for evening classes, it may be easier that way for you.

also, maybe there are some local people who could help you? often there are groups in a church (don't know if you're comfortable with that) or on facebook that offer to help people out in need.

I did consider online college but I know that is something I would struggle with. I worked from home during most of the pandemic and found it mentally challenging. Going to college is more for the social aspect and from what I understood speaking to the college I can't do the course completely online. It's more for students who attend in person and to catch up if they miss a session etc. It sucks. Just don't see things getting any easier.

 

[hopelessdreams]

I did consider online college but I know that is something I would struggle with. I worked from home during most of the pandemic and found it mentally challenging. Going to college is more for the social aspect and from what I understood speaking to the college I can't do the course completely online. It's more for students who attend in person and to catch up if they miss a session etc. It sucks. Just don't see things getting any easier.

damn, that really sucks.. could you maybe get legally involved with your fathers son because he doesn't pay for his son? he could get in trouble for that and you could get your fair share after all

 

[london3]

@starryeyedgemini

Have you thought moving to a cheaper house or a area with more colleges or employers etc? Maybe a fresh start in a new area will do you good. You will meet more people and have more options.

In terms of jobs you could try and commute or even change jobs to a new area. Really not sure about onlyfans etc as it does seem like most people do not make a lot of money and not forgetting your videos will be online forever. How do you feel your son finding out about this in the future? or even your family etc judging you for these videos etc?

There are also many charities that can help with debt and finances etc, maybe try and give them a go and they can give you advice.

Your ex should be paying his fare share of child support and many charities can help you pursue this and get your legal rights.

I would try and get as much help from outside as you can and hope they can reduce stress and worry in your life.

 

[starryeyedgemini]

I have to be careful if I move as that would mean potentially uprooting my son from his school and I have to ensure i don't move too far away so that it affects my ex seeing him.

With my ex we have equal custody 1 week on 1 week off as it were. Because its shared equally by law my ex doesn't have to pay Me maintenance. However I have tried coming to a private arrangement with him but I never get anywhere with it. He knows I earn less than him and I never wanted to be a single mother. I've already cut back on going out being careful with what I buy. I'm not in any debt as such I'm just trying to live within my means as much as possible

 

[london3]

Yeah sounds like a difficult situation, hopefully with time and patience your life would improve

 

[starryeyedgemini]

I'm not holding up much hope. Interest rates in the UK are due to rise a few more times before the end of the year. Inflation is going to be near 11% and wages aren't progressing with it

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I feel angry and disagree with babydad's opinion that an open relationship was the solution, that is just exchanging physical pain for emotional pain and turmoil and I feel like his motivations were very selfish and manipulative. I would've considered restructuring intimacy events so that you could continue to be intimate and satisfied without pain. Some people are just lazy and unimaginative lovers. Re: 2nd relationship I'm very sorry that that happened, it's a valid reason on it's own to be devastated. I can relate to losing someone you loved many times, even if not doing anything wrong or it being outside your real control.

Family can be awful when they're supposed to be supportive. That's relatable. Suicide isn't selfish.